The Mystical Adventures of Sir Camelot

A fantasy escape piece i wrote in 1998, with some interesting insights.

THE MYSTICAL ADVENTURES OF

Sir Camelot

By David Camelot

CONTENTS

ITEM SUBJECT PAGE

TITLE 1

LEGAL 2

CONTENTS 3

INTRO 4

CHAPTERS

MENTORS VISIT 5

WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME? 10

DEATH CALLING 12

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 13

UNCHARTED SPACES 16

REBELS WITHOUT A COP 17

INDEX 18

THE MYSTICAL ADVENTURES

INTRO

Hi....well I vaguely recall writing this story in the late 1990s, in an attempt to escape

the life limbo I found myself in, at that time.

Not sure if it was pure escapism though as in reading it now, it seemed to

have some heavy insights I had almost forgotten.

So I thought, well let’s pull it off the shelf and see what others might make of it.

It is rather short but I always did like the style or phrasing of it.

It always was a fun read though it was a bit of a test to write it and parse

the heavy and complex thoughts that birthed it.

Enjoy....

David

THE MYSTICAL ADVENTURES OF SIR CAMELOT

A MENTORS VISIT

"Bored..." said Truvan, as he materialized in the mist. "Truvan", said Sir Ed, surprised to see his

faithful mentor once again after so long. They hugged and slapped each other and gave big grins,

almost to large for lips. "Bored" Truvan said once again. "No more" said Sir Ed, "but a bit tired".

"Yes, I know" said Truvan, "You've been trying to manifest some cash for a long time", "You know"

said Sir Ed, somewhat ashamed of his materialistic pursuits. "Well, well, well, so the world has

tempted you with some pretty treats then, aye?" said Truvan impishly. "Well no" Sir Ed said,

scratching his chin reflectively. "I....I" and Sir Eds words drifted off in to the mist. They exchanged

the usual catch up, on interim passings by and then the silence consumed them both, for a long

while.

"What do you hear?" whispered Truvan...."What?" said Sir Ed. "Listen" said Truvan. Yet Sir Ed

heard nothing. "But there's nothing but silence..." he said, somewhat perplexed. "Yes perhaps" said

Truvan, "But that is not its name". "What?" said Sir Ed. "Silence, that is its description but not its

name" said Truvan. "So what is its name?" said Sir Ed inquisitively. "Listen again" said Truvan and

again the void embraced them.

"Do you have the power" said Truvan reflexively. "The power?" quizzed Sir Ed. "The power to

what?". "The power to give form to the silence" said Truvan definitively. "What for?" cried Sir Ed

exasperated. "What for, what for, what for? " it echoed in the mist like some mad mans lament to

his god. Sir Ed upon hearing his pathetic echo collapsed like some paper rag doll and banged his

right fist in the sand and joined in with "What for, what for...." and the maddening echoes enveloped

the scene till Truvan came close and softly touched him on the shoulder, "my life" sobbed Sir Ed,

"What's it for anyway?" as though the echo had touched upon some frayed nerve or memory of his

tired reflections.

Truvan was silent...but then he began, "The silence, as you call it, has broken many

men", ......"because...." he stopped, dropped to the ground and caressed it "because it cuts to deep",

and he looked at Sir Ed... looking quite tired and disheveled. " Because......because.... it tears....

away at...." said Truvan trying to lead the lad...but suddenly. “Admit me" cried Sir Ed, "Allow me to

enter the realm" and he heard them echo off into the distance. "I am lonely, I am lost" he continued

forgetting Truvan for a moment....and the echoes reverberated into gibberish such that Sir Ed began

suddenly to laugh. And it was a joyous laugh and it filled the darkness. And upon hearing, Truvan

could not help but begin to laugh to. And soon they took each others hand and danced a little jig in

the dark starlit sands and void. The joyous reprieve and spree subsided shortly and Sir Ed and

Truvan sat side by side and gazed into the silence. "It's really quite beautiful" said Sir Ed, "and

awesome", said Truvan "and powerful" said Sir Ed "and seemingly endless" said Truvan, and as

they sat gazing upon its immensity, and then they forged a kind of deepened brotherhood between

their thoughts.

And they sat for what seemed a long, long time and finally Sir Ed said "Why did you come my

friend?" to Truvan, and Truvan stared into the distance and said, "I did not come to you but you

came to where I am..... here in the vastness of the silence" said Truvan gauging its impact upon him,

And Sir Ed realizing the implications of his words sat up and looked at him as if he were a ghost,

"but...but " and he was overwhelmed as if drunk, "but you're real, I'm real, aren't you? Aren't we? "

and he reeled trying to grasp some of the significance. "Real?" said Truvan, "Real as what? A stone?

A $1? A concept? a Dream? Reality my friend" he said" is relatively relative. You needed me so..."

And his thoughts slowly drifted into Sir Eds .... "But." said Sir Ed, "But what?" Said Truvan,

"But I need...." and Sir Ed stopped, unable to continue his thoughts...."i need...I need .....I need...."

he started and repeated it as though it echoed inward and outward, " I need ...I need " he continued

as if stuck "I need" finally Truvan interrupted "yes, yes the nameless endless needs of humans, they

are like a carrot in the darkness, just out of reach, like a ghost perhaps" said Truvan, with a gleam in

his eye. "I need a ghost? Queried Sir ed in disbelief. " A ghost for a ghost" said Truvan, hoping Sir

Ed could follow the intent. Sir Ed sat still somewhat dejectedly absorbed in a struggle with shadows

of his self importance and self pity. Truvan looked on as if waiting for something to gel in the lads

understanding. He did not want to press him to an insight he felt Sir Ed must make alone.

