ComedyA Story by Capaneus random jokes and observations from a stand up routine
Thank God, with this sexual harasment s**t in the news, cause im so incompetent with women ill never get sued. Gene pool aint got s**t on me. :p
Love football, but make ya wonder about the first center. Ya know, bend over and ill lay my backhand on your dick while you 'snap'
Seems odd to me
Stand up ( language)
Everyone knows how many General Lee’s they went through in the dukes of hazard but can you imagine how many Rosko’s they’d lost You jump a bridge with a basset hound riding shot gun and miss You're pullin Peeko Train outta Pontiac for days Dog everywhere Luke musta been bangin the humane society lady to keep a lid on that one
So they got kidnapping insurance now Really can you imagine Dirkadirka jihad Death to the infidel dea….oh Oh thank you my friend, please be having a seat by the kibab while I run this Yes yes the tea is very good, praise Allah state
So Isis just blew up a headbangers ball and a gay bar trying to make a republican congress back down...
I’m just glad there’s a membrane that keeps my balls separated. Cause I was trying to twist em up one day and getting all frustrated cause I couldn’t figure it out, litterally I would have tied my own balls into a knot and then i'm like Wow, God does love me
Yeah so I grew up in Alaska Out doorsy campin n such and after that movie grizelly man lots of people asked me if I was ever afraid of being attacked out there and I’m like naw, I can out run a fat chick hey hey, you killed chivalry not the 1000 pound bear 6 inch claws cept this one time I was out with my buddy and we round this creek bend and surprise a huge sow and she rushes us and I bout # my pants cause Tommy got tennis shoes on Yeah So anyway our feet got tangled up and stuff and it was really hard to listen to all those horrible sounds. Just God awful stuff Cause the bear was bluffing and for 3 days he’s all You tripped me Naw bro Yea you did, you tripped me and stepped on me and ran away screaming save ME God still hear those noises Cause he's at every family reunion
What do Buddhist women scream? oh yin oh yang?
Recently did a little time ya know And it was interesting, I recommend it, really do Next time some mother #er #es you off just stomp the # outta him 3 meals, books, TV, all the sex you can stand. But the first week was hard without a cigarette till I woke up with morning wood one day and realized I’d gained like an inch in girth and length just from no nicotine True, # like doubled my size. So I tell my wife this and she’s all excited right Years she’s tellin me size doesn’t matter uh huh, yeah right So she’s gonna pick me up in the parking lot once I’m out and we got this big romantic reunion all set up and stuff and well, they let me out earlier than we’d planned And there was a butt in the ash tray there Yeah So I’m available if any of you ladies wanna take me home I’m huge I swear, gets lots bigger after I put it in Promises They don’t call me minute rice for nothing
What the # is artificial flavoring? How is that legal Itemized list of ingredients including partially hydrated mono sodium glutamate And sulphiric bicarbonic and then Artificial flavoring how is that what they don't want us to know? I mean how big was that campaign donation?
How do they print NYTimes #1 best seller on the cover? Books being printed, aint sold yet, NY Times best seller Great news Ken, Satan called, you got the stamp but it got me thinking though So I tattooed world’s greatest sterile 12 inch on my c**k Yeah, why not I figure, while we're makin # up Well anyway, I’m being sued by my ex girlfriend now. I have to add a disclaimer and who knows where may induce nausea's gonna fit/ let alone “these statements have not been verified by anybody”
Is sporking how homos cuttle Shouldn’t ben gay be for hemeroids So since there’s no law against bestiality in washingtion is it illegal to stop someone from #ing their dog? If you kick in their door to save this poodle from screeching do you go to jail for that? No no sir that's your right, when ya finish could ya come on down to the Highschool gym and help pick our leader?
Been my personal mission to test every cleche I’ve heard There’s so much bull # Some one needs to verify it and I’m your man so.. it's not always the last place you look...but you have to keep looking after you've found it...
