Bob Barkers

The first thing they need to know is you’re a liar too.  Sounds odd, but invariably a nurse at booking will ask, “have you had any thoughts of harming yourself or others?”  Straight forward enough, ‘are you about to wig out?’ is what they mean, but that’s not what they ask.  Violence is our foreign policy, it’s our favorite sports, and implied or applied violence snatched you off the street, handcuffed and hauled you to jail where a health care professional is charged with ascertaining if you’ll admit it’s crossed your mind.

                Norm McDonald had some fun with the 7.3 second men are rumored to make it between thoughts of sex.  2^nd on that list must be violence.  ‘Would I f****r her, could I take him’ being the quintessential male mammal conundrum, but if you’re honest about it, as many guards as are necessary appear and apply sufficient force to toss you in a butt naked camera cell where several days later that same nurse happens by.  God bless you if you can maintain your integrity from there, the frigid floors and fecal remnants of prior occupants always punctuates the futility of berating a bureaucrat with phrasing and I lie and once you lie they can put the Bob Barkers on you.

                Tristich 65% polyester wash warm El Salvadorian Bob Barker Prison Pajamas, and yes I do mean the very same Bob Barker who’s been castrating cats while contestants corn hole each other for an opportunity to put the right price on those ‘wonderful products’.  The exact Bob Barker who finances the dispatch of well meaning hippies to Antarctica in a diesel frigate on the futile pretext of warring with much larger, stronger, faster whaling vessels where they’ve yet to prevent a single ship from reaching its quota.  None other than the Bob Barker who beat up Adam Sandler on film, awful spry in his senescence; I mean that’s one agile septuagenarian.

                Formed foam flip flops from China, shank resistant toothbrushes, you can smear Bob Barker under your arms, don his jackets and boots, rinse and repeat him into your scalp, and the toothbrush holder for a mere 14 cents goes so well with the soap dish boldly proclaiming Bob Barker ® Bob Barker Company, inc for 81 cents more.  Bob Barker soap, made in Mexico exclusively for Bob Barker inc., combines 7 separate sodium compounds for a clean you’ll appeal to feel and resembles crack cocaine so closely in color and texture you can sell it for a quick buck if you ever do get released.

The only question left is who would want this level of name recognition in prison?  And that’s when it hits you.  Lie, Barkers, Bob Barker, be liar, belial, BB, bell boy, bezzle, embezzle,,, Beelzebub.   Uh huh, that’s right, Bob Barker is Satan.

(bär’kər)n. 1. One that makes a barking sound.

 See?  It was right in front of us the whole time.  That’s why they gotta make you lie before they can put the Beelzibarkers on you.  I didn’t wanna believe it either, I love Plinko.  Story goes Bob’s son died in jail because of horrible conditions so he started his prison industries to provide quality consumer goods to inmates, and the story is bullshit.  Not that part about his son, that I don’t know, sounds plausible, but it’s an entirely different Bob Barker who’s been slathering his name all over prisoners and I had you convinced he’s the Devil.  First thing I told you was I’m liar and you’re still wondering if evil incarnate is a philandering philanthropic Hollywood commercial product gameshow host. Come on Pollyanna, mid-level daemon at best, I mean the Gulf War did cover up his sex scandal but who wanted to hear about an old guy with a lengthy chrome microphone and a bunch of prop girls anyway?  Ok, I’m a little curious, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t and it’s a particular innovation lying.  Might be our original invention.  Some argue an opposable thumb set us apart, but I think it was bullshit.  Animals may bluff and posture, but none of them build imaginary systems to be gamed with phonics the way a cheetah games antilope with speed.  Any other apes out there crying wolf?  Then we got the gall to designate ourselves ‘one wise man’.  Might have been one somewhere but the rest of us are gullible lying jackasses and who knows how to say that in latin.  More than a dozen humanoids were here at one time or another and we weren’t the one with the largest brain.  My guess is Ye ol double cross was our go to move.  Any critter that could come up with this judicature must have a thoroughly venerated appreciation for deception.  There aint no not lying you way outta here. 

It would rather let a guilty man go than imprison an innocent one ostensibly but it sure doesn’t have any qualms about detaining a poor man.  Though it will provide that destitute individual with an officer of the court with whom he can confide any previous prevarications and fabricate plausible falsehoods for a jury of his peers.

I know, I know, another filthy criminal lamenting the system that isn’t lopping his hand off, hear me out, I didn’t do it.  No bullshit, really, not what they’re charging me with at least.  I mean, I swear, I didn’t go 40 years of law abiding to end my streak by robbing a bank in broad daylight with my real name, face and ID, but I either confess to a plea bargan or spend another 6 months basking in these damn pajamas on the off chance that 12 texans’ll agree an out of state homeless vet without a record got conned.  So to hell with it, I’m a liar too, can I go home now?