In my mental health career, I encountered numerous people who were suffering much as the speaker in this offering is. When someone gets to this point, it means they have been off their medications a long, long time. Hospitalization is the only course now.
PS: You might consider rewording the next to last line. The rhyming and meter is excellent up to that point, but as it reads now, it throws the meter off.
Posted 2 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
2 Years Ago
I will look into what you said John. Thanks for commenting! :)
(When you're not okay suicide ain't a solution It ain't the place to go.) How very true. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You wrote it well. ~Sharon
In my mental health career, I encountered numerous people who were suffering much as the speaker in this offering is. When someone gets to this point, it means they have been off their medications a long, long time. Hospitalization is the only course now.
PS: You might consider rewording the next to last line. The rhyming and meter is excellent up to that point, but as it reads now, it throws the meter off.
Posted 2 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
2 Years Ago
I will look into what you said John. Thanks for commenting! :)
Wish a friend of mine had understood that thirty years ago. Now, all that remains of her is an old rosary and a faded gravestone. Quite a poem. Short and very much to the point. Excellent message.
Blood is running down the walls
Bugs are in my hair.
I hear screams inside my head
And I don't even care.
- - - - - -
Okay, given that, why should reader care?
I mean no disrespect, but think about it. Someone we know nothing about telling us how he feels, in general without making us know why, or, making the reader care.
As a reader reaction: If blood is running down the walls where you are, get the hell out of there. Sure, you meant it as a metaphor. But who in all the world, other than you, knows what events, or beliefs link the one you refer to, to the points of the metaphor?
For you, who has both context, and intent—who feels the emotion as you write—is driven to write it, it makes sense as you read it. But as Mark Twain famously said, “Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.”
You’re TELLING the reader things when you should be showing it to them so realistically, so deeply into your viewpoint, that they feel as if it’s THEIR story.
Talk to the reader and at best, you get, “Aww…poor baby.” But in looking into why you feel as you do, so as to make the reader share and understand, who knows, you may better understand yourself?
You did ask...
Posted 2 Years Ago
0 of 1 people found this review constructive.
2 Years Ago
Thanks for your comment. I understand what you are saying. All I was trying to imply was that the ch.. read moreThanks for your comment. I understand what you are saying. All I was trying to imply was that the character was going "crazy". This was just a quick poem I made last year for suicide prevention.
2 Years Ago
I just thought I would share it with everyone. Also, I know you mean no disrespect. :)
People.. read moreI just thought I would share it with everyone. Also, I know you mean no disrespect. :)
People can take criticism two ways: the disrespectful route, or the learn from your mistake route.
I try to learn from my mistakes,so I actually appreciate your comments.
Great writing, really meaningful. The third line has a typo - lowercase "i." I wouldn't say you need the commas, especially since you go without on line 7, but that's just a stylistic thing.
Good to know. I will change the "i". When you say no commas do you mean at the end of every stanza?
2 Years Ago
Yeah, it's readable without them but perfectly fine to keep them in as well. Whatever you think help.. read moreYeah, it's readable without them but perfectly fine to keep them in as well. Whatever you think helps with the "flow" the best.
Hey! I'm a young writer that is not the best, though I am trying! I have written many poems down over the years. I have a mixture of goofy poems and darker poems that may be on the more depressing sid.. more..