Pens are usually better But not in a knife fight You can thank my spleen for that one
Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but not as much as the genitals, turns out
do unto others as you would have them do unto you works best if you're gay
it does seem justice is blind, also deaf
love can conquer all, but it looks more like a machine gun while it's doing it
what didn't kill you may also cripple, maim, defraud, bankrupt, disillusion, and make you try yourself
heaven is the road paved with good intentions
give them an inch and they'll take a mile, but I've found she'll settle for 2 and a half more inches
Money's not the root of all evil, it's the fruit
Tried online dating but now I just hang out at women's prisons. Yeah, got a calender with release dates and mug shots. Upped my average big time Wanna get a Rip!!Bamm It’s on in the parking lot I don’t even have a car
Back in the dating scene now but I can’t figure out why is ‘fun size’ tiny in candy bars and huge in an escort?
Ya ever wonder if the urinal sensor is a camera looking for #es small enough to govern?
Just learned you can boil water in a micro wave Yeah, no # Fireman was kind enough to point that out while he was hosing down the ceiling
I wanna see the president’s piss. I know he was tweekin at the 2/13 state of the union Blinking ever second Him and Bidon Bohmer’s clearly sipping vodka
It’s not the fisherman or the factory worker I’m so concerned about. Ya know, a trucker might # up a family, not all of em
I like ideologies well, I like that it starts with idiot
How many times do you think Jesus came running to the rescue just to find people #in I’ll save you my child, aww oh all Hairy A*s again That’s it, I’m outta here
I'm a porn star... well I mean my phone was stolen
Just saw a commercial for vagisil feminine wipes Yeah The skank market is really outta hand nowwa days I still get embarrassed buying condoms but this #'d make Kim Kardashian blush ya know, Paris Hilton was appalled by this # and we'd all have free power if we strapped a transistor to those hips
I just love it when straight politicians go to gay fundraisers.. ya know, the figurative and the literal cocksuckers coming together it's like a big metaphysical circle jerk
So the doctor who helped us catch bin laden gets 30 years in Pakistani prison Informants, signing up in droves
y'all catch my Jerry springer show? should have know he never does a gardening episode tell ya right now, just start slappin And kill your brother
Maury Povich was great too I was in Episode 3 of who da pappy 47 dna tests and now I'm a winner :] :/ :[ :$#@!
We need to bring fighting words back “the jury would like to know if # was talked?” Case dismissed Miracle diet, jaw wired shut, solve fat a*s and punk # right away Two birds, one punch
I was reading this book by Maria stewart and I started wondering if she was Martha’s wife ya know Ya gotta ask now a days Is that miss, ms, mrs or misseses? How many s’s in that? egh, who cares, they don't put out anyway
some say it's half empty some say half full I say Cheers
Online hecklers Like a literary critic who laments "I've seen all these letters before."
I was riding the bus from social services to the mission one day and I saw these two boys, smaller one had to be 12-13, bigger one 13-14 and they were sitting really close and the big one was pawing the little one who seemed reluctant but passive and I started to get so revolted. and I know, I know, I know the argument better then you, got plenty of gay friends, but none of that could stop my gut from wrenching and this anger building in me. And I started thinking about the collapse of civilization and the desecration of extended families, and how all those backwoods dipshits mighta had a point and I wanted to just get all hate crime then we got to the terminal and I saw the big one was just a really ugly chick boy, what a relief
yeah, so the government is working on memory erasing technology in order to help victims of traumatic events just like they busted into the Waco compound to prevent child molestation. But something tells me were gonna remember finding WMD's here pretty soon.
Sure am glad we got commercials, granddad thought he could carry everything needed. Sucker
And why are serial killers always hacking up attractive young women? I mean what the # bro, we need those. Where's the wall street slasher or the Chester chopper? We got a registry of the #s. You're mad at the world, go out like dexter m**********r and leave the sex engineer to her omnipotently ordained trade. You're #in up the market man, and gene pool. And the grizzly, she was huge, I mean epic. It was like a Volkswagen with teeth and knew it was a sow cause it had great big 'ol bear titis Like dolly pardon style all swingin around. That's how I got the jump on Tommy cause he thought he recognized her (his mom has hairy b***s, don't ask) anyway he got a better look at her, I was "blazin a trail for him". Bad part is he won't let me date his sister anymore but I guess it's for the best really, we are cousins.