But Sir Ed simply fell into a reverie. He was remembering the funeral of a friend who had

recently passed away. He remembered how it stunned him in some deep way he hadn't been able to

fathom. How he had come to the chapel with family and friends and gazed upon his friends’ lifeless

body. The reality of this cold hard lifeless thing touched him deeply. It was as though the body had

lost its meaningfulness. As though something essential was gone or missing. It was as though this

were a stranger or maybe perhaps a very realistic mannequin, there in form and structure but

something lost in essence and substance. He remembers how numbly he had walked away from the

casket, only to be caught in the grieve and sadness of those others present. How no one could seem

to look eye to eye with each other, as they struggled with their own private emotions. And then in

this sea of lost and confused feelings, it happened. Not suddenly but almost imperceptibly. He felt

something warm and loving, a kind of presence somehow descending upon the scene. A kind of

swan song like mysticalness filling the air of the place from above. He had to check himself to

gauge its reality. Did others feel it too? No, it seemed he alone was sensitive to its presence. It made

him want to share it, this feeling of warmth, love and kindness. To say, hey everyone, its okay, he's

here and alright. But what could he say and why couldn't they feel it and ...?

And then just as suddenly as he had slipped into it, the spell of the reverie dissipated and Sir Ed

looked at Truvan and said, "What about me?" and Truvan somewhat baffled looked at him and said,

"What?". "What about me Truvan?" repeated Sir Ed and Truvan smiled as if intrigued by some

curious departure from expectation. And Sir Ed continued "Yes what about me and what about you

and what about us...? Is there no concern, no care, no thought of? " He stopped to think. "No

thought of my needs, my wants, my desires, my questions, my thoughts, my ambitions, my ..." and

he rambled on such, for a considerable while. "what about all that, what am I to do with all my self

realized baggage? Doesn't it count for anything in this realm? " and Sir Ed stopped amazed by his

boldness and courage but also caught short by what seemed to be his sudden obsessed selfishness.

And Truvan too, reflected a bit, puzzled by these swings in mood and topic but said, "yes it takes a

lot of garbage and learning to make a good selfish, self-important person these days...and what are

you to do with such a mess when you realize your true insignificance or so, in the grand scheme of

things? After all you have been programed to consume and buy and take and it has become a part of

your identity and it sits there within you, looking for completion and fulfilment. So what's to be

done with it all indeed". "We have these habits" he then mockingly bleated, "And they must be

satisfied and fulfilled", "Habits, yes" said Sir Ed, "but is that all I am? Is that all my self and my

thoughts are? Simply programed habits and expectations I've accumulated along the way?" and he

grunted in disgust as though he had been caught off guard somehow by the reflection of his true

nature in the mirror of his friends’ words and so finally having seen himself for what he really was

and what the mindless programmed folly of humanity really was, he struggled with a bit of loathing

and disgust.

"Yes, the self", Said Truvan, "It is a bit of a problem for one, when they come to see their true

selfish nature. The nature of ones habitual need for gratification and stimulation and on and on. It is

the self that tends to be the problem in life" he continued, " not life itself, for life is doing quite fine,

thank you very much, but the self and self awareness, this is where one gets caught in the proverbial

dilemmas and initiations and meanings". "But what's a person to do?" said Sir Ed, perplexed by the

mire he felt he was in. "What indeed?" said Truvan, "And what does the self really want or need or

mean?" Sir Ed pressed, tormented by this initiation of thought he found himself in. "understanding

tends to go a long way in mitigating these dilemmas" said Truvan. "understanding what?" retorted

Sir Ed, frustrated by his own stubbornness, "understanding what one must...." And Truvan stopped,

"This is where power is required" he continued, "one must have the power to initiate and create

their own understanding and peace of mind, from the germs and seeds of ones’ own transcendence,

though to achieve power takes power, which thus must be, sternly and meticulously saved, if one is

to move forward.". "Whoa" said Sir Ed, "That is incredibly deep and simultaneously meaningless, it

seems to me. It's a bit impractical and unrealistic to, in the light of the demands of normalcy and

conditions of modern life, who has the time? I can't do it Truvan" Sir Ed fumed, "I can't possibly

transcend myself because I...." and he stopped, "Because I don't want to. What's in it for me?" And

Sir Ed stopped ashamed of his ultimate submission and pronouncement. "What's in it for me?"

Truvan reflected, "Famous last words Sir Ed" Truvan chided, "Well I...." and Sir Ed vacillated in his

guilt and shame.

The sat alone together again, in the mute silence for quite some time, till Truvan piped in. "Is that

all you have the will to think about, is yourself? Does nothing else impact and impart on you, apart

form your own wants, needs, desires, expectations, your own glory, vanity, well being and pride? "

" Is that so bad?" Queried Sir Ed in genuine and sincere honesty. "is it so bad to ....to be concerned

for myself and the pleasures of this life? After all, I'm the only thing that I really have control over,

it seems." And Truvan looked at him straight in the eyes and they concurred briefly in the honesty

of the moment, as though this genuine movement was what Truvan had been wanting to hear all

along.

