1.24.13

"Park that car, drop that phone, Sleep on the floor, dream about me"

Sometimes I think I'm not real. I've been reading too much and listening to music too much and I'm drowning in the 'too much'. I say, the truth is and the truth is and the truth is, but that's never what comes out. You are the truth and I am the lie. "There's not one native tongue left among us." Because the truth is that I have no truth left. Every piece of me is picked apart because lies are fuel to the fire and you are always the fire. I say always because it holds as much romance as self-destruction in its purest form. You are my destruction.

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5:37 PM

Sometimes I get bad and I'm sitting here reading old journal entries like they'll take me back. Like I want to go back. But I don't want to go back, or forward, or anywhere, because time doesn't want me, no matter where or when I am. So I read your words like they were mine and twist them into my brain with everything else not quite mine because I am made up of you and everyone else, but never me. Blue light on my face in the dark makes my skin look translucent, almost like a corpse. Joke's on you, it's too late for death. The clock says five but it might as well be midnight with the way I'm always tired. Remember the days when my feet were anchors and hope to a god I've never believed in I stay afloat. You've got god the way I've got music, the way I've got words, the way I've got art. My god is more fucked than I am, and that's the kind of religion I can believe in. 

They don't say I'm bad, but I say they're lying. I've never been hopeful, I'm more your hopeless case. I say you, you, you, but I'm not sure even I know who I mean. Because they don't say I'm worthless, they don't say I'm lost, but them thinking it is a bet I'll take. 

My translucent skin is cold like a corpse too. See, the rings around my eyes have stuck with me for so long, you'd think they were natural, but f**k if the rest of this is. I wish you'd stick with me the way the nightmares do.

And I say, this is the truth, this is the truth, this is the truth, and maybe this is it. I'm not much better than a bad metaphor for life, but I've got enough heart for the team. Or maybe it's not heart, but these days you can pass almost anything off for a bit of soul.

I taught myself to smirk because most people don't deserve the full smile, and yet some of them still manage to force it out of me. Funny thing is they have a better guess at how that can be than I do.