Ya know, there's so much bull# nowadays that I can't even watch porn. I mean start where they're smoking crack then ok, there's a plot I'll believe, but otherwise my # ain't buyin it
What is the right way to skin a cat? If you really wanted to get the skin off a cat, which ways fastest, ya know? How do experts do this?? Cause I'm pretty sure I got some general cho's cat in Memphis
Recently lost my job, it was a bad fit though. Apparently the suicide hotline isn't a DIY call center. I kept agreeing and making suggestions. Being supportive like the manual said. Boss got all indignant too ya know and I'm like, isn't 7 billion enough? M**********r called back to complain anyway didn't he? spiteful little #, be better off without him ask me. Well anyway volunteers don't qualify for unemployment, thought I'd pass that along.
Guess I was just upset cause my ex tried to kill herself. B***h can't do anything right
For once I just wish a woman would think of someone else and # me
Everything happens for a reason. As$holes are a reason
How have we cured everything from polio to aids, but gingavitus continues to elude our science? I know why dentists kill themselves. Seems like we should have that by now
Got the free hair cut. WAsnt worth it.
If burictates were trying to annoy you, would they # it up quickly?
No ladies seriously, I got a 12" c**k Ok, Ok, it's 12 proof
where my strong liberated ladies at?... Awesome, now where my dudes wonderin why we still gotta buy the drinks?
100 years of women voters and I ain't gotten whiskey sour one
Come on baby, take advantage. You'll respect me in the morning. Ya know, not yourself maybe.
Just signed up for food stamps today and now they're making you do 23 hours of community service for $175 in baking goods and I'm like wtf? I only got 10 hours for contributing to delinquency
And before any of you tax commiseraters start with your indignation, the comedy is free. No staving artists, no art. So zip it, you got your problems, now you got mine.
Then they make you do a 5 hour class one a month, but they give you 25 bucks for goin. So I'm at the class and as a patriot, I'm really feeling obligated to become a suicide bomber. # it, there's no way this plans gonna work. We're subsidizing the wrong shir
Did this last year too and the food stamps were on a "quest" card. Now they're on a "snap" card. Still ain't good for a cup of coffee
Life's getting pretty strange nowadays, I mean we figured a lotta things out, but we got problems we've never had before like I've got this transgender friend and it's really got me thinking,,, if we do it am I gay? I mean he's still got some great tits.
Back on the street again for a bit, and being rent free's actually pretty cool, but laundry is a real problem cause iz got my dirty socks and my happy socks mixed and now I'm outta a clean socks. Every morning's crusty roulette
So I went up to donate plasma the other day and wouldn't let me cause I'm homeless and I'm like wtf? You shoulda seen my blood when I had money. Jesus, dudes'd come outta surgery with a hangover and the clap.
recently got outta the military and it was funny to listen to their reenlistment shpeals and watch the guys who gave up on life. reenlisting isn't something you do for your family, it's something you do to your family. your daughter's a s**t, your son's sucks # cause he hates you, your wife caught crabs from a park bench and your third child was born 6 months after a 6 month deployment. Alright, sign me up.
Seen snookie lately Damn she lost a lotta weight like some random dude called her fat and it crushed that b***h. Like she won't even swallow cum no more, so ya know her carreer is over.
I was raised to respect ladies, so I'm single, but I can never figure out why they wear makeup, like the guy who wouldn't have sex with you because you don't have it on is the one you're really after? Wear sweats grab a guy, he'll do ya. be all fake tryin to attract whoever then wonder where your baby dadies at
I'd be racist but I just know too many white people
girls really got me all backwards ya know. I mean they're all I want and I really just want one good one, but relationships are so confusing and treacherous and hard to find. Like I learned to dance, write poetry, took massage classes, had a good job, paid for everything, tried to be a gentlemen and it just never seemed to work out till I started manufacturing meth. then boom, I got more groupies than Hitler.
can't ya just see the 9-11 passengers clutching their laptops "what do we do?"