"You know" said Sir Ed, "What a selfish a*s I really am and you...." Truvan held up his hand to

stop the lad, "Yes I know" Truvan said, "but did you, did you really know and own that?" and Sir Ed

reflected for a bit and finally said. "Well I was never allowed to admit my selfishness and greed, It

seemed a sin." he added. "I'm selfish Truvan" said Sir Ed, surprised at his own insight. "I'm selfish

and greedy and an a*s to boot" he added again for good measure, as he shifted uncomfortably with

the weight of this insight, not knowing where to put it on his conscience. "Truvan" quizzed sir Ed,

"This defines me somewhat, doesn't it? .... As perhaps a bad or undesirable person" "Or perhaps Sir

Ed" said Truvan " As a typical and normal human being who is now aware or his own previous

unawareness. You see most are unaware that they are unaware and go about preaching whatever

doctrine or quality in complete unconscious hypocrisy." "But I'm not supposed to be selfish, it's

taboo, isn't it? " said Sir Ed, desperately trying to regain a comfort zone, "yes and no" said Truvan,

aware that Sir Ed was now trying to justify or rationalize what appeared to himself an undesirable

and improper character flaw, "Let us just say, that such selfishness as you call it, is difficult and not

quite as it appears" Truvan said. "I'm selfish" Sir Ed said again, "It sounds so wrong, so foreign, so

uncomfortable, so egotistical, so vain, so proud, so ...." "So true" said Truvan,"or ..." and he

stopped. " Well I suppose it would be best for me to admit such in some way. To admit ones truth, at

least to self. For if I were to deceive myself about it, I don't think it would be healthy, would it? "

asked Sir Ed.

"No, I suppose also, it is not healthy for others to impose their reality or truth on us either, when

it goes against the very nature of ones being and human nature, and yet societies programmed folly

has most judging what they themselves are guilty of, though, unawares of such in themselves. I

would say then the issue is not so much about selfishness then but being aware of ones true state

and aware of ones awareness and self awareness, whether about selfishness or whatever", said

Truvan, "For if not, then it's sets up a condition for insanity" added Sir Ed, suddenly aware of the

profoundness of this. "Well yes perhaps but more like another typical dysfunctional

personality, for when a person must deceive themselves in order to gain and maintain self and

others acceptance and reward or approval, one is conditioning themselves for degrees of irrational

behaviour in thinking and personality and self" Truvan summarized.

"But I don't want to be selfish" said Sir Ed, somewhat disturbed by all this. "Why not?" chimed

Truvan, “Because I'm not supposed to be, I suppose." Sir Ed pleaded. "but you are selfish and you

just admitted as much, so you're wrong or bad being what you truly and naturally are so....so you

are fundamentally a bad person because you are selfish and real? Is that about the gist of it Sir Ed?

Truvan finished. "Yes, yes I am bad, I am wrong, I am unacceptable being just what I naturally am

and as such, are an unwanted and unloved and perhaps even an unlovable person. I am not real, I

am untrue, I do not compute, error ...error, I must I..... error.... error selfish true, selfish, selfish, no

self, I do not exist, should not exist, my acceptance is based and conditional upon my defacement

and nonexistence and disassociation of my true nature.... error ...error.... I...." and in exhaustion Sir

Ed struggled to come to grips with his imploding self and thoughts, meanwhile Truvan sat

chuckling at this serio comic performance of Sir Eds self destruction and melt down. "Truth is bad,

selfish is bad, I am truly selfish, I am bad, bad is not good, Bad is undesirable, Truth is undesirable,

bad is truth, selfish is truth, truth is bad, bad mad mad bad stop bad, bad bad self bad truth hide

self bad , I am bad self is bad , self is not true bad bad bad," just then Truvan bopped Sir Ed lightly

on the head to bring him back to awareness. "having fun?" he said. Sir Eds ears were ringing and

he, having received this horrible initiation into the madness of himself as a product of society.

"Well?" said Truvan, "I am selfish and its part of my nature Truvan" said Sir Ed. "I am selfish, it's

true natural and real. I must be selfish in order to exist and be my real self. I am naturally selfish,

Selfishness is a part of who I truly and naturally am. I can't help if I am a selfish person because I

am a function of my self and consciousness. I was made to be selfish. I must be selfish in order to

exist and be true to what and who I am. And I am aware that I am selfish and that is at odds with

what I've been taught or conditioned or programmed to be or admit. I am aware of my selfishness

now and it is not that bad, It is real and true function of who I am. In order to be me I must own

both my good and bad aspects, and yes, own my selfishness at times. " And rather than have Sir Ed

drift off into another endless tirade, Truvan bopped him again lightly. "Feeling better" he said. "Well

sort of...." said Sir Ed, rubbing his head. "Sir Ed" he said somewhat pensively," one must be selfish

in order to be oneself, without a basic sense of self and selfishness then one is at hopeless odds with

ones very sense of oneness and wholeness and being itself. It is a matter of continuity, the

continuity and consistency of being, which one must have and be to function properly in life."

Sir Ed listened silently as he struggled to rearrange his thoughts, feelings and selfness into this

new integrated whole. Finally, he said, "so you're saying, I must be selfish in order to be?" "Well no.

