Ramblings of Christmas Eve

It's coming to me now that I only have so much to live for. I have my friends. I feel like I don't need any more than that. I have three best friends who I can count on the most. They know who they are. I love them, and I can trust them with my life. My family…well…that's another story. With them, it's always me being compared to my cousin. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my family. I love my mother and I feel like she's the only person who hasn't judged me or compared me. She likes me for me because I'm her daughter and right now, we have each other and that's all we need right now. Since it's the holiday season, I feel like I should be grateful to having my friends and my mother, because without them, I honestly don't know where I would be right now. I can't wait to leave next year…so I can be away from it all…girls, drama…EVERYTHING. I feel like I need time to myself…to think over a lot of things. College is coming soon, and I hope everything goes well with that. It's a little scary, but I think I can manage. Being on my own for once will be nice…exciting. I'll be able to start over and be myself and not have to worry about stupid b*****s here ruining everything for me. I'm tired of it. If there's one thing I hate about this town, it's the girls. All of them. They're all the same…stupid, annoying, s****y b*****s. Go f**k yourselves. I don't give a s**t about you. Sometimes I can be an a*****e…well… most of the time. I'm nice to some people though…the one's that I care about…which isn't really a lot of people now that I think about it. I can find flaws in everyone and psychoanalyze them until they think I'm the crazy one. Whatever. I sometimes find myself becoming my own characters that I create…maybe it's because most of my characters are based off of me in some sick way. I don't know. You know…I used to want to be a nurse…so I could help people. Then I wanted to be a therapist because people say I give really good advice…and I'm still toying with that idea. I've always wanted to be a writer…because I'm good at it. And I like history. I get excited when I learn about it, and I could take endless notes on it. I've gotten A's in almost every history class I've taken. And then for about a week I wanted to join the air force, but decided against it. I guess what would be really nice is to be a published writer already. And for a long time, I wrote amazing pieces of work, because I had such good inspiration for about seven months. And I feel like I'm currently writing the best autobiography ever produced. Now that I think about what I said before about me being an a*****e sometimes…make that I good deal of the time. I'm not a nice person…I wouldn't want to know me…but I'm fun to be with. Haha. I make fun of people a lot. It's a thing that's just…entertaining to me. I love, love. It's the most beautiful thing two souls can ever create. I fell in love. But it can sometimes lead you to the thought of wanting to erase your mind…to be able to forget everything because it hurts so bad sometimes…just like in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I love rambling on about nonsense like this. It makes me feel like I have a purpose…or something like that. I'm at my grandmother's house right now. I'm typing at the computer I typed at for seven months last year…into this year. This used to be my room. I can almost see my bed again…memories. Good and bad. There's something nostalgic about it in a way. I can remember exactly how I was a year ago…the people I talked to…the classes I took…my mindset. And then I remember how it changed so much once spring came along. I got happier. Mostly because I love warm weather…and I introduced new people into my life…and left some. I remember the nights being spent here. I kind of miss it in a way, although I hated it then. I hardly had any privacy and I was being compared to other people every day because I wasn't…good enough. And I think that's when it all began. Distancing myself from people. I hardly open up to people now…it feels so hard because I've put up so many walls. I need to knock them down again and be how I used to be. I miss not having a care in the world. I miss not worrying. I miss a lot…but we can't win them all, can we? There's so much from my past that I've blocked because I just hate it. I can't stand to look back at. Mostly ages twelve to fourteen. I don't see much when I look back at it. Only swirls of color…dark colors. It's not a fun age period though. It's Christmas Eve…and my uncle's birthday…I've yet to call him and wish him happy birthday. I think my dad's mad at me for some reason. I can never do anything right, can I? Here we go again. I think I'm too emotional nowadays. I cry more than I used to…I don't know why. Ever since my parent's divorce I've been like that. It's something I feel like I can't control anymore. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. What a ramble I have going on here. I love writing…and I love writing about absolutely nothing. It's comforting knowing that I don't have to follow any form of technical English writing styles…and I don't have to use correct punctuation if I don't want to…and I could make up words just because I can. I can capitalize things that don't Need To Be Capitalized…and I can laugh at the English teacher who would try to read this, and change things, and make things fit, and take things out, and try to make paragraphs out of something that shouldn't be in any sort of form. As a writer, I've learned that the best writing comes out when you abandon everything you've learned in English class. It's been a while that I've been up here, and I have yet been asked to come back down and join the group of people I find very annoying. There's this once child who I can see sucking dick in a few years…she gave me a headache so I decided to come up here. She's annoying and her mom's weird. I can see her in a mental institute someday. Her sister's here. She's nice. I like her…and her boyfriend's here…he's…strange. I could go for a nice back massage right now…with hot stones and everything. What a nice Christmas present that would be. I don't know how to end this…or if I even should. Everything I'm writing is just coming out…I'm not even thinking about it. I love it when that happens. It feels very…spontaneous. But sometimes you blank out…like just now. Aha. I found my cousins on facebook today…let me tell you that I feel very bad…I can't believe they're my cousins…ugh. It's funny though…other people's stupidity. I sort of…thrive off of it. I love making fun of people. I make fun of little kids…people I know…older people…it doesn't f*****g matter to me, because I have freedom of speech and I'm going to use it how I please. I realized that I haven't been reading as much as I used to. I need to get back into that habit. I love reading. I believe it makes me a better writer. I think this is where I'm ending this. Happy Holidays.