For every blow that fell upon my innocent flesh I shrunk away from you
For every pain you caused my heart I hid away in my secret place Went deep inside a world of fantasy and dreams Where I no longer had to see the anger that distorted your broken face
You were my dad you were supposed to love me protect me but instead you murdered my soul sent me into a place of darkness with your evil words and vicious blows
I was a just little girl and you were supposed to be my dad but instead you were the monster of my darkest dreams the fear of my heart the terror of my bones the worst nightmare I'd ever had
You lashed at me with your wicked cane tore my flesh to shreds made me cry until I couldn't breathe then sent me off to bed
You hated every part of me tried to break my will I was just a little girl dad and you know I loved you still
You were a broken man a victim of your own painful life of the actions of a woman who abandoned you to the night left you as a street kid in London fighting to survive
I know why you were hurting dad but it still doesn't make it right
Your solace came out of a bottle drunkenness your only friend But rage was your demon and it destroyed us in the end
I was just a little girl dad who loved you with all I had though you sent me into a world of pain because in your eyes I was bad
You hit my mum and made her cry broke her spirit until she died
I saw her fade before my eyes until her existence was no more than a lie
I tired you know to stand up to you to take your rage upon myself To save her from your heartless blows to shield her from your belt from the furniture that flew at her from across the room from the fatal despair that in the end
lead to her doom
I lured you away from her And you gave chase unto my soul Until you found me hiding in the darkest corner where only the spiders go
I screamed in terror as you came upon me in that place I was just a little girl and you were filled with hate
Yet I loved you still you were my dad and I was just a little girl
once again being punished for being bad
and for putting you through hell
Do you remember dad how I cared for you when you were wandering through the streets A little girl of eight alone with a drunken beast
I tried to save you dad just as I tried to rescue mum But at the end of the day I was just too bloody young
You were supposed to parent me not the other way around protect me and rescue me from the fears that had me bound
But instead you fed me to the fire allowed the world to steal my soul left me open to evil men until I payed the ultimate toll
So this is where I stand today with memories that haunt my mind Knowing that no matter what you did to me through all those years behind it was nothing like the pain I felt on the day you died
You see a daughter's love is hard to break it can endure a million tears brought on by the dad she loved but had to learn to fear A daughter's love is strong
you see so I wanted to let you know that I love you dad and I forgive you for every single blow
"You lashed at me
with your wicked cane
tore my flesh to shreds
made me cry until I couldn't breathe
then sent me off to bed" Can't believe you made such an emotional stanza rhyme so well. Good job!
"Your solace came out of a bottle
drunkenness your only friend
But rage was your demon
and it destroyed us in the end " once again, wow.. this should be a poster on the wall of every AA group to remind them of the horrors of their past.
This is emotional and so sad and I don't even know what to say, but i'm sorry you had to go through all that. Nothing I say will make it okay and in my head temporary fixes, fix nothing. So i'm going to say this that you've been through hell and back and you've come out an angel where so many people would have given up you've fought, conquered the demons and now you're the light for others to stray away from the dark. Thank you for being you. I love the ending, forgiveness is the first step to moving on. "hugs"
Posted 11 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thank you so much Kee you are a sweet guy with a beautiful heart. Your words mean more to me than yo.. read moreThank you so much Kee you are a sweet guy with a beautiful heart. Your words mean more to me than you could ever know.
I was so touched by the pure emotion radiating from this piece!!!
You're so brave to put writing like this out there, to put a piece of your heart here for us to read.. And let me tell you it is beautiful!
The thought that you could love someone so much... Even when they hurt you... If only we were all that strong! Thank you so much for posting... this really opened my eyes (i hope thats not weird haha)
"...that i love you dad
and I forgive you
for every single blow"
Beautiful :')
This will haunt me for some time .I am sorry to read this. I do not have anything to offer that will ease the pain for this.But a good man is also a good father.
Bearing for her lifes burdens
He sooths the children of their tears
is the rock all others break upon
Leaves fond memory of his years.
Thank you, Oh if only that were the truth. Is this a poem of yours? Send me a request if it is, I'd .. read moreThank you, Oh if only that were the truth. Is this a poem of yours? Send me a request if it is, I'd like to read it.