You must be self oriented and self actualized or selfized in order to be a healthy identity. Self

realized and aware is probably the best way to put it" said Truvan. "Self realized, yes" said sir Ed,

"That’s what I need, I must be a self realized and activated awareness" "yes" said Truvan "it is the

semantics surrounding the word selfish, that has thrown you into such confusion. If no one were

not, in a sense, selfish or self initialized then nothing much would perhaps ever get done, but if one

is too selfish or self-interested, in the sense of self centered, then one would have an

unrealistic notion of the true nature of life and self in it. The problem is people label and paint self

realized and self centered behaviour issues, with the same brush, that is, if they even bother to

clarify the concepts at all, as most notions of the whole thing are rather muddy and undefined and

untaught. I mean how often does one or ones’ teachers delve into the matter at all or meditate on

such. All that is generally given is some vague generalized misunderstood concepts, when the

power or meaning lies in the understanding of what’s all involved. Self and selfishness are words

that cover a whole broad spectrum of good and bad behaviours. When in fact it is a kind of

misnomer and poorly used consideration of human endeavours." "Selfishness" Truvan continued "is

neither good nor bad, it simply is the state of being, to refer to it as bad, is to give it a false

connotation as much as to refer to it as good. You could say" he elaborated, "That it is that condition

of being alive. Some have come close with the realization that it is the behaviour that is the problem

and not the person and good and bad behaviours are usually self evident if one goes about figuring

the reasoning behind such. It usually comes out that good behaviours are logical and life affirming

and bad such, illogical and destructive. It is thus that the state of selfishness is the state of being in

the dynamic condition of living by or of opposing logical and illogical forces of such,” “Truvan"

Sir Ed piped in, "it is such a charged word though, it is seen by society as the nemesis and a most

evil thing, selfishness then perhaps". "yes" said Truvan, "But you must diffuse it somewhat, so this

is why you must balance it somewhat by saying that it exists around good or bad, in some instances

but it is ultimately simply a condition of being, it is a neutral thing in the truest sense. It is not

productive to get into moral and virtuous debates as to this nit picking or that. Every act after all

could be considered or is ultimately selfish. The only unselfish person is perhaps a dead one.

Perhaps to make it easier for you, you could substitute soul for self.

They sat then again for a while and stretched their limbs till Truvan motioned to sir Ed to focus

his attention. "Now" he said, "getting back to your pertinent question, what's in it for me? What

specifically are you referring to by that? I want you to be clear on the intent of that question, so

gaze and meditate upon it until you reach its meaning for you.

What's In It For Me?

"Well" said Sir Ed after a time, " I suppose it's very much a self-centred question. I guess it

reflects the ambition and ego of my self in terms of soliciting my cooperation to the activities of life

and society. I suppose I am accessing my motivations which seem to be self entered around

acquisition etc... "Acquisition, yes" said Truvan, " you are a true victim or disciple of the modern

unconscious consumer ethic." "Well yes" said Sir Ed, " so it is natural to my program to want those

desirable rewards or such for my participation in such". "Well what a lot of intellectual psycho

babble and clap trap, though" said Truvan, perplexed by sir Eds words. "Can you just try to spell it

out, " he added for to rebuff some of Sir Eds stubbornness, "in other words, get past the bunk" he

continued, "you have given me fluff and your intellectual diarrhea. I asked you to focus your

attentions and instead you give me a demonstration of your mental gymnastics, to what? Impress

upon me your confusion, or ability to baffle with bull or hide, what are you hiding sir Ed?"

"But i don't know the answer Truvan" said Sir Ed, "I don't know why I want to know what’s in it for

me except that it the general programing and example that has been passed on to me and i have

absorbed perhaps by osmosis," , "yes i know" said Truvan quickly back "why do you suppose I

asked you the question but rather than confess and admit as much, that you don't really quite know,

and that you are acting from perhaps a subconscious instinct, you begin your focus with a bunch of

malarkey and you attempt to pull an intellectual fast one by resorting to the manure pasture" "But

what am I supposed to do when I honestly don't know?" cried Sir Ed , "you must summon the

power of your own initiatives, where you will find and know that the answer lies within the

synthesis of your thinking and feeling, though you will have to sneak around your own behaviours

and habits and reflexes" afforded Truvan. "But how?" said Sir Ed. "The method is a skill which can

be cultivated, assuming you are aware of and accept the insincerity or worthlessness of your

intellectual do doo." Truvan said. "your intellectualizing is simply a clever device or defense, much

akin to charm, for some to shield self-importance from others realizing, that you to, are merely

parroting someone elses insights or conditions and not your own." which with its sting caused the

somewhat oversensitive, Sir Ed to stubbornly withdraw into his wounded self pity and shame. "But

I..." But Sir Ed could not continue feeling as vulnerable as he did. " you are out of touch Sir Ed..."

Truvan said gently, "With yourself". "out of touch "said Sir Ed meekly. "out of touch" repeated

Truvan. "you are in the grips of your habitual programs and defenses which you cling to, despite the

fact that it only serves to alienate you further from the connection and awareness to and of your

emotional intelligence" Truvan concluded. "you are caught in your own thinking and habits, like

many in life, to the exclusion of your truths, emotions, good and bad, weak and strong."

They sat then in silence for a good long while and seemed to doze off. Abruptly.... "It hurt"

screamed sir Ed suddenly. "The feelings, the pain, the confusion, no no no no, I don't... I must not

feel, no no no, I can't bear the pain, the torture, no no no please don't make me, don't take me there,

no no no I can't, I can't deal with it, help, help, save me, the pain, no no please, please, make it

alright, please, I'll do most anything, please, please."

