off course

written on 7-2-08 while sitting at IHop A mixture of my piretry and my lifes direction. A sudden realization that I'm wasting my life, for no damn good reason. So I have decided to live it up, so to say. Finally start doing the s**t I keep putting off

Somewhere I misplaced my life, dropped my goals in a box
I'd always planned on coming back for them
They were lost in transit, misplaced, mislabled, long forgotten

Somewhere I lost my course,sailing without proper navigation
A rudderless ship adrift in the vast nothingness of a useless existence
I set sail for treasure long ago,wanting it but lacking the map

Realizing my folly, I now try to get back on course,
I hope it's not too late

Reviews

[JR]

Perfect piece from a pirate captain, yaaaaarrrrrr. I like this piece because it catches me up, too, and puts me in a similar feeling of floating without direction, "A rudderless ship adrift in the vast nothingness of a useless existence." That's a perfect description, when you realize that life isn't structured or patterned, but instead runs according to the mind of the one who experiences it.

As usual, I would suggest a trim, taking out anything you don't need. Nothing major, just a few words here or there. Look at:

"They were lost in transit, misplaced, mislabled and long forgotten �"

And drop the "and:"

"They were lost in transit, misplaced, mislabled, long forgotten �"

That way, it's more inclusive without changing the overall meaning of the line. I would also do a fairly large reconstruct with:

"I set sail for treasure long ago,wanting it but lacking the map to find it �"

The "it" repeated in the second part of the line is too much. You need to get that down into a more comfortable line, something the eye can digest. Maybe:

"I set sail for treasure long ago, wanting it but lacking the map �"

We know what a map is used for, so I think you can drop all of the "to find it," which makes the line a lot stronger, harder hitting. I would also do something with the final line. I like the message, a realization and a forthcoming attempt to exercise some control over the muted wanderings of the mind:
"Realizing my folly I now try to gt back on course, I only hope it's not too late"
Again, it's a little bulky and awkward, especially on the second half of the line. How about breaking this, dropping the unnecessary words:

"Realizing my folly, I now try to get back on course,
Hope it's not too late"
I don't want to f**k with your piece too much, because the feel and taste of it is particular to the Captain, and no one else. But I can't seem to resist putting my hands on this just a little. Ironic, isn't it? Trying to force direction on a poem about lack of direction. Heh. Hope some of that helps. Good read, Savage. Good read, indeed.

[E.L.C.]

I've missed reading your poetry captain. The imagery in the second stanza is excellent. I almost want this poem to start with that strong imagery and then transition into the philosophical topics of the first and last stanzas. Just a thought on composition, do with it as you like :)

[TwiztidJewl]

wow that's great. very nice job

[Tai Chi Italy]

It is never too late to set a new course my friend, you are forever young as a writer imo. Great init? Smiling at you, nearly 50 years young Tai