Look Up And Follow

My relationship with my father hatred resentment trying to understand one another doing the complete opposite of my dad

"Show me the way father!"

How my relationship with my dad molded me. Maybe I am taking for granted on what I have, I mean some people grew up without a father, others have horrible relationships with them. My dad has always taken care of me and has always sacrificed his life for me, and I truly do respect and love my dad for that. Is that enough though? Is just physical well being enough to be a good father. Probably, maybe I am just a brat who has it good and just does not know how it is without even having one. Never the less I would like to delve deep in how me and my dads relationship made me who I am today.

I believe by all standards my dad is a decent man, extremely hardworking, courteous, follows the rules, a believer, ETC the whole package for a guy on his way to heaven so to speak. But like everyone else he has flaws. I use to blame him for a lot of things wrong in my life, and sometimes I still go back to that mentality of "I am the way I am because you made me this way" but whenever I notice this I realize that everything I feel is on me, not my dad. As you can already tell, me and my dad are different but somewhat the same in a way. If you couldn't see how we look and you just heard our conversations you would think, "they are complete opposites on thought" And you would be completely right. Me and my dad have different opinions about almost everything, I found myself realizing I always argued and questioned my dad since I could speak. I find it hilarious sometimes that his first son (me) that looks like him the most is the least like him, why did this happen?

When I was young I was groomed to be a "Godly Man" to be a God fearing American who only did what was right and good in the eyes of the Lord. EVERYTHING I did when I was younger was most likely religious based. And for a little I followed blindly to that faith. Though I got a lot of my core values from religion I now find it as text to teach people to keep in line or "Follow the flock". My dad was extremely strict when I was young he controlled my education, he didn't let me or my siblings watch any sort of children's cartoons. I remember one time my mom felt so bad she waited till my dad left to work to put on Aladdin or Mulan. My dad was the type of person who wouldn't let me watch Lilo & Stitch because it states that aliens exist or he wouldn't let me watch the Harry Potter Series because they were making magic look okay. So if you follow my drift he was very controlling. I remember much of my youth hating to go to church, because the church we went to was a Baptist church and the sermons lasted for hours on end. Me being young didn't understand much on what was being said and if I did had so many questions about little details, but was always hushed and said "You just have to have faith in the Lord" To this day I still question a lot of things that maybe are taboo to a lot of people, I've always been trying to find answers that is just who I am.

My dad is a Marine Corp veteran he retired a staff Sergeant and now works for the police force. So I get it in way, he is use to getting control because his job required him to lead and to make things happen. My dad has always told me "I always wanted you to be better then me" That saying sticks to me because I know he does want the best for me, but the best he thinks is different to what I think which has lead to many arguments and me turning into somewhat of the black sheep of our family. To try to compare my dad to something I would say his attitude and demeanor is like the character on GOT Stannis Baratheon. Rigid, humorless, hard to make smile, follows law over everything else, leads by example, his way or the highway. Sometimes I joke with myself and think "Well thank God he found Christianity because if he followed Islam I am sure he would be a jihadi" My dad I give him props, when he finds something to be true he is full on 110% with it. Christianity, Veganism, Law, Relationships. He always goes above and beyond the call of duty on what he believes to be true, his downside is he tries to implement his beliefs on his children and wife. Which he soon found out doesn't work in the long run.

Again I love my dad, I don't blame him anymore for anything in the past, I have learned to let go of the past. I have realized even though I wish somethings were different he is my dad, and I will always care for him, love him, and respect him. But Goddamn its still hard as hell to not argue and see things differently in all things. To this day I don't believe we will ever really see eye to eye on things, I also sometimes catch myself hearing my dad say something and me just for the sake of it go the complete opposite thought process to argue with him. Why do I do this? Most likely to get his attention. Even though me and my dad are different I always wanted his approval, I always wanted him to say "I am proud of you" and yes there has been multiple times where I got his approval. The time when I wrestled when I was young and a teen, the time I went to college, the time I decided to travel the world alone, and the time I had my first real relationship with a girl that I truly love. There has been times where I got his approval and yes it made me feel good, till we ended up arguing again.

My thought process now is whoever you meet in your life, good or bad is a way for you to grow as a person. My dad has taught me so many core values, my mom has taught me so many values, my friends, my relationships, etc they all made a impact on my life and I cherish all of them even the bad ones. For everyone who has wronged me, for everyone who has loved me, and for everyone who has cut me off in the intersection on the road... You all impact me in the daily. Now I realize its how I take things is what matters, I make myself feel the way that I feel. People will always do things to you and sometimes it may not be to your expectations, and what do I say about expectations? Replace it with appreciation. Like today me and my dad argued about my next trip overseas and I caught myself in the middle of the argument and sort of swayed my mind to just let it go and realize this is pointless.

Though I sound like I am somewhat enlightened, I am not, I still fail a lot and I still sometimes am quick to anger. I don't parade around thinking I am perfect I know I am not. I still have done things in my life that has brought great shame on myself. I have verbally tried to destroy people I love the most because I was feeling hurt. I have manipulated people to get what I want. I can find myself still greedy, still self indulging, and still untrustworthy. And I don't want to make the excuse "I am only human" I know my dark side, I know its there, and I know it will always be there waiting to come out once in a while to play.

I am a extrovert because my dad is a introvert, my dad rarely smiles I smile as much as I can, my dad is vegan I am not, My dad believes this I believe that. Opposites but still family, as much as I am different I am similar to him. The closest people around me have told me we are the same, but just in a different path. Though in time I wish I can have a civil conversation with my dad without arguing or seeing things differently, but just maybe that will never happen, and in a sad way I have accepted my father for what he stands for and what he believes. He will never bend to nobody but God. And even though I make attempts to understand him, I also still have my core values that will never bend. In a way he molded me to follow myself not others. I love you dad no matter what.

"I am the bull that has left the herd to face the wolves, the question is will I be devoured?"

-Andrew Paul Caasi