Well that forgiveness is that of a saint, forgiveness like that I've never seen and frankly he doesn't deserve it. Still i guess that's the point here. Love is not logical after all. Another note, there's so much sadness here and yet some sense of numbness which i think validates this piece. Great job.
There is so much pain and anguish. I feel for this child - her protector failed to rise up over his own demons to be a father. Forgiveness is important - very important for the abused to heal and try to move on. This is full of so much. I think it is so very deep, a normal review would not give the emotions flowing from and within the poem justice.
The old world of booze and hard life led people to bad places. My dad was the same way. A violence man with a lot of anger. Later in my life I learn to understand him. I like the story and the desire to forgive. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote
Wow, breathless and speechless at the same time. You know I can relate to this, and I've often wondered how I will feel with his demise. I do not come from a place of forgiveness as you do, maybe that will be my downfall, but some things just can't be forgiven and I love with hatred in my heart. This was a tough read, but somethings need to be said and you did it very well. It touched a place deep inside of me.
'and I forgive you
for every single blow'
Chilling. This read will linger. I'm glad you found it in your heart to share this, thanks Carolann, I know it couldn't have been easy.
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thank you so much Frieda, yes I know how you would understand and believe me forgiveness was not an .. read moreThank you so much Frieda, yes I know how you would understand and believe me forgiveness was not an easy road to come to, but I've developed a compassion in my heart for what he went through and though it doesn't make what he did to me and my mum and siblings ok it has changed my heart somewhat towards him. He has been dead a long time now, just another lost soul full of rage who was brought into a world without love. Sometimes I wish I could have been his mum then I could have taught him how to love and he wouldn't have suffered as he did and we, in turn, would not have endured such a horrific childhood.
11 Years Ago
Ah, no excuse for cruelty though, I'm glad you were able to find it in your heart to forgive, I'm su.. read moreAh, no excuse for cruelty though, I'm glad you were able to find it in your heart to forgive, I'm sure it has helped you to heal and get past those horrendous memory.
11 Years Ago
Yes so true there is never an excuse for cruelty and yes it has helped me to heal, though the scars .. read moreYes so true there is never an excuse for cruelty and yes it has helped me to heal, though the scars are still there.
11 Years Ago
On the survivor site that I'm on, that's what people tell me all the time, forgiveness is the key to.. read moreOn the survivor site that I'm on, that's what people tell me all the time, forgiveness is the key to healing but I'm not sure how you get there if it's not in your heart, you just don't say 'I forgive you' and it happens.
11 Years Ago
Yes that is exactly right it is a process that happens over time as you heal. Does it help being on .. read moreYes that is exactly right it is a process that happens over time as you heal. Does it help being on a survivor site? I've often thought about joining one but never really thought it would help that much.
11 Years Ago
It depends, when I first joined I got a lot out of it, knowing I wasn't the only one dealing with th.. read moreIt depends, when I first joined I got a lot out of it, knowing I wasn't the only one dealing with that issue, you don't feel so alone in your despair, but you can get bogged down if you let it. There are so many horrendous stories out there, it's overwhelming at times. Met a bunch of people I keep in touch with, so that's always nice.
Well that's a good thing but yeah I can understand how it could bog you down. I think writing about .. read moreWell that's a good thing but yeah I can understand how it could bog you down. I think writing about it helps a lot its very healing. I just wrote that poem today it was hard but it was cleansing too. Though I have also written a book about my life as well and that was very healing though I haven't read it for years. Unfortunately the abuse continued for me long after I got away from my dad so I have a lot of stories to tell. If it wasn't for the writing I don't know what I would do.
11 Years Ago
I hear you, it's very cathartic for me as well. Without purging all this crap, I'd for sure be in a.. read moreI hear you, it's very cathartic for me as well. Without purging all this crap, I'd for sure be in an asylum. :-)
This is such a powerful poem. I was especially struck by these words:
You were my dad
you were supposed to love me
protect me
but instead you murdered
my soul
sent me into a place
of darkness
with your evil words
and vicious blows
The damage wrought is deep and eternal and yet there is forgiveness. Forgiveness sets your soul free. I am honestly in awe of your words.
I am Vulnerable
Broken
Strong and Fearless
I am all things to all people
Yet I belong to none
I am Elusive
Unknown
A whisper of things to come
I am a Warrior
In an endless war
Victori.. more..