Suzie

A pantoum.

 

Suzie shivers in her cold asylum.

spider paranoia crawling white walls.

fear clamps soul, and resolve is expiring
eternity howls. pain echoes the halls.


spider paranoia crawling white walls.

flickering visions plague faltering mind.

eternity howls. pain echoes the halls.

shadow scowls prowling and plotting behind.


flickering visions plague faltering mind.

spirit burns hotter than exploding suns.

shadow scowls prowling and plotting behind.

every sound pounds like a war driven gun.


every sound pounds like a war driven gun.

two hundred years and she still can’t find rest.

spirit burns brighter than exploding suns.

pounding a barrier she just can’t best.


two hundred years and she still can’t find rest.

fear clamps the soul, and resolve is expiring.

pounding a barrier she just can’t best.

Suzie shivers in her cold asylum.

Reviews

[brainelation]

i also enjoyed the way you utilized the lines from previous stanzas, it gives feeling to the "flickering visions and faltering mind," line, seemingly implying that this story is being told from inside of a similar mind. it conjures up memories of similarly structured kids rhymes, and in the perversion of that, becomes even darker. i can't help but imagine a dark hallway with one lightbulb flicking on and off, walking past doors that have been bolted shut and were hiding rooms with padded walls, and denizens with too much medication. i like it a lot.

[Fidheallir]

I like the bookend of having the first and last stanza be the same, and the repetitive lines give a sense of hopelessness to the whole poem. As I don't usually write poetry, I don't have any great constructive criticism, but it's certainly an effective piece.

[An owl on the moon]

Such a brilliant depth, and dark edge to an amazing write! You created a world and made me believe...

[Xanthar]

Good spooky poem. God! the thought of being trapped in an asylum forever and trapped in a mental illness forever is sick! Good job.
X

[Kevin Vorshak]

Interesting how you alternate the lines from stanza to stanza. I like how you did this and I really enjoyed the darkness of it. Thanks for sharing.