Then unexpectedly, Sir Ed crumbled into a fetal ball and writhed and twisted on the ground in some

kind of emotional hell and torment, "Please, please, help me, shut it out, take it away, the pain of

life, don't make me feel the loss, the pain, the sadness, its to much, the anger, hate, pain, torment, no

no no, save me, put me out of this misery...." where upon he fainted cold.

Truvan came and stood over Sir Eds silent repose as the lad lay in the grips of some nameless

horror or memory of such, having perhaps finally confronted it, he was now fighting it seemed, for

his very life, fighting with this emotional turmoil of some past event perhaps, to tragic to tell. "hold

on lad" whispered the magical Gnome, "you have the power" he silently prayed over the lads still

form. "you have the power to realize your salvation. You have your soulishness to carry you

forward. Seize your soul and lift it up. You are, you are worthy, you are capable, you are effective,

you are good, you are yourself and it is good. It is worthwhile, your self is you, you are your self.

Feel it, know it, It is your power, your life, your feeling, grasp it, grasp your soul and fulfilment.,

Allow it to be, allow you to be, allow you to know your worth, your living and loves, allow the

feeling, allow the self and soul. Allow you, allow your truth, allow you to be so, allow your loving

and living, allow your love, " He stood there silently then. " Amen" he said over the lad and waited.

DEATH CALLING

And slowly Death in all its darkness and horror and pain, drew near to the scene to wait upon its

unknown outcome, And Truvan observing death said "do you seek to destroy his self" "perhaps"

said Death uninterested. "he holds no malice against you " said Truvan. "he just lacks the

understanding though to fathom his own intent" "perhaps" said death again. "He seeks only to live a

worthwhile and happy life" said Truvan. "is that so wrong or evil? " "Perhaps" said death again. "he

is young and foolish" Death said finally. "he is not knowledgeable of so much, such as the law but

more obsessed with his own preferences and resonances." " yes" said Truvan, "but he just doesn't

understand its necessity"

"He questions my authority" said death, "no" said Truvan, 'he questions your methods and your

secrecy", "I am the Law" said death, "yes but then what is life?" said Truvan, "Life be oft the

Lawbreaker" said death. "So life is evil then to you and wrong" said Truvan, "if or when it is the

law breaker" " perhaps" said death once more "or is it life lived for self that is wrong" said Truvan,

"both" said death,

"So it is then as he said, that self is wrong and bad" added Truvan. "self for selfs sake is unworthy"

said Death, "Self for self is to question my finality. Self for sake of others and the whole is to

glorify the law. Self is not wrong but simply insignificant, it is a part of the whole and the part

should serve not only the part but more the whole, when it is advised and informed." said death,

"But as he said, then what is in it for him" said Truvan." the whole is before the part, to serve first

the whole, gives of its self its benefit to the part" said death. "how it that possible?" asked Truvan

"but by faith and hope." he then conjectured. "it is possible because it is the law" said death, "it is

just not easy" "so then what of the self?" asked Truvan. "the self must die to its centeredness, it is

not the center, I am the center" said death. "So how does one live? how is self to console itself?"

said Truvan. "By and only by the legacy of its service to me" said death, "But what kind of reward

is that in the posterity of the living? This legacy after time, in others memory? " said Truvan. "it is

the reward of the least cost to the whole, It is the reward of my expediency, effectiveness and

efficiency. " said death. "but he does not find any value in such reward and legacy, it has no

meaning to the here and now or value to the now or living" said Truvan "for that which you ask

him to give up, that which is truly and only his, his self, and soul and life," "I ask him to leave such

for more and to serve a higher purpose than the part that is himself, I ask him to serve the whole"

said death, "But what of his needs and reality" said Truvan, "I am reality, I am the I am" said death,

"Yes though........" Truvan began but Death interrupted "he comes forth now, " Death said, "teach

him well old magician" and death was silently gone from the moment and place.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

"Whoa, what a nightmare" said Sir Ed, shaking his head. "What happened" he looked at Truvan.

Truvan just sat stoically contemplating. Sir Ed asked again, "what happened...." Truvan broke his

train of thought, turned and said "You are holding a little to tightly to your self. You became

engaged in a battle for your attention. It seems your focus is erroneously centered to much upon

your self, which is very common perhaps even normal. You see we tend to focus or begin such a

focus early in life, A self centered focus on which we postulate such and such and that we, our souls

and ourselves seem to be the center of the universe. It is a most natural understanding in which we

fall into as a result of our assimilation, education and experiences of the world and in society.

Society perhaps often even caters to such a view, to its own detriment but by fortune some rare

rebels venture upon the initiation of a new paradigm of being or perhaps even not being, where

there is a fundamental shift in self awareness, realization and soulishness, where or which can be

explored and which emphasises different views.

"Truvan, must you be so deep" Sir Ed said feeling a headache coming on. "You have the power

Sir Ed" said Truvan, "or at least there is something in your aura that suggests you do. You see the

pain you experienced is the result of you stubbornly holding on to your self importance and self

centeredness and thus not processing it and letting it go. There is a force that is trying to get you to

let go of that throne you're on and move to your rightful stage of higher development. Your pain is a

function of your insistence to retain and remain at the center of your universe." Truvan said in

finality. "But there's nothing in it for me, right?" said Sir Ed said dryly. "No, I'm saying that right

now you look only at the small picture and find little value or worth in the large or holistic picture

because it does not totally cater to your large ego and its self importance and self centeredness."

