The Harsh Reality Of Going Back To The Dating World

Oh s**t

I do apologize I haven't been writing as often as I should, but I have been on the road lately. Doing a lot of traveling has made me realize how chaotic my life has been here living in the Philippines. I have a lot happen to me, spiritually, mentally, physically. I do feel like a different person. And I am not sure if I like the person I am becoming. I have noticed lately I am more in my head then more often, I feel bitter about certain things, and have bad migraines lately. (It might be the constant MMA training I am going through) 

Though I try to look at everything in a positive outlook the past two months have been a chaotic one. I really have no order or structure in my life that I feel like everyday I go through a constant struggle with my mind. I find myself constantly in a terrible mood, and I find myself way more in a strategic type of aggression so to speak. Maybe because I am constantly sparring and grappling pretty hard and have really no time to relax. Also I have found that I have taken to the bottle pretty hard lately. The constant cheap partying is having a toll on my body that I had to take a step back from drinking alcohol.

Don't get me wrong there are a lot of times where I am extremely happy, but the majority of the time I get triggered easily from whats going on in the world (Extreme Feminism/Socialism/Man Hating) In most cases I am angry how the class system in the Philippines is worst then I expected. (Will write about soon) But in all fairness I feel like the real reason why I am so bitter is because I realized how hardened my heart is now, and how I feel like all the good things I felt will never feel again because I am mentally guarded all the time.

This will be a pessimistic rant on how going back to the dating world (I will write a optimistic one later I am feeling quite moody right now haha). I guess officially I started to "look" when I came to Boracay. Well that is before I made my official peace with everything. YES I know "dude its been f*****g nine months move the f**k on" Well I will say you are right but I just wanted to truly make peace with everything. Me and my Ex Fiance went to this beautiful beach called PUKA on our second day in the Philippines together. There we both realized that more or less there was going to be a future for us. After two and half years I came back to the beach to fully make peace with my past and officially move forward. I remember sitting on the beach and reminiscing of all the good times we spent on this beach, picturing how she looked how I felt at the time and remembering all the good things me and her had together. I sat there quietly thinking that our time was amazing together, and truly appreciating the time I had with her and even though I never wanted it to end I accepted the fact that it did have to happen for me to grow to who I am now. I sat there for ages thinking that "Okay that is enough learning and mourning its time to move forward" I feel like people nowadays tend to move on to quickly that is why I took the time to "Respect her" and to just give myself some time to cope with all my emotions. Even though I can't speak on her behalf she really changed my life and meant the world to me. (I pray everyone meets that person who you just connect with) Although like I always say always wish the people you love to be happy no matter what the cause is.

But I digress after that whole ordeal I came back with a clear mindset. "I am single now its time to have some fun" In my mind at the time I felt as if that it was a adequate time for me to start just enjoying my time at the beach, not really looking for sex, but more so to let go and enjoy my beach island trip. And I have to say when I first kinda let go and start talking to girls I felt a bit awkward about it, thinking to myself "Why am I doing this?". I have always been good at conversing with girls but now it was more different then what I expected. Most of the girls I have to say were really friendly and awesome, all of them just wanted to have a good time just like me, so everyone got along just fine. What can I say naturally I am a big flirt, so in my perspective I did pretty well for myself. I realized that I was more so just enjoying my time in my favorite hostel talking to everyone. Jumping from table to table like I usually do, making people laugh along the way. And yes I admit I did enjoy the attention I got from really really beautiful girls. I forgotten the feeling of being liked by pretty girls that it did make me feel like I had something to offer to other people. Brazilian babes/Aussie babes/Euro babes I just liked the fact that I was "liked" 

At Frendz hostel they have this annual Christmas party and boy it was like nostalgia, because last year I had it with her this time I was alone. I remember faking a smile and laughing but realizing I couldn't hold it in no more. I excused myself and went to my private room to just break down and cry. I made sure no one saw me that I was emotional going to my room, and acted like I was just using the bathroom. I sat down and just cried. I can't explain the feelings I felt at the moment but after that sob seesh that was the last time I cried for how I felt. (And yes you can judge me saying that I am to emotional, but hey I was a closed person to a engaged person to back to being closed again) After my emotional outburst I wiped my tears looked in the mirror put on my happy face and continued my night laughing and having a good time.

The harsh reality to me is that I found that I really didn't want to open up to anyone. I mean holy crap the guys back at home would be hitting me in the head so hard for how inconsiderate I was on my situation. And yes I had girls asking me to come to there rooms or vice versa but to be really honest I passed it all up. Not because they weren't super attractive because they were. But looking at my surroundings I just realized how easy it was to get it, that I just wanted no part of it. I danced with girls, flirted all day long, went on dates. But it would only go as far as that. I know what you are thinking (maybe you're gay) yeah bro that ain't the case. I just feel like I am going cold on dating in general and the whole "You need to get laid aspect" I am so stubborn that if someone tells me to do something I want to do the complete opposite. I am extremely hardheaded person. 

Going on dates and meeting girls is nice, but I found myself comparing a lot and that is really really bad. I'll admit I really did luck out with a good girl but man I got to stop comparing. So yeah for me I don't really care for it no more. But is that a bad thing? (This is the pessimist writing there will be a positive one coming up next)

"Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you." Joey Adams

-A Moody Andrew Paul Caasi.