The Homicidal Avocado

This was a story from way back when. I don't have the original writing for it though, so it does differ from the first time I told it.

Once upon a time, there was a poor old man who lived on a farm on the outskirts of a major town. I refuse to name any of them because they do not pertain to this story. This stereotypical poor farmer was a nice and old man who lived with his loving wife and two children. Again, nobody gives a f**k about them so I'm not naming them. This family lived on a rocky spec of earth that would only support so much plant life. This family therefore didn't always have much to eat. What they didn't have in material possessions, they made up for with the bonds they shared with eachother and the avocados. Yes, the plants were pretty much a part of the family too. That old farmer poured his blood, sweat and tears into the avocados they grew and he loved them very much.
One day, some guy with way too much money decided to make a theme park where that family lived. Considering how driving poor people off their only land would make him look bad, he just had them all killed. In the dead of night, some thugs armed with an assortment of clubs, knives, and other painful things descended upon the house. The thugs descended upon the door, kicked it down, and in a matter of minutes, had everyone tied down. They decided the children screaming would just be annoying so they just split their skulls in half with some axe that they brought. They all then took turns raping the wife while the old man watched. They then decided to rape her again, but this time while strangling her. She was finally dead when the last guy finished. The farmer, after getting kicked around a few times, was dragged out to where his plants were. While he was getting kicked in the balls, he got to watch as his plants were pissed on, burnt, and chopped down while they were burning. They then split the man's stomach open with a garden hoe and let him die staring at his intestines.
Unfortunately for everyone responsible (and a few others), that farmer was sitting on an avocado the whole time, protecting it the same way a nesting bird protects its young. He kept it unsquished, despite having his own genitalia completely mushed. The thugs who did this horrid deed decided that, while burning the place down and having a few drinks, they would conveniently leave a machete embedded into the farmer's face. That avocado, moved by the farmer's sheer horror and sorrow, became self aware; being only aware of the sadness, hatred, and misery of the farmer. Like some sickening VeggieTales spin off, it slowly pulled the machete out of the farmer's face. Unfortunately, the machete got stuck and so the avocado had to settle with tearing the farmer's head off.
One of the thugs wasn't drunk enough. He heard the gushing of blood and guts and of course got suspicious. He was a little confused to see the headless farmer, but he decided that it must've been one of his drunk friends who was responsible. He then noticed an avocado, he then noticed intense pain, and then was dead. The avocado had grabbed the machete (with farmer head attached) and proceeded to drive the skull into the man's kneecaps and then into the man's face. Bones shattered on that last strike and the man dropped. Throughout the rest of the night, and until morning, each of these thugs would notice an avocado lying around. They would either try to step on it, they would ignore it, or they would try to eat it. All of them died.
The next day, construction and cleanup crews came in. Everything was bulldozed and a basic framework was laid out. That night, the head of on site security was sitting at his dinner table. He then noticed an avocado that was sitting there. He decided that it would make for a great snack, so he reached for it. Unfortunately, that avocado was really good at hiding blood soaked blades and promptly split the man's arm in half. He was barely able to acknowledge that his arm was split in half before it was just plain hacked off. The man screamed in pain, but then quickly passed out when the machete was thrown into his genitalia. With hazy vision, all he got to see was an avocado proceed to grab some smaller knives and then head out the door. He then bled to death while hearing people scream while their hands were pinned to various objects (such as walls, their face, and things like that) with knives. The smart ones ran away, and the dumber ones could be divided into lucky and unlucky. The lucky ones died immediately as knives were stabbed into their throats. The unlucky ones sat stuck in place for hours on end with knives keeping them pinned down and in excruciating agony. The most unlucky ones were the ones that lived to see daylight. As the avocado left the site with machete in tow, these guys got to watch as maggots and crows started feasting on their open wounds. The homicidal avocado managed to get in the city by riding in on a wagon full of fruit. The wagon's owner was later found decapitated behind a building.
Now that it was in the city, the homicidal avocado could cause some real horror for the one responsible for what happened. It decided to start its reign of horror by grabbing someone, hacking their head off, and using the fountaining blood to draw murals on the walls of various buildings. Sometimes the avocado would decorate the walls even more with fragments of bone, eyeball juice, and random internal organs. His masterpiece was tearing out a person's intestines with surgical precision and decorating a wall that way. The best part was that when people found the man, he was still alive and staring at his unwound intestines and how they were strung all over the place in an artistic manner.
Needless to say, people will hear of this. Furthermore, the villain who started all of this figured that everything was all something he started (the killings started where his work started). After tripling his security with bears, moats, more guards, and vietcong style mantraps, he felt safe and decided to get a bite to eat from his basket of fruit. He just had to grab an avocado. The fruit sat completely still and didn't do anything weird. The man was about to take a huge bite out of it when it hopped into his mouth and into his throat. He started by trying to cough up the fruit, but to no avail. As his air ran out and he started to panic, he frantically started clawing at his own throat. After tearing his throat open with his bare hands (clip your nails bro), the avocado proceeded down into the man's innards with a few needles in hand. Upon reaching the stomach, the avocado proceeded to stick needles all over the place. Despite being slowly digested by the intense stomach acids, it managed to poke several holes through the stomach. As blood and HCl leaked inside the man's body, causing unbelievable pain, the avocado did its last deed before finally breaking down inside the body. It spontaneously combusted and set the man's spinal fluid and other innards on fire. The last thing the man saw (and was somehow completely coherent for) was seeing (and feeling) his innards on fire, despite how that was defying physics. The end?

Author's Note

Don't even think about complaining about how dark and messed up this story is. Honestly, I don't think something titled "The Homicidal Avocado" would be about sunshine and lolipops. Unless the sunshine was being used to empower a godzilla avocado and the lolipops had nails in them.

Reviews

[Detective Watts]

Whats so great about this is that we can all RELATE to it.

[CaptainWak]

This story is also apparently now available on www.ramenstudios.com. Don't worry, Luckycows isn't stealing my work. I don't think posting a link to this story on another website is stealing. Especially when you consider that I am Luckycows.