waking on the shore

a begining, I haven't worked on it in a while. I originally posted here a question if it was worth trying to continue I believe the response was yes, but it has been buried behind all my other projects

I Fear sleep, things can happen to you while your asleep and you would never know. My big concern is dying, I am epilipetic and it hits me when i sleep. My uncle died in his sleep, several seizures in a row caused his heart to stop. Though I would never have thought to have this happen to me in my sleep.

Last night before passing out around 3 A.M. I took my meds as usual, stripped down to my boxers and crawled in under the comforter. Then I got up to let the puppy out, then waited about 10 minutes for him to finish playing and peeing, let him back in. Sat down on the computer, goofed off checked my messages. Finally deciding it was too late, and went back to my room and crawled under the comforter again. I laid there turning and tossing and at some point I must have fallen asleep. Because I just woke up.

Shivering and completely soaking wet. My first barely concious thought was I peed the bed. But that couldn't be the case my bed was no longer under me, and sticking so very wet to me were my clothes. Which is a mystery to me how I got into them. Even freakier is the fact that I am wearing exactly what I wore to my Grandpa's funeral. Tie , dress shoes, and all.

Before me stands a vast ocean or lake at this point I am not sure. One this is sure its glowing aways out there. A very eirie light almost neon green, which is pulsating.
 

© 2007 Captain Savage

 

Reviews

[FreeSoulLoveDance]

I liked it. But it seemed it was all jumbled up. If you put more imagery in it then it wouldn't be so confusing. Do you know what I mean? It's def. a mystery, which i like alot.

[Sara Amanda Marie]

Go on... Grrr! Don't write a hook like that and keep me hanging!

[Sykotix]

Hmn... A mystery! I like it when stories like this make me... think. I especially love to read stories that make me confused, because confused is how I will always be, so that part doesn't ever really matter... I think. Yes, thinking is good. (;

[JR]

Yeah, I'd push on with this one. There's enough of a hook to draw the reader in, especially since the clothes worn are those that had been previously worn to a funeral. That's tight... especially if there's a tie-in later in the writing. The light, green and pulsating, also is interesting enough to want to read more. You could make almost anything work here to move the story from this point on... it's wide open. Have you ever read "The Great Gatsby?" There's an interesting connection here between the light your character sees and the light seen across the bay from Gatsby's pad.

I know this is rough, but I will add as an editing note to really watch those run-on sentances. You could use semi-colons to break them up, and I think that would be effective. Also, there's a few places that commas should be, to form natural breaks. But that's all technical bullshit.

Push on, Captain, push on. I like where this could go...

[Ediblewhisper]

Make him fall asleep in the ocean. And drown. I t would be a nice suprise. I do like the idea.

[H. A. M.]

Hard to say. I was pretty cool with what was happening up until he woke up. Sleep walking? ,,Or is he really still dreaming? Wrong meds maybe? Sounds like the begining to a supernatural story here. Misspellings I'm over looking cause it's your rough draft. Change the grandpa to the uncle maybe. He has to live close by the water just because I can't see him driving in his sleep or walking to far. Good start.

[E.L.C.]

This is a great start! Though i think it needs more description. What meds did you take? how did the blankets feel against ur skin? What kind of dog do you have? What was the night air like? If there was anything my writing teacher taught me last year was description. It makes a piece really come alive. Describe it as if you were living it, put yourself in the character, what are they seeing, smelling, hearing, touching, tasting? Not saying you have to use all of them at once, but it would really make this piece come alive, and give more depth to your character. Some times their inner thoughts and how they view the world can tell you so much more than how the converse or look. Great start, you can do a lot with it!

I know it's a rough draft but i will point out a few minor spelling errors, to make it easier for you to edit! and grammer too =P i hate that s**t, so this will make it easier for you to fix s**t up.

"goofed off checked my messages" ~should be a comma between off and checked
"Tinally " instead of Finally
"turning and tossing and a t some" comma after tossing, and "at" there is an extra space between the a and t
"Because I just woke up" sentence frag, and a little award, try combining it into the sentence before, it will sound better.
"Shivering and completely soaking wet. My first barely concious thought was I peed the bed." first sentence is a s.frag you can put a comma after wet, and the next part sounds a little awkward. maybe try saying "I awoke, shiver and completely soaking wet. My first barely conscious thought was that I had peed the bed."

"wearing exactly what I wore to my Grandpa's funeral. Tie , dress shoes, and all. " Second sentence is a fragment. you can sue a colon to combine the two sentences.

"Before me stands a vast ocean or lake at this point I am not sure." stands isn't really the right word to use, and there should be a comma after lake. Maybe try "Before spans a vast ocean or lake, at this point I am not sure."

"One this is sure its glowing aways out there. A very eirie light almost neon green, which is pulsating." this is a bit awkward and unclear, "One thing is sure, it's glowing aways out, a pulsating, neon green glow." just reads a little more smoothly.

Well, now that i have finished being anal on grammar and spelling! Good piece here! I am very curious about where it is heading! =)

[Angelheaded Hipster]

Please continue with this story. Before doing so, however, I think it needs to be a little more flushed out. I know it's just a rough draft, a very rough draft, but it's intriguing just the same.

and it hits me when i sleep (when I sleep)

boxers and crawled in under the comorter. (comforter)

Tinally deciding it was too late, and went back to my room and crawled under the comforter again.( Finally deciding it was getting late, I went back to my room....)

But that couldn't be the case my bed was no longer under me, and sticking so very wet to me were my clothes. ( But that couldn't be the case. My bed was no longer under me, and sticking so wet to my skin were my clothes)

One this is sure its glowing aways out there. A very eirie light almost neon green, which is pulsating. (One thing that is real, is a very errie pulsating, almost neon green light)

Those are just my suggestions...you don't have to listen to me.
But hey....Like I said, it's a good start.