Truvan explained. "But Truvan", Sir Ed fought, "I'm the only thing that I can really be certain of,

I'm the only thing I have a clear perspective or perception of. It seems what you would want me to

assimilate is sheer speculation in my mind and eye. I've taken to many leaps of faith to...." and he

hesitated, "to oh I 'don't know" and sat down with an air of frustration. " You're asking me to give

up on the sure thing of me and go on a lot of speculation and I'm just not buying it," he said

stubbornly and for effect.

"I assure you" said Truvan, "I am not selling you anything that is not fundamentally a universal

principle or truth. You can not last and I'm just pointing that out to you and that there are other

clearer ways to see things than the way than you currently bear witness to, I am just saying that you

are unaware and unaware that you are unaware and deceived by your perceptions into thinking that

that is the only way of seeing or hearing or being. You can not last young man" said Truvan again in

finality. "I know that and therefore I intend to enjoy every morsel of my time to the fullest" said Sir

Ed rhetorically. " And that is a very natural conclusion for the average bonehead to make from a self

centered point of view" said Truvan, "but practically aside, you aren't considering the hand that is

feeding you and us and making all of this possible" "Well its a very silent hand, then isn't it Truvan"

said Sir Ed defiantly. "No, not necessarily, I would say, as your emotions and pain you have aptly

recently demonstrated, are trying desperately to impart upon you, the error of that kind of thinking

and conclusions but your solution seems to be, to annihilate and suppress and quell away any

feeling whatsoever." said Truvan fiercely. " I can only think for myself and that seems the practical

and realistic thing to do. Granted I see your point that my glasses maybe be tinted, smudged or have

blind spots but I'm not sure what and how or if I can do anything about that," defensively said Sir

Ed "What would you have me do? Second guess the nature of the everything I see and know."

"Yes," said Truvan sharply, "You must actually, you must second guess what you are perceiving

and only believe half of it and half of what you think as well. Only then do you stand a chance of

telling the difference between reality and what you want to be reality and only then can you get in

touch with your real feelings and thus have a powerful aide in traversing this mysterious universe.

And then to, you will perhaps be better able to empathize with others and yourself or know better

when they are leading you down the garden path or on a con job. You would thus be in a better

position to use your awareness to better, more constructive and higher purposes."

"You're not going to have me put myself up for martyrdom or anything? I've had enough of being

the thankless hero."spat Sir Ed. " No, that would be twisted then anyway, by all that come after, but

it would be pertinent if you would assume some responsibility for this wonderful world and host of

us and show some respect for the true and real source and center of it, which I know you realize is

not rightly as you have been told or see but you plead ignorance and in pretense say you do not

understand the nature of the real center of such, so as to absolve yourself of the responsibility you

are shirking, "Truvan quietly said. "Well, I don't know what to do" Sir Ed said perplexed. "Well this

is because you have thought what to do but you must look deeper than mere thought and connect

with your gut or passions and feelings to really know what is needed." Truvan quietly continued.

And Sir Ed seeing the distinction paraphrased as, "So what you're saying is my thoughts are not the

center of the universe but my feelings are more connected there and a better gauge for which to

access on what and how to act and reason." "Yes" said Truvan as he turned away to hide a silent

smile at his progress with the lad.

Sir Ed studied for a time and finally said "So my thoughts are not the center of the universe?

Interesting, but my feelings might possibly flow from there more accurately or in a better mix So

achieving a better balance of thought and feeling ensures a truer picture or perception of the proper

scheme of things." and Truvan could not help but clap in delight at the leap in the lads

understanding and said "Yes, this is a more proper alignment of being. You see your feelings are of

the realm of the spirit, intuition, love and senses in contrast to your thoughts which are more the

product of words, concepts abstractions and artificial things. Feelings are more subjective true and

impinged upon and influenced by memory but this in conjunction with your thoughts, form the

unique assemblage that is you and give your total perspective and perception its distinct view of

reality and the universe. To rely to heavily on one or the other, creates a battleground of confused

input and if input is suspect then output or outcome is not as refined as may be needed. "

"Are you sure about this Truvan" said Sir Ed, "Well check it out yourself then Sir Ed," quipped

Truvan, "What is your felt sense telling you about all this now?" "Well it does have a kind of

emotional logic and feeling to it, as opposed to strict Socratic reasoning. I mean it seems to have a

natural order to it as opposed to just a straight or empirical line of intellectualism. I mean it makes

sense". Truvan laughed at the apparent difficulty Sir Ed was having expressing his enlightenment.

"You see; your feelings confirm your insight but your thoughts have difficulty trying to relate or

convey what you are experiencing." Truvan said. "which is an all to common occurrence."

"So where do we go from here Truvan?" said Sir Ed. " Well " Truvan said, "it is like any skill,

you must practice it for it to be assimilated into an effective life skill and constructive habit. You

must bring it into coherency with your soulishness" "Stretch out your feelings and sensors and see

what they tell you. As I will not always be around to guide or advise you." Truvan added. Shifting

in his lotus position, Sir Ed, sat and meditated upon his new tools and insights.

