My Last Post

I understand that I haven't been posting a whole lot lately. I confess it somewhat has to do with my scheduling and some clarity that is going on in my life. I just want to let everyone know that this will be my final post, not because I have nothing else to write about but because I have realized that this chapter of writing for my viewers has ended. 

If I can be completely honest I started this when I was completely lost, and for the most part it was for me to write out how I felt and to formulate things that I learned through my reading and experiences. I do not regret this, and I still try to live by the things I wrote about. I have slipped up from time to time but I know creating good habits takes time. 

I also started writing to have some sort of way to communicate with my ex-fiance. If you can already tell throughout my writing she was a huge catalyst in my life. Through the joy and through the pain she made a huge impact in my life, and I only wish she knew that even though we have been apart for so long that every single day her memory is still with me. I understand that she is going through her journey herself, and I cant help but always be supporting her even though she is not a part of my life no more. (And no I am not crying every day about the break-up still, I just do that in the showers Tuesday-Thursday ) 

I took a whole year rediscovering who I was as a "man" and to heal completely through all the trauma I went through. And I can honestly admit that this was probably one of the lowest points of grief I ever went through. The pain still haunts me, and sometimes I even wonder why I still bother to think of someone who caused all that pain in my life. Its because I was more so mad at myself then at her. I was weak at the beginning stages of the break up. I closed up to everyone, I became a alcoholic, I became bitter, and financial stupid.

I lost a lot because of my weakness, I was a mess because I pitied my life and decided to let my life and purpose be shrouded by minimal instant pleasures and let the chaos ensue. After I "let the boy die" I started to take control of my life again, but it was nowhere easy, there were a bunch of slip ups along way. I started exercising four times a day while meditating ten minutes in the morning. I also started reading a lot more in the afternoons, and focused on Grappling and Mixed martial arts more. And I cultivated what I wanted my purpose to be in my life. (Still sort of working on my finance stupidity still... I do enjoy fancy steak date dinners) 

Do I regret any of this? Well yes and no. I would be a liar if I said I do not think of being with her again and "if she still wears the ring" or if there will be a time where we reconnect and talk about our past without each other, or she shows up my door randomly. But these are my fantasies nothing more. The reality of the matter is that she has moved on with her life and I have to. Am I bitter about that? No of course not I needed all this to grow, I imagine if we did go through with the wedding and all I can see is my insecurities manifesting and me being a tyrant in the relationship. This is the most bittersweet thing that could have happened. 

Though at points it is sort of humorous that I did all these thing including going to the Philippines for six months to keep my mind busy because of her. I needed all this, just how I needed to start writing again to understand my feelings. (I am a big emotional wuss I get it) I do get embarrassed at times to think that this is all to awkward and that she reads these and think "JESUS DUDE YOU NEED TO GET OVER ME" I mean hey I could see that.

All and all this has been fun writing. Cultivating my thoughts together and expressing it out to the sphere. Though I understand my grammar and writing needs A LOT of work, I truly enjoyed this small chapter in my life. I will still continue to write, but I will write more personally now for myself. I need more time to study for a big change that hopefully will come to fruition, and so sadly these writings will cease after this one. Though I may pick it up again.

Please understand I am more focused on my goals now rather then relationships with women or my friends and even my past relationship. I am just truly glad I got to experience real genuine love from a person and it was reciprocated strongly from me also. I am super grateful that I had a "tangent movie like love experience in Europe with her" and how we got to live together in my favorite country Australia. I was trying to recreate that feeling and realized you cannot recreate feelings of bliss and nostalgia. But to start anew feelings of adventure. And I like to announce my dating life is going well met a lot of great girls that I connect with, and even though its probably not going to come to anything I am just happy I got to meet them all. 

I truly wish that my ex-fiance is dating again (I just do not want to see it, cause I can be sort of selfish kidding) There is a whole slew of great men out there, and I know shes a great choicer of character. Life is hard, but with the plans I have in mind for my life, its about to get way more complicated and much harder. Hopefully by the end of this year my career will start. And even though I am not intentionally seeking I know that one of my minor goals is to find a partner to share my journey with. 

It has been truly great ya'll. 

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
Robert A. Heinlein

-Andrew Paul Caasi