Empty Physical Affection

How promiscuity made me feel empty inside

Aren't you a emotional wreck? 

You are most likely thinking this is going to be about how religion changed how I thought about sex. Or how I am going to judge other people for being promiscuous, and somehow feel self righteous on stating that I turn down casual sex. On the contrary I am not a religious person, I believe everyone is entitled to there own being and happiness, as long as it doesn't physically hurt other people I say go right ahead. Do not let people tell you what to do with your life. And if you are into casual sex and multiple sex partners I am glad that lifestyle gives you pleasure and happiness. In all honesty I really do not care what you do with your body, for it is your body not mine. This is just me telling you my experience living that "playboy" lifestyle and how it made "ME" feel inside emotionally.

I feel like today's culture is about openness and acceptance! Instant pleasure, Self indulgence, And always wanting more of the physical world. Again I am not a monk trying to do away with this world. I am just merely telling you how I observe how our young generation thinks now. I remember when I was in my teens watching TV, listening to my friends on how it was to be a "man". I remember being told you have to be strong, you had to be this, you had to be that, And you also had to have sex with multiple girls. Me being someone who always wanted to fit in bought into this idea of wanting multiple girls. I mean to me being that guy that every girl wants seemed like a pipe dream. I was shy, uncool, and a Filipino boy living in a rural town. The stereotype of Asians was blanketed on me. No girl really was interested before they even knew who I was. I was just that short asian kid. In a way I was hurt that I felt inferior to my peers. White people and black people where just the norm to date, not the asian. So having that inferior feeling made me push myself to get out there and improve my social skills. Though it took a while and there were a lot of embarrassing moments and hard times I became somewhat of a "Approachable guy". 

In my early twenties I thought I had my dating life figured out. Having a relationship was out of this world to me. I thought to myself how superior I was to people who were in relationships. I saw the fighting, I saw the cheating, I saw the bad side of having a relationship and I wanted no part in it. I scoffed at any notion of meeting the "one". I felt deeply that I understood how females operated and that they were more or less the same. My parents and family did not approve of my behavior and it really did affect them on how I behaved. They didn't understand the fact I could basically use girls for my own personal pleasure and then toss them like they were nothing. Yes I was pretty much a scumbag, I am not proud of it nor do a boast about my twenties. Thinking about it now it was a dark time in how I thought of women and relationships. I remember my younger brother and older sister would make money bets on how long a girl that I brought home would last. 

To me I got all the benefits I needed. Girls I wanted I usually got, sex felt great, and my friends giving me props. I mean what more can a guy ask for? I was living like a real "Man". But in reality out of all those times I was not happy... WHY? Some guys would kill on what you experienced. Well sometimes what you think that makes you happy really doesn't. Yes the truth was I was miserable inside. I came to the realization that most of my sexual encounters alcohol was heavily involved, I found that I had more pleasure from my friends congratulating me on my conquest rather then the deed. It was as if that it solidified the fact that I was the "Man" I had my so called "friends" tell me how great it was to do the things I did. I was empty inside, I felt as if every time I got a girl In bed a piece of me wilted away. 

You are probably thinking, what a emotional b***h get over yourself. And listen I want to make this clear if you think having casual sex is fine then go do it! This again is my take on it.

I saw myself for who I was, I was a insecure little boy who wanted to prove he was better then everyone else. I saw how cruel I treated girls who were genuinely interested in me. I saw how untrustworthy my nature was, and how I made up things to make my lifestyle right. I thought "I mean sex is just sex there is nothing more to it". I felt my own brand of personal shame. It wasn't because of religion, it wasn't because of my friends who looked down on me. It was because I lost all self respect for my mind and body. I knew I started this because I followed a culture that told me that "more is better". I remember inflicting myself to isolation to think deep on why I was not happy, and I found it. I had the need to be accepted by people around me. And that I had this urge to always compare my life to other people. And like everyone else in the world I really wanted to be genuinely loved by someone, but was afraid to lose them. I was afraid to let go of things I truly loved.

Jordan Peterson once stated "If you do casual sex, you perceive yourself as a casual sex partner" And AS FOR ME I do not want to be anyone's casual sex experience anymore. I do not care what people think of me anymore. Judge me, call me less of a man. I found that impulse pleasure did little to make me happy. No more one night stands, late night booty calls, and no more seeking to get laid. No I am not abstaining from sex entirely, just like everyone else I still crave it. If anything I have been told by my significant partners that I even "Talked about it to much". So yes I still want to enjoy sex, but with a partner I want to build a relationship with. I found that I truly enjoyed having a active sex life with one individual rather then multiple females.

We all live in this world of wanting to prove ourselves to others, we demand to have everything that we deem to make us happy. Yet we do not stop and appreciate what we have. Yes I am still faulty of this type of mindset from time to time. But sometimes instead of hating where we are at, lets all attempt to try to appreciate what we have now. Now there is nothing wrong with improving your life and making it where you feel centered. By all means do the things that make you happy. But sometimes try to just close your eyes and think of three things your grateful of. I for one love the idea of self-improvement. But I digress coming back to promiscuity I probably will never seek out to get laid, nor am I seeking a relationship as of now. Right now I am just trying to figure out how to be truly happy being alone. No you will not see me looking through tinder trying to find someone (if anything I always thought of tinder as like shopping for groceries, it made dating really bland in my opinion). Though I find myself a sad pessimist wearing a happy mask. I truly still love making people feel incorporated and happy. Maybe my purpose in life is to bring joy to peoples lives. Throughout my life I felt truly happy when I made the people I love smile.

"Seeing you smile makes me happy"

-Andrew Paul Caasi