After a time he said, "well there seems to be quite an imbalance in society, due to just what we

have been discussing here, folks are out of touch with the whole and tend to be focused and almost

obsessed with themselves. Just like I was. It seems they look for direction and insight but it is to

closely tied to their own situation to benefit themselves or any one else. There is thus a lot of fear,

pain, confusion as people debate and force their intellectual opinions on one and other without the

benefit of a holistic logical framework and means of proof or truth. They seem stuck in the small

picture without knowing how they can acquire that to give them true insight. I sense a deep

longing" Sir Ed said suddenly. "A longing?" queried Truvan. "yes" said Sir Ed, "It is unclear really,

a general malaise and unrest". "Really" said Truvan, "Yes" said Sir Ed, "as though society is

uncertain of itself or its path and it is frightened and afraid of what lies ahead or even afraid that

nothing seems to lie ahead and also a fear of what is or may be left behind." " Sounds like you" said

Truvan, "Me?" said Sir Ed, "Yes, you as a member of that generation" said Truvan, "A generation of

overindulgence to the point of silliness. A generation of overstimulation, overpopulation, over

success, over kill, over bearing, over rating. Over exposure, the outcome of the 'what’s in it for me'

question. A generation unconcerned with permanence and law but simply getting away with

whatever and who ever it can get away with. A generation where image and winning is everything

and substance and worth can be bought for next to nothing. A generation who think it is their right

to do and be and treat all in any manner they see fit. A generation of such adaptableness that it will

and does refuse to hold or stand for anything of real worth or meaning, as it will simply adapt or

even maladapt to whatever works.

A generation that holds nothing as sacred, which has no real values but economics and a

mathematical morality. How am I doing" said Truvan, "well I admit it is a little like what I'm

sensing " said Sir Ed. "but you're moralizing, judging and lecturing, Truvan". "Not really " said

Truvan, 'Though I don't mind judging when needed, as opposed to prejudging but what I've stated is

just the snapshot of the times you live in, in relation to how it is viewed through a more emotional

lens." "But what of it Truvan?" said Sir Ed puzzled. "Well whatever perhaps" said Truvan, " It just

helps to have the real goods on the table as opposed to a distorted fare, for true sight is more useful

than bent, regardless of what one chooses to do with it or about it.” “Fair enough" Said Sir Ed. "So

you see" continued Truvan, "feelings have a value and reality and meaning that is beyond simply a

device to sway the sentiments or turn ones crank. Feelings have a value, worth and meaning that

can guide us beyond the rational and hard. Sensitivity, then, is important beyond just

sentimentalism, it is a means to and of the enlightenment and higher being of and in society.

Feelings are more than just a means of emotional manipulation then. They are a gauge and measure

of a heightened intelligence on the spectrum of experience. To be devoid of feelings is to rob one of

the subtleties and intrinsic rewards found in them and in being. Mostly ones’ feelings are just as

valid as ones’ thoughts. Again they are not simply a commodity to be manipulated by intellect or

ambition, most are as relevant and valid to the dialog as any economic considerations. To live

without feelings and passions is to live without the enhancement of the color and beauty and

meanings they bring to life." Sir Ed simply listened in silence drinking in the mead of the

knowledge of Truvans words. Truvan stopped then, to let Sir Ed digest the wine of them.

"Boy, are you a mess or what sometimes" said Truvan after a long pause, "In review, from your

intellectual psycho babble and defenses, you swing over to an emotional basket case. Your handling

of the two thus seems far out of balance. You are a lousy dancer when it comes to such it seems, but

perhaps practice and time will bring out a more gracious dance." I'm sorry" said Sir Ed, more aware

of his constitution thanks to Truvans feedback. "I guess I just got tangled in my own battle. It's hard

to think outside of yourself sometimes when you're hammering blindly away on your own toe, but

thanks to your mental diagrams I sense a slow awakening of something inside of me ".

UNCHARTED SPACES

"It is difficult, I have nothing to lead me", Sir Ed confessed, “it seems these are uncharted waters

for me and my kind. I am having to lay a totally new path down, without the knowing and benefit of

what it will benefit or effect." said Sir Ed, "Yes perhaps" said Truvan, "Trial and error most like,".

Suddenly Sir Ed paused. "yes that's it, I'm wondering what is the use or benefit of all this, where is

the example of the thing or consequences to follow? What will all this produce of benefit or use

down the road? What is to be the effect of mastering this dance of reason and passion?" And

Truvan genuinely somewhat surprised, considered these insights and said. "Hmmm well good

questions Sir Ed", And in thought he gazed deeply within and contemplated it to say..." But isn’t

that in effect, similar in a way to the "What's in it for me query? Though I see a subtle shift in now

you ask it in a more holistic way perhaps, like What's in it for us? And thus there in lies the

difference and progress. It suggests less concern with self and self gain and more for how will this

contribute to the understanding and spirit of humanity or Earth life and community as a whole. So

what is your concern or passion then Sir Ed?" asked Truvan. And Sir Ed summoned it up as, "Well

for humans to come to a common understanding and realization of the purpose and meaning of our

lives and paths and to elevate and nurture that and the coming generations upon a continuum that is

productive and fruitful to such and to experience and legacy."

