Awen #1

Awen will consist of poems regarding subject matter that was inspired by random thoughts or people.

Some nights I am overwhelmed by it all; the wind outside my window is the howl of a child who comes to school with bruises every day, and the creaking of the floorboards is the groaning stomach of a homeless man, and the rain on my roof is gunfire, the sound of soldiers never coming home to their families, and the snapping of branches is a woman whose hope is fading, putting up flyers for her missing daughter, and as the storm rages outside and inside of me, I realize I am in love with each human. they are all pieces of me, and when they break, I break, and I don't know how to make it STOP. I drift into oblivion each night, dreaming to the lullaby of tears hitting the pillow and dampness on my cheeks.

Reviews

[Frank]

Some nights I am overwhelmed, [suggestions and recommended omissions]
the wind outside is the howl of a child
who comes to school with bruises every day,
and the creaking of the floorboards is the
groaning stomach of a homeless man,
and the rain on my roof is gunfire,
the sound of a soldier never to come home,
and the snapping of branches is a woman
whose hope is fading, putting up flyers for the
daughter lost, and as the storm rages,
inside of me, I realize I am in love with each of you
all pieces of me,
and when they break, I break,
and I don't know how to make it stop.

I drift into oblivion each night, dreaming to a lullaby of tears
hitting the pillow
with dampness on my cheeks.

I was so impressed by your work I just had to put it into stanzas, sorry that's the way I read and how the poem responds to me. I rewrote it, I took a liberty with your work, and I assume you post for genuine feedback and to workshop if not please forgive. The sentiments expressed are excellent, you awake images that many of us have, I felt just plonking it all down prose-like lessened the impact of your work. This was just some thoughts for you to examine and perhaps to encourage you to redo.

I can't see anyone responding to your work, I think it is excellent although you really do need to workshop to bring out the bets in you.