Traitor

Being obsessed by the second world war, I always write poems and stories about it. So this is the outcome of one of my first ever tries .... hope you like it:)

Chests heaving, we wait,

lying low in the communal graces borne

from the labour of our own hands.

 

Traumatised, we flinch every time a shell

showers the trench with more mud and grime,

as we dread the horrors the next second might hold.

 

Above, the shooting ceases;

sergeant's voice arises from the sudden silence -

our time has come to retaliate. 

 

Eyes downcast, soldiers stagger to their feet.

I strive to copy their fatigued motions, but fail -

my leg is as brittle as a bone.

 

Panicking, my heart plays a drum roll

as I hear the echo of soldier's shrieks;

bodies tumble back down and collapse in a heap.

 

Not that far away,

a figure ambles towards me,

and a hand grapples with mine.

 

'Brother,' I whisper, 'Leave me.'

My words are futile;

he does not wish to leave me solitary.

 

My breaths are ragged,

cutting into the deathly silence.

I fear the troop has fallen.

 

I wait.

I listen.

Inside, I'm breaking apart.

 

The last body plummets down,

yet it is writhing like a snake,

bloodied, the seargeant's face rises from the pile.

 

'TRAITOR,' he cries, eyes filled with contempt.

He directs a gun to my brother's temple.

My lips move in a struggle to protest.

 

In slow motion, I follow the bullet

as it rips through the air,

unrelenting and adamant to reach its prey.

 

My wish is to dive in, save him,

yet my stubborn leg disables me,

leaving me with no other choice than to watch.

 

My brother lies motionless in the deep mud,

and through wet lashes I return the sergeant's gaze.

Again, the man raises his gun.

 

To his head. Seconds tick by.

And I am left.

All.

Alone.

Author's Note

Do you think it worked well? What do you think I should do to adjust it?

Reviews

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

A very well written story. Excellent. Thank you for sharing. Debileah

[Flo_writer]

I can see you're good with imaginary, this sounds like an exert from a movie script. It didn't take much of my own imagination to feel what was going on, your words place me there.

[Crowley]

Wow. Very solid imagery here, I loved this poem. The pace was good and the writing is very solid. It definitely leaves me not wanting to be in the same situation. Kudos to you and your work, can't wait to read the other stuff you have posted.

[fireblossom]

Yep...you put the vision to paper in a great way. You have some great poems in your future. Keep writing Cam.

[Bexers]

I really really really really enjoyed reading this poem.
I think you captured the emotions that come along with that war to near perfection.

I don't see anything you should adjust, but then again, I am half occupied, and I apologize. But this poem really caught my eye. Amazing work!