"So would you say this path of yours has been easy or recommend it to others?" asked Truvan. this

stopped Sir Ed dead and he was filled with the dread of wishing the way and fate that he had gone

through on anyone. "Hell no, Truvan. I wouldn't wish my struggles on anyone, for petes sake, I'm

just lucky by a hair to be alive. Heaven knows what other or foul thing anyone else taking this path

would have come up with, even if had they lived. It has taken every centimeter of my being not to

succumb to death, hatred, pain and anger and rage that often found me. It was pure torture." Sir Ed

revealed. "But then look it is a triumph then, even if only for you. You overcame impossible odds

and came out the right door or made the right door yourself. That is no easy task. How exactly did

you manage that? And live to tell the tale" Truvan queried, "Heaven knows" said Sir Ed, " I often

have to pinch myself, to see if this and I am still really real and alive and I still have a few days now

and then when I'm right back in the lions den, but how did I make it through? Well not sure but if

anything perhaps it probably was more habit than anything, Getting up each day, making it thru on

rote and then drifting off wearily to sleep each night." Truvan marveled, not fully aware as to just

how torturous Sir Eds path had been. '"Well very good because it suggests to some degree, that you

have come to terms with your own passing and death, through a living through a kind of dead mans

walking sentence or experience, you made it through, not to the other side perhaps, but to some kind

of tenable middle ground or no mans land. Limbo land." Sir Ed followed him with " Yes, that would

seem to describe a lot of it thouhgh the real kicker is waiting out the boredom and fatigue and

fighting off the despair it summons. I must say to, that I was not always impeccable enough to meet

the challenges along the way and there is or was no final break through, just a slow changeover or

morphing into better and better habits each and ever day. That was the effect for me I guess, if that’s

what you're asking. What is your take or effect on it Truvan, to or for you?", "Well it creates a

demand for pen and paper." Truvan replied comically. "But I have been trying to fashion you, by it,

into a readiness to be impeccable enough, to live in a mystical or quantum world or reality." And

with that, Truvan got up and decided he would walk and meditate on all that had transpired.

REBELS WITHOUT A COP

After a time, Sir Ed, feeling restless, got up and began pacing the sands. He did this for a long

while, caught in a struggle of thought and feelings. Finally, it seemed, after forever, Truvan returned

and observed Sir Ed in his anxiety. "You must rest" Truvan said to the lad, "you are dangerously

vulnerable and admissible to forces beyond your ken." So he made Sir Ed lie down on the sand with

his belly to the Earth. "The earth will recharge your energies" he said and sat down besides him. Sir

Ed rested for a spell and did actually feel little electric currents touching his will from the Earth. It

was as if he had been plugged into a socket and it was somehow recharging his body and aura.

After a time, Truvan summoned Sir Ed to sit up and gaze. He was to gaze into his thoughts and

feelings, "So what do you find?" Truvan asked. "Nothing" said Sir Ed. "Good" said Truvan, "you

are ready. So now what you must do Sir Ed, is expand your sensitivity. You must, as it were,

embrace and observe the globe with your senses." "How is that done?" ventured Sir Ed. "With much

trying, practice and patience" stated Truvan, “and a novel technique of memory orienteering and

mapping, which is a slightly different take on a conventional technique called 'mental rotation'.”

Truvan then spent the next 3 hours explaining and practicing the skill with Sir Ed.

"So what do you sense" Truvan asked, after the lessons, with Sir Ed trying it 'live'. "Well" said

Sir Ed, " I sense life, people, living, dying, searching, hoping, helping and praying." and he

continued to ramble on for a bit. "And?" said Truvan, "Well little, not quite fingers but feelers

reaching out around the globe, looking, sensing, touching." Sir Ed finished enthralled by his efforts.

"Very good" said Truvan. "What you are essentially sensing is the seeming chaos or anarchy of

humanity or the human sphere upon the planet. It is a disturbing feeling at first. A juxtaposition of

good, bad, all, none, birth, death, etc. etc. It plays havoc with the human mental form and

sensibilities, though, as one is usually restricted to just seeing one side or the other. Seeing it all, is a

bit much to take in and reconcile or make normal sense of. It may thus, look like anarchy and chaos

from afar, yet as you localize, the order and habit and customs become more distinct and apparent.

From this astral vantage point it seems a ball of chaos and madness even. A huge melting pot of

being and beings, with the bubbles perking here and there, with no apparent center of control. One

must be very careful though, to, to always triangulate or even quadulate the impressions with and

from many angles and sources or one can drift off into...." And he stopped, not wanting to frighten

the lad to much of the dangers.

"But what holds it all together" asked Sir Ed quite confused. Truvan couldn't help but laugh, and

throwing his hands up in the air said "Expectations and momentum perhaps, it is difficult to say. It

is here where ones’ usual notions of leadership, power, authority fall apart as it doesn't seem to obey

those laws or traditions or conventions any longer. It is somewhat disturbing thus to most, as it

seems that the concept and need of traditional control is not necessary in this realm or vantage, and

that other things are at work." "Other things?" asked Sir Ed, "Like what or how?" " Well its not

terribly well known or even if it were, it would be difficult to put into mere words. It seems to come

to, in understanding it, one and we are better off just to observe it and it imparts or imprints its

workings on us in sort of an indelible fashion." Truvan said, “Well how can if function then as such

Truvan" asked Sir Ed again. "Well" Truvan shrugged and said, " There’s not enough time for that

now and it is time for you to return to your normal awareness" "Yes " said Sir Ed, "I'm feeling quite

boggled" He gave Truvan a quick hug and said, "Thanks my friend, for everything, I am at a loss as

to how to repay you" "Well just pay it forward then, my friend," said Truvan and the scene vanished

and Truvan was gone.