I been lookin all over for a tat not sure what it is but i hear they're good for a tit
so i'z checking out craigslist and found an awesome job. 30 grand for 9 months and all I gotta do is carry a child. # it, they're light What's up Colorado, We won. We demand shrubberies.
It's fun doin pueblo, but I gotta cut all my fat chick jokes here cause there's always one broad starts glaring and ya'll chubby chassers get scared she'll see ya laughin Spend the rest of the set with that crowd full of blank stares we're all after
Offered my friend a bike and she said "Fat people don't ride bikes". Yeah, that's why I bought you one.
Love this wireless mic but ya pretty much gotta be performing cunnilingus to get any sound out and we got sea doo buttcheeks with us in the show tonight. I mean these guys think perversion is research.
I just hope tetniss is gonna be enough for these scatiphugeous m***********s
think there are any haunted trailers. Birmingham studios is proud to bring you DoppelWide the Devil's in the resales
It's ok snook, it's artificial flavor Uhhh Fakin it for the tmz photo
See they got the next planet of the apes comin out. Cute how the most subversively racist film franchise in history continues to slip past the NAACP
Told my wife Im such a man I could hammer a nail through a board with my d!ck She said why not, you hammer bored with your d!ck all the time
I got an honorable discharge and an English degree, so I can't watch movies for #. "Grenades don't do that, he's dead, gotta reload those, that ain't the legend, but in the book..."
Now how could the world be 25'000 years old if we've had herpes for 1.6 million years
http://www.iflscience.com/plants-and...hey-were-human
Chilling at the library the other day, leaning back in my chair, and this 300 lbs librarian comes up to me and says "scuse me sir, could you not lean on two legs, we don't want you to break our chair." Yeah She thinks chairs are brittle Like this b***h would have hog tied the Wright brothers. Ain't gonna be happy till everyone's in a hover round. Won't be happy then, but least no ones flauntin agility. But got me thinkin Insincerity offends me, so now it has to stop.
We'll all be homeless on hover rounds by the time pc's done with us. Ya know, they can't, why should we? Might hurt someone's feelings.
Wanna send my prayers out for Nicki minaj's tonsillectomy.. She wasn't sick or anything, just needed the room
Moved to Nashville, home of the country music hall of fame AND museum. They make the distinction to keep hillbillys from wondering what's all this memorabilia doing there I spose. That's not the wierd part though, upon the country music hall of fame and museum is a plack announcing "Taylor Swift Education Center." Yeah, the only name. Is that where she goes to school? Do they make more of her there? Nothin against 'er, she's done a fine job as Miley's foil on tmz, love her work, but not sure if she's ready for deanhood yet. If the ticket price ever gets nostalgic ill go up my Swift iq for ya and clear that up. I'm betting on memorial to her miraculous triumph over adversity... An in depth examination of her award winning writing process. Can't wait.
The 31 Most Relatable (And Awesome) Taylor Swift Lyrics http://thoughtcatalog.com/meghan-sum...-swift-lyrics/
Trips me out how dykes dress all butch. I mean ya don't see Jews in jackboots do ya?
Watchin these survival shows, and they're neat, but what are the odds I'm stuck for weeks in the Andes? And then ya know they walk down hill and find some indigenous farmer-- roll credits. Tattered rags carved from a yak hide with broken eye glasses then boom, People, were saved! I'm like you're problems just begun m**********r. But it got me thinkin... So I'm waitin for the discovery channel to get back to me on broke and homeless without id at the foot of the Andes Or ya know, where ever Let's see ya snow cave your way past customs Bear. Yuppies shivering outside social services on Columbus Day That's reality TV Debutants whoring for bus fair, atheists praying, vets wired for sound stomping out the VA Y'all m***********s'll have some spare change by season 2 I guarantee it
Lookin for some crack and guns the other day but Nashville doesn't have a Martin Luther King Boulevard so YA know wtf Where's an outta towner to go
Yall got some serious stirrup phobias here though. Did Picket get hung up in tenis shoes and spark a trend If he'd had pointy boots none this woulda happened I Ain't seen cow # yet but chall ready I mean I know it's fashion, but ya gotta admit it's an interesting costum to have drapped so much bigotry Hay chingcongching why you wearin them comfy pajamas and that funny hat what keep all the sun off yer neck? Is you stupid
Wrangler jeans, the belt buckle that paralyzed superman, checkered pearl button collared long sleeve shirts, pointy high heels, and a hat with more curves than a well cushioned debutante. he's differnt, kill um
I'm just sayin
Anyone seen the second church of Christ? I don't wanna get caught up in a religious controversy
Heels anyway Here girls run slow We need somethin cowboys can catch ya in
As a poet I'm always worried about copyright infringement but as a criminal I find my nascar jump suit and happy birthday sound track works wonders.
