How I Let Go Of Jealousy And Control

The steps to get your emotional center back.

Control and Jealousy.

Well the short answer for how I got over it was. I lost everything that I feared losing. My Fiance, my friends, my finance, my identity, I truly became lost again. Now I don't want any sympathy for this, because losing everything made me grow and look at everything with a new focus. I was depressed, lonely, and suffering immensely. I still do have episodes of those types of feelings still to this day. But I have learned to control and understand why I am feelings those emotions. I truly hated myself for a while. But even though I was in pain I knew in my heart that this was going to be a great change in my life and I was determined to make it a positive change. So yes I needed to lose everything to understand and find my emotional center.

Though I want to give you my advice on how I fixed these bad traits. If you truly do think you have a problem, and it is affecting your romantic life. I would suggest you seek out help with a counselor. There is no shame admitting that there is a problem that needs to be corrected. Now how do I correct these two flaws? Well admit you have it. Understand why you felt those things. Ask yourself in the moments you were at your weakest why did these bad traits come up? Dig deep. I dug so deep in my brain about this and I realized that a small part of why I felt these things is because I subconsciously adopted it from my father. I remember telling myself I would never yell at my significant other and that I would never throw things in fits of anger like my dad. Well I handled things like my dad did when he was jealous and he didn't have control. I was loud, brash, and spiteful. And I punched walls and threw objects around me. So just admit to yourself first you have these traits. What if you do not know if you have them? Chances are you significant other will tell you about it. No one likes to be controlled and its not a attractive trait to be a jealous person either. Learn from my mistakes.

Control... I really thought about this for a while. Was I a controlling person? I really thought I was not the controlling type of person. I knew in my head I hated the idea of controlling someone. I had this idea that I was a free spirit and I WOULD never control anyone. Well I can now admit that yep I ended up trying to control everything, but I thought it was for the best. Like most men I tried to patch things up when it was already over. And that in a way was a form of control. AND THE WORST TYPE. Control in general is a big topic and it has multiple layers to it. So I am going to talk about controlling your partner only. If you truly want a loving relationship you have to instill this in your head. "Love never binds, it sets free" REAL LOVE is freedom. When your partner chooses to be with you! Not because you make that person love you it is because they "FREELY" want to be with you. I feel like in a way we all know this, but slowly over time we begin to need the other person to fill our voids. We cling to the idea of this person "completing us". That this person is going to be your only source of happiness in life. So what happens when you think that your only source of happiness can subsequently leave your a*s... You start to fear, and when you start to fear you start to hold tightly and try to control. And that fear of losing that person will happen. BECAUSE YOU MADE IT HAPPEN. So how do you stop controlling your partner? 1.) Understand that your partner can leave you if they so choose to whenever they like. No matter what you do let go of the idea of trying to control a feared situation. I feared that my former partner would never love me as much as I loved her. 2.) Live in the present moment. Stop fearing possible bad outcomes if it happens it will happen. I was in a complicated relationship where countries and borders were involved (Pacific Ocean). So I was a constant worry bug about logistics and distance that I showed my partner that I truly did fear that she would leave me if I left her for even a second. You have to accept the fact that your partner that you really love (no one is doubting that) can leave you at any given moment. Remember love is freedom so if you really love that person and you want them to be happy you got to be ready to let go. So enjoy and cherish the moments you have with that person because anything can and will happen if you start to fear and control. 3.) Lastly you are there to give to your partner not control them. Everyone enjoys making there partner happy. I for one enjoyed when I surprised my partner with things I bought or did to make her day just a little better. Giving can overtake controlling if you so let it happen. So give and do not expect anything back.

Jealousy... Pweeeehhhhh Man was this f$#king a *Trump Voice* HUGEEEE problem I had. And sometimes it still comes up. You have to realize another thing. These emotions will always pop up in your life. But you can control these traits if you have the right mindset "ironic wording I know". Let me tell you I struggled so much with this before even my relationship, I can recall I have always been jealous of other people since I was young. This one took time... I mean months and yet I am somewhat still working on it to this day. Though I have a handle on it and understand why I got jealous all the time it still will remain why a lot of things didn't go my way. Jealousy is not attractive, It shows that you are insecure of yourself, and you are not good enough for that person so you think they will leave you for any sign of a better relationship. So yeah I feel like this bad trait was the start of my partner losing feelings for me. My former partner was a mixture of beautiful and hot. And not only did she have a great body, she was a kindhearted warm loving human being... (She did have a temper) And yes she had her own flaws, but she was definitely a "catch". So how did I lose such a great girl. Well like in the control paragraph I started to fear that I was inadequate for her. And though she ended things for different reasons. I feel like this was a huge issue that I had to be fixed. So yeah A lot of guys were into her and I feared that one day she would realize that she could do better then me. So when guys approached her I would always question what was going on and how did it make her feel that he said that? Now there is nothing wrong with wondering what your partner is saying to someone, but its if you start getting antsy that they are going to leave if someone is flirting with them. So if you have a attractive partner realize that other people will hit on them. If they respect and love you, you really don't need to worry about it. In the beginning I truly enjoyed the fact I had the most attractive girl in the area. But my insecurities of myself made me jealous and fearful which made me paranoid of the notion of someone being better then me. And the truth is the reason I was jealous was because I was insecure in myself that I was not good enough. And a lot of people who I talk to about this subject agrees that was what they all felt when they were jealous. Even after she broke up I was jealous and sad that she was most likely not thinking of me, or comparing myself to the people she will date and possibly have romantic relations. I was jealous the fact that she could live without me and I wasn't doing good for the longest time. How did I fix my jealousy and all these feelings. Well it took a lot of time. But I switched my jealousy to wanting her happiness no matter what. I found to love myself again. In short I began to let go. I stopped comparing, because it all starts with yourself in the end. You make yourself have these feelings, YOU are the one who feels jealous, you start to control. So take ownership and fix your bad traits. 

Of course you don't want to picture the person you love with someone else. Your brain can spiral to dark areas if you let this manifest in your head. So this idea might sound insane, but when you truly feel this way you begin to free yourself from feeling jealous or even the feeling of comparison. You wish your ex happiness no matter what the cause of it is. You love them unrequited. If you love the person you want them to be happy even if you are not apart of it. And here is the hard part you have to be happy for the person "if there even is one" that is making them happy. You have to think "Man I am so glad that this person/thing is making her/him happy" Of course don't delve into details on what is making them happy. But just have the feeling of happiness and love for them. Because your time with them is done. Though you wished it was longer it is over. But the right mindset is to have when it ends is only love and happiness for yourself and for your ex. I know its hard but once I finally accepted everything I felt a veil lift in my heart and I became centered and happy. I lost the feeling of jealousy, and I stopped controlling the things I could not control. I became a great full person. I believe to feel centered you have to love your ex and wish them happiness. It doesn't matter what they feel for you as long as you acknowledge that person that was with you deserved your love, but that time is over. After you feel that you are free I promise, and  who knows sometimes things just work out. True love is a great feeling peps!

"what you fear you attract what you look at disappears" Dr. Wayne Dyer

-Andrew Paul Caasi