ahh to hear the cannon's roar

something started a while ago, I've tried to rework it many times. I seem to have lost my notes on this piece however. For now lets call it a work in progress, but only half assed at best.

AHH TO HEAR THE CANNON'S ROAR
standing on the deck shouting my command
fire again!, watching as the cannon balls soar
prepare to board, no quarter given, thats not too much to demand

feel that sea breeze splash you in the face
the feel of that imminent kill
the pride of catching your prey after a long chase
Damnit I just love to steal

Being Captain is what I like
command is my calling
Try to mutiny, I'll have your head on a spike
damn i love to be sailing

quite a life, to be a pirate
no other life could bring me so much pride
we're always hiring , provided you be no rat
come along some time you'll enjoy the ride

 

© 2007 Captain Savage

 

Reviews

[Nick Erickson]

This... this is even better. I can feel this piece of work, feel it in my bones as I sit in silence on the tug I write this from. Another life...

Being Captain is what I like
command is my calling
Try to mutiny, I'll have your head on a spike
damn i love to be sailing

in this life however, I'll have settle for being captain of this tug.

[Sara Amanda Marie]

In the second stanza I really loved the first three lines. They give you a very visceral feeling.

[JR]

Oh, dude, this is some of the best piretry I've read in a long time. Actually, it's the only piretry I've read in a long time, given that you are the only one who writes it (that I know of). Bad a*s little voyage here... I can smell the spent power right from the opening line, capitalized for impact. Very nice.

Your syllable structure is a little hit-or-miss, but I think that actually lends to the drunken pirate rampage feel of the poem. Almost as though this should be chanting while slugging down some rum cooked up in a cocanut shell.

"Damnit I just love to steal," heh, that's a great line. A true pirate here, one who does it for the sheer joy. Enjoyed reading this as much as you probably enjoyed writing it.

[Captain Blondie]

DUDE!!!! THIS IS AWSOME! hahaha

[Emily B]

Captain, ten minutes or one thousand, you should always go back and edit when it's not so fresh in your mind. Read it aloud. Listen to the words and the sound they make. I find that's the best way for me to edit. I'll jump down off my shoulda been an English teacher soap box now.

I enjoyed the ride.

[E.L.C.]

Alright, i just spend like 20 mins reviewing your poem, and it f*****g deleted it when i tried to post it GRRRRRR so here it is... again... re-written.

AHH TO HEAR THE CANNON'S ROAR---- try: Arrrrr to hear those cannons roar!
standing on the deck shouting my command----- Bellowing my commands, to the scruvies swabbing the deck
fire again!, watching as the cannon balls soar----- Fire! My foes, nothing but cannon fodder
prepare to board, no quarter given, thats not too much to demand----- i don't like this line, it doesn't really work with the rest of the stanza. I would either leave the stanza with the bit on cannon balls, or add a more suiting line. Be careful when writing poems when it comes to the relation of subject matter in each stanza, it all needs to tie together, or else it doesn't flow as well.

feel that sea breeze splash you in the face---- Salty sea air, slapping ye in the face
the feel of that imminent kill--- agian out of place, you go from talking about sea breeze to killing? doesn't really fit. I would maybe write about how cruel a mistress the sea can be.

the pride of catching your prey after a long chase--- new stanza, make this one about pillaging and theiving. Maybe try something along the lines of this

"We sail the seas
Pirate's pride, his wealth in riches
I'll cut ye down, and bathe in yer gold--- ok very rough idea, but you get what i am trying to say right?

Damnit I just love to steal---- i think you could also benefit from making this more into a song-like poem. And maybe use a variation of this as a line in the chorus.

Being Captain is what I like---- try: Captain is what I be
command is my calling---- this line is meh, i would try something along the lines of: My command is law, break it and face the fury of the sea
Try to mutiny, I'll have your head on a spike--- again i think you need to re-word and play with the structure maybe try: If mutiny be ye words, on a pike ye head will spin
Eyeballs hanging, tongue twice removed

damn i love to be sailing--- this would be a another good part to incorperate into a chorus, just reword it a little

quite a vocation, to be a pirate ----- now this was the part i had a lot of issues with. Pirates lived rough, cut-throat lives, which is what you have just finished saying with the rest of the poem. And then to go and say it is a vacation is just not working. You have already talked about pride, so i would move onto rum and wenches =P Maybe add a little somehitn about sailing the seas with good old Captain morgan looool (damn i love that rum!)
no other job could bring me as much pride
we're always hiring , provided you be no rat
come along some time you'll enjoy the ride

ok time to work on that chorus, make it short and sweet. Now you have two good lines for it:

Damnit I just love to steal
Damnit I just love to be sailing

Now this is why i suggested rewording, because they are very similar, but they embody a pirate so well. So here are some suggestions for part of a chorus:

A Pirate I be
I'll rob ye blind
I'll plunder yer riches
I'll chop ye in two
And rape yer b*****s


There could be a possibel chorus number one, now for chorus option number two

A Pirate I be
I sail the seven seas
A cruel mistress be she
A ship of tarnished sails
Slipping away
With cannon's wails

Option number two

And then you can mix all the elements up, and tie all the stanzas together, which will be option number three

I sails the seven seas
A cruel mistress be she
A Pirate I be
I'll rob ye blind
I'll chop ye in two
And rape yer b*****s!

I like this one best, it embodies all that pirates are- kniving plunderers of the seas


So to make this all more clear i'll set up a possible game plan for this pome for you:

1st stanza - content: cannons and ships battling

Chorus (maybe a shortened version, if you want to use something like the 3rd chorus example i gave you

2nd stanza- about the seas

Chorus- full and long version

3rd Stanza- about theiving and treasures

Short Chorus

4th stanza- about being captain, and the power structure among the pirates

And then you can close it all with a snappy alteration of the chorus, or something with a comedic twist...


Ok i am finally finished, and that by the way was longer than the other review that i wrote. I but if i was going to write one, then i was going to do it right! So that is all just my personal opinion, i was more just trying to help you brain storm ideas, and show you some possible options. Use what you please, but i think you could have some fantastic piratry here, just needs somemore development is all. Was not trying to be harsh, just being honest about what i thought and where things needed work. Take it as you will =)

I am off to bed now,

Good night Am