Newscast'll only show a deaf blur "Authorities ask if anyone sees this... Corporate spokesman, that they not reproduce his image without express written consent" ya know Do your research
57 banks strong and growing
My ex called me self-centered, I said b***h, you think the garbage man works once a week
Why we gotta put the seat down if she can't watch where she sticks her a*s
Ever wonder if the guy who put the c**k picture in the bathroom could draw a vagin@?
don't know how many of you caught the Music City Bowl here in Nashville, great game, great to have one bowl not named after a corporation, but I was really pullin for Notre Dame and they pulled off the upset and I was kinda stoked till I got downtown and saw all those pompous rich #s content with the world and I'm like wouldn't life be better if they were depressed? ya know, cause the LSU fans were absolutely shell shocked, PTSD all over the place. That's all they got ya know you can't get a job at LSU with a degree from Louisiana State University
I'm young at heart, but they try me as an adult.
I dont know how many of you've seen this, but its Bruce Jenner week at the supermarket checkout line. First he wrecks his car and kills somebody, and I guess it was a publicity stunt cause now he's coming out with a reality TV show about his sex change. Just goes to show ya, #in women drivers.
I mean hard to imagine Kim Kardashian is the product of a diseased mind, ya know. I'm just sayin someones Decathlon Olympic Silver is lookin a bit shinier this morning. Dudes like # it, still got my balls.
Maybe he shoulda been a try-athlete Decatheterlete at least I mean what the #
I'd say we now have definitive proof there are no pyscics, surely you'd have seen Bruce Jenner's sex change coming.
So like I said, I got this trans gender preop FTM (new lingo friend and Bruce is his new hero, so after lambasting him for a reptilian hero with precisely 1 shared life experience I ask "When exactly do you go from M to F?". Ya know, i mean if we're to catch such indignation for getting it wrong then how does that work? do you just declair I'm a woman and Rue Paul goes wild or do ya need hormones and a doctor's note? No answer so far, but apparently its somewhere before surgery and after birth. ITS A BOY!! (As yet) Ya know, doc hands the newborn to his mother, " well, you seem pretty overbearing and I don't see a father around here, so probably gonna be a girl."
Got me thinkin though, so Ive refinanced my student loan using African Mohican Hapsburg werewolf heritage. Saved a bundle, ya know, do your research
127 dead, casual teas,like a cup? #s just funny, "ha nuclear France. Take that!". Blew up a headbangers ball. What a devistating blow. Were sure gonna miss France in the fight against Isis.
The afluenza defense: Your honor my client was raised in a privileged environment and has no respect for others. Case dismissed
The unafluenza defense: Your honor I was starving 10 years day for day.
We need to quit calling it a blow job. Tired of these chicks treating my dikk like egg shells, he ain't gonna be gentile with you. Austenspicously. Ya know, by then I got laid, So its huge
So apparently when you're at a job interview and they ask you to fill the cup to 'this line'. They mean with urine.
bottomless help pit and into it
And we go now live to the White House where press secretary Mebble is about to make an address. Can you tell us about the mood there Wolf? Pensive Chuck, the state of the union comes in two weeks and the Econ.. Oh Mebble is due now Mr secretary mr secretary Yes fox What can the president say to silence critics calling this an unconstitutional regime? That just seditious, the president like any other naturally born citizen takes the constitution very seriously. He has life and liberty throughout the land and in keeping with his oath we are pursueing happiness, and though it has been a resilient foe, we've managed to confine it to a few small pockets in Washington, Colorado, and California.
and now Dan Short for Extenze "yeah, I don't need the #, but maybe it'll keep you from being such an obnoxious b***h"
lost him again sir damn it, old road? yeah, right by Wayne manor who is this guy?
