2.2.13

When other people cry at romantic Moments, they're thinking of someone. Even if they don't cry, they're still thinking of someone. I don't know who I'm crying for because I love everyone a bit too much. Just like I write my stories and letters to "you" without ever knowing who it is I'm missing. Who it is I'm thinking of. The truth is I'm a little in love with everybody so I pretend I don't believe in love at all. But that's a lie. Maybe the universe or stars or planets doesn't align, and maybe I'm too naive to realize it until it's over, and maybe, and maybe, and maybe. I have more excuses than reasons. You're my religion. You're my air, and my sun, and the reason I wake up. I heard someone say once that love is both summer and winter, that it's having someone to keep you from wanting to burn up or freeze. It's someone to keep breathing for. And at the end of the day when I still don't know who you are, I'll be alright. I'll keep breathing at least for the sake of figuring out who I miss in the dark when my fingers reach out and don't touch skin or when there's just darkdarkdark behind my eyelids, not a face. When it feels like a piece of you is missing but you can't tell which piece it is. And god, I'm so sick of sleeping alone. God, I'm so sick of living alone. It's hard to feel like you're drowning when you can't remember what breathing feels like. I got what I wanted, though, didn't I? I spent my whole life wishing everyone would just leave me alone, and when they finally did, I wondered why they left. I'm the king of last regrets. I'm the best worst case scenario. I found a page in my Notebook from months ago where I wrote this whole big long run on sentence of 'missing you' and 'I'm not okay' and all these other phrases. I remember the pen pressed so tightly to my hand I thought it'd break. I'm not sure whether I thought the pen or my hand. Then I saw You, you who keeps me okay, and I added another sentence 'you keep me okay'. I'm a clockwork kid you forgot to wind up. I'm the last pages in the notebook you never fill up. The smallest name in the end credits. I don't even want to be okay. They say if you tell a lie often enough even you can start believing it. I always thought 'believe' was a funny word when I was a kid, because if you believe enough lies you stop believing the truth. Maybe the truth is I don't want to be okay. Maybe that's why I don't want chemicals changing my brain. Maybe that's why I lie. Some scientist once said that humans are the only animals capable of lying. That's why we're the most evolved. We lied our way to the top, and it'll just be a matter of time until we lie our way back down. Dishonesty will be own downfall. The definition of a tragic hero according to the Greeks is someone who must watch all those around them suffer because of their own actions. They're the only character that doesn't die in a tragic play. Creon watches Haemon kill himself over Antigone; Eurydice kill herself over Haemon. All because he didn't bury a body. Even the Greeks knew he should've just listened to the chorus and buried his past. Then again, they only mourned behind his back. You believe in someone, you stand up til the end. Any other way makes you a coward.