vengeance via shotgun

I wrote this at work, one day I came in for a meeting. We are giving "sand dollars" which we can use to buy things, I was going to buy something to help kill some time. When I went to get them, someone had stolen them. This pissed me off pre

playing
deadly
games
stealing
from
me

Honestly
you
have
offended
me

I
know
not
who
you
are,
if
I
did
you'd
be
dead

You
stumbled
it
seems,
pawned
it
all
off
thought
you
were
safe

Shotgun
blast
to
the
face

© 2007 Captain Savage
 

Reviews

[Jimbo Tee!]

This is really good dude. I like the ending. Powerful. This one is more subtle than the shot gun blast to the face.

Man, that last stanza works on my brain folds a little.

That polite society line is great too.

This is the battle of animal urges and civilized actions. We all face it.

Great write.

[Nick Erickson]

Outstanding. Excellent description of having to keep urges in check for society. Great read.

[Bandi Brock]

Wow, this is great. So strong.

[H. A. M.]

"urges
at
war
trying
to
fight
for
control
determined
soliders
of
conciousness
fighting
to
keep
them
in
check " This is a conflict that we all have. Very well stated and put out there. I like the fact that the character struggles with himself. Good write Captain.

[Ashly Christen]

outside
my
mind
a
moment
I
stand
paralyzed
inside
it
passes
by
an
eternity!!!!


i love this, the structure, staggered emotions, thoughts, rage, i feel so much of this right now,
the war inside, the battle, so much....raging inside my mind
♥

[Tyler W. R. Hunt]

I like this write It�s still making me think and I like it that way very good.

[Adaora]

Wow I really enjoyed it. My favorite part was, " my urges are in the right, but polite
society will not let them be..." It really....resonated with me because I can think of how that relates to an experience I might have had, and so could another person with a totally different way of life/thinking. Everyone can relate to it. It was fabulous.

[Joe A]

i like this. and i've been there. my only suggestion is i think you might want to consider running the stanzas togehter to get more of a 'train of thought' thing. just a suggestion.

[Molly Katherine]

really like how u oprganized it on the page... the abruptness of single word lines really goes with the meaning of the peice as a whole.... mnice touch

[Merancapeman]

Interesting indeed. Although the format was a little strange for me (it made my eyes feel funny, HA!), I have to say that the subject matter is definitely something I can relate to. Often. Like, every five minutes. Good thing SOMEONE recognizes it!

[Rosa Sophia]

Cool! I like how you only have one word on each line. But...
"paralysised" -- did you mean "paralyzed"?

Rosy