POW to a gut "press the telleporter Robin!" Zap to the shoulder “they keep getting back up!” Zammo off top of a head “Robin?” POP to the knee "Robin!"
ever wonder why the villian doesn't rape the hero when he's got him at his mercy? broadcasts of bain buttfucking batman ya know he would
All are equal before the law (cept the poor, it's after them).
WTF is artificial flavoring? how is that legal: maltodextrin, magnesium chloride, sulfur sulfate, potassium bicarbonate, and artificial flavoring What could possibly be in this # that they don't want us to know
This's just in, Bridget Neilson has performed oral sex on Schwarzenegger, Stallone, and Flavor Flave. Look for her new book "tail's tale, one woman's triumph over the gag reflex" in your grocer this fall
So two nazis are sitting in a bar and one says to the other "Ya know, A lot of people say they couldn't do that" "Yeah, but the oven door wasn't that heavy"
just learned you can boil water in the microwave. yeah, fireman was kind enough to point that out
how in the hell they got New York Times #1 best seller on the cover? books still at the press, aint been sold yet, Best Seller. and I've seen hundreds of these books, just how up to date is this list. Sold twice between 1201 and 1203 tuesday, best seller.
ever wonder if the urinal sensor is a camera looking for # small enough to govern?
We've secretly replaced Hiruhito's katana with this Bic smooth flow ball point pen and... ahhh, myth busted I'd guess so, knowing may be half the battle folks; however, it would appear the other half is battle.
And in latter news, the price of monogamy fell sharply today with the increase in unemployment to close at $409'590. Here to shed light on these numbers is relational economist Brent Farms thank you Chuck, while the latest downturn in mean relationships came as no surprise to the market, maintenance cost were volatile across the nation to around $65'000 per annul varying greatly by religious and sub/dom orientation; however, chapel stocks continued tumbling as many upper middle class Americans who can afford love are opting instead to invest directly in prostitution and keep their savings with the cartels. Well thank you Brent and with a quick synopsis on how you can capitalize on this latest market news we take you live to entrepreneur Sweet Fuzz Da hand make da man. indeed, now back to Tom with an exciting lobby dollar update
by their estimations a chimpanzee was more human than Gandhi. the only creature in the solar system to reason morally on the ramifications of actions and succumbing to angry impulse is our demonstration of humanity. Budha wasn't, neither Jesus, Teresa, nor that Chinese guy, but if you were butt f*cking infants there was no questioning your genome and not a state in the union would remove you from it. "we can save this one, he's human."
shouldn't ben gay be for hemorrhoids?
As a smoker, all be it one on forced hiatus until release's sweet smoldering relief, i'm curious why we aren't the beneficiaries of this wave of tolerance. I understand there's overwhelming research on health concerns, but conception is the leading cause of death. while we owe china annual interest rivaling our pentagon budget, burn a billion years of oil in a few generations, destroy water for hydrogen fuel cells and release child rapists daily, is the guy at the end of the bar really where indignation goes? indeed cigarettes offer real world solutions to our pandemic environmental concerns with pleasant reflective breaks halted early. freeing room, salvaging social security, and improving pre-death period along their wheezy way. smokers may not boast many marathoners, but i'd wager we perform quite well among great writers, inventors, artists, philosophers and comedians. what's a long geriatric period really worth without us?
Everyone knows how many General Lee's they went through, but can you imagine how many Basset's Rosco P Coltrane murdered? If you jump a bridge and miss with the least agile animal on the planet riding shot gun... I mean Luke musta been banging the Human Society lady to keep the lid on that one.
I'm just glad there's a membrane that keeps me from tying my balls in a knot. I was trying one time and it hits me. God is smart. Skit campaign blooper reels interns coming outta the table trump cussing in russian © 2017 CapaneusReviews
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4 Reviews Added on September 7, 2016 Last Updated on December 11, 2017 |
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