Preface - Leaving

Leo, a special 19 year old, is introduced and we find out more about his past and his goals.

Dear Leo,

       

        I know there must be a reason you ran. Why else would you leave me?

 

Forever and Always,

Jill

 

My hand trembled as I read the note. I know I cannot return. Not for Jill. Not for anyone. Jill was my only friend. She accepted me for who I was. Those times are gone now. I have to leave. I can’t stand everyone staring at me with fright as I walk down the street. Children stood before me frozen and wide eyed. I don’t blame them. To the village, I was the Devil. I killed many men with my power. That is all over now for I am running. I am going west to live in the solitude of my old home in a mountain cave.

My name is Leo. At my birth, my mother knew I was special and gave me the name of the lion of the stars. Our neighboring clans had come to destroy our clan of waabudu wa shetani, or “worshipers of the Devil” when I was only a boy of ten.

 My whole clan was full of people like me. All of us were different from the rest of the clans. We could do things they cannot and they feared us for it. They had seen our work before and did not trust us. They thought we worked for the Devil but this is not true.

When the clans first struck us they killed nearly all of us. Some of us fled to the nearby mountains to seek refuge. I was among them. Both of my parents had gotten killed trying to defend our borders. The children were told to flee to the mountains. Only a few of us survived the first few days of life after the destruction of our village. I saw all of my friends dying around me. I learned to survive very quickly and was soon the only one of our kind left.

We were always hunted and we always escaped but this time we had not. The clans were too strong. We had been attacked six times in the first ten years of my life but I am a young man of 19 and all of that is now a vague memory. Now I am fleeing this village that had once accepted and even worshiped me to return to my hideout in the mountains. Fleeing, hiding, and surviving. Such is the life of the last known wizard.

Author's Note

My first book that I came up with on my own. I love regular feedback but prefer to get constructive help when I can. If you can't help make it better, then let me know how much you like/hate it.

Reviews

[Weaver]

"My hand trembled as I read the note. I know I cannot return." - The first sentence here is in past tense, but the next one is in present tense. Either is acceptable (past tense is more common for fiction, but both are used), but you need to choose one and stick with it throughout.
"I have to leave." - present tense (as is the next sentence)
"Children stood before me frozen and wide eyed." - past tense
"wide eyed" - "wide-eyed"
comma after "That is all over"
"At birth, my mother knew I was special" - awkward - try "At my birth, my mother knew"
"Our neighboring clans had come to destroy our clan" - delete "Our"
"waabudu wa shetani" - italics, not bold
comma after "Devil"
comma after "things they cannot"
comma after "worked for the Devil"
"When the clans first struck us they killed nearly all of us" - "When the clans first struck, they killed nearly all of us"
"Some of us fled to the nearby mountains to seek refuge" - delete "of us"
"I learned to survive very quickly and was soon the only one of our kind left." - It does seem strange that this person is the only survivor, although the other people from his clan have the same special skills.
comma after "We were always hunted"
comma after "and we always escaped"
comma after "first ten years of my life"
"young man of 19" - "nineteen" - comma after
"Fleeing, hiding, and surviving. Such is the life of the last known wizard" - colon or dash, not period, after "surviving"

The one thing you really need to look out for is changing verb tenses. I didn't suggest changes to this because I didn't know if you intended past tense or present.

EVERYONE has problems with commas (even some professional authors who ought to know better), so don't feel bad about that.

This chapter reads like a prologue - all backstory - but it doesn't have anything to really draw the reader into what happens here. Adding snippets of dialogue or developing the details of the events described would help with that.

I like your last line - good set-up for more story.

[.quan.011.]

I like the premise of this story, and the main character. You write very well, and I can't wait to read more.

[Joshy1128]

An amazing write! It touches you and yet makes you very intrigued at the same time. I definitely want to know wat is next for our character. 90 out of 100

[~Lizzy♬]

I really love the descriptions of the protagonist. The whole first chapter brought in the main character right away, but the commas and some past tense words are all that I saw you needed to change. I thought that some of it was a little confusing, but I will want to read more soon. :)

~Bookers~ (Lizzard)

[The Half-Blood Princes]

The premise is very interesting, and I like the name choice for the protagonist. The reveal at the end was put nicely and dramatically, and makes the reader want to read more.
The main problem with this I'd say is the amount of exposition given to the reader very early in the story. You already know his entire past by the first page, what happened to his parents and who he is. Nitpicking, you mentioned he was ten years old twice and the tenses get a tad confusing in the last paragraph, but all and all it seems like an interesting idea with well thought out characters (which I suppose I can't really judge yet, as we haven't heard any dialogue) I will definitely be reading on.
- Half Blood Princes

[heartbrake]

this is amazing i wish i could write like this well done it was relly good and entertaining makes you want more