I'm getting divorced

A man writes about getting divorced, and the situation leading up to the realization that his marriage is over.

I will be getting divorced. 

 

My wife has already asked me for one on two separate occasions now, and I told her that it would not happen, to get the thought out of your head, but now things have changed.  I would be content to simply “maintain” I’ve explained to her previously, probably not very eloquently.  I wasn’t happy, she was not happy, but that’s just the way it is with marriage sometimes, isn’t it?  There are good times, and there are bad times, and hopefully the first is more prevalent then the second, but regardless marriage is not about chasing happiness, but about living with our decisions and our commitments.

 

I told her that it doesn’t matter to me that our relationship is not what it used to be, that we might be two different people now, seemingly forced into this relationship of ours, but that is the way it is and so you better get used to it.  We have kids after all, and so we have to consider them first.  That means staying married, doesn’t it?  I don’t want another man to influence who my children become, and the only way I can assure that is to stay.  I’ve resigned myself to this role of “husband” in trade for being “father”.

 

She watched her parents fight and argue and stay married and that was not the life she wanted for herself.  I was raised with religion, and while I am anything but a Catholic now, I’ve been engraved with the dogma and it’s been hard to shake, although the passing of the years makes it easier.

 

She has referred to us as roommates, and that makes sense. I don’t disagree, except that no two sane people would ever select our situation for their living arrangement.  I’ve argued with her, claiming that that was “ok” with me.  I would prefer to be roommates, I said, then to be bitter married adversaries.  At least roommates have a level of mutual respect that we seem to be lacking.  I even argued that perhaps if we acted more like real roommates some of our problems would disappear.

 

We’ve fought on so many occasions, and the aftermath lasts so long that I’ve often wondered to myself if it was worth it.  I’ve endured weeks of silence, and she has suffered though a husband that was not open and communicative.  In my defense, it’s a difficult task to remain intimate in such a situation, but this is not about defending myself, as that is too close to making excuses. Whatever defense I may have been able to make before is most certainly long gone now.

 

She has accused me of cheating before.  I never did.  Her claims were really and truly unfounded, but I understand why she made them.  The intimacy was long gone between us, so I must be seeking it elsewhere.  I claimed I never would cheat and that if it ever got to the point that I wanted to, that I would just leave.  I probably was a bit smug even, knowing that the opportunity to do so had been presented to me on previous occasions and I remained completely faithful.

 

I’ve now made myself a liar.  I met someone.  It’s not serious, it may never be.  Perhaps in fact, it might only have been that one night, and we may never see each other again, but it doesn’t matter really.  We all live our lives, with each day much like the one before until we have these small moments of change, events that will forever alter us.  In our entire lives perhaps we may only experience a small number of these events, but once encountered we are not able to go back to the way things were.  My life will be different now.

 

I do have regrets, but I do not regret my indiscretion.  If you are wondering if drinking was involved, it was, but my eyes were wide open and that played no part in my actions.  The choices I made were not influenced by alcohol, but I worry that hers may have been, and I regret that.  I regret that it took the other night to open my eyes to what I needed to do and what I should have done a long time ago.  I regret that she might have lost some respect among her coworkers that were there that night, seeing her with me, a married man.

 

It has been said that, “Nothing happens until the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change”, and that is where I am today and probably where my wife has been for a while. 

 

In the past two days, I’ve been unable to eat; my mind is distracted from work and everything else.  I see the other woman’s smile in my memory, and I see her eyes and the freckles on her skin.  I can feel her hand in mine.  I can hear her laugh.  I have now had feelings for another woman, feelings that I did not think were left in me, and there is no going back.  I regret that she and I met under these circumstances because it probably means that there will not be a future between us.  I do not want to regret feeling this way again, and that pain outweighs the pain of staying the same.   

 

I’ll need to be the one to ask for a divorce now, and the words that I will use when I do so are being played out in my mind over and over again.  I find it easier to take pen to paper and write these thoughts, to clearly define to myself what I need to do and what it is that brought me to this realization.  I don’t think it’s necessary to mention the other woman.  While she might be the one that I credit with my coming to the realization of what needs to be done, she isn’t responsible, it’s long overdue.

 

So here I am, coming to terms with my actions, and preparing for the next step of my life.  I find it a bit pathetic that I am actually taking small comfort in knowing that I am not the first to experience what I am about to: Divorce.  Why do I find any comfort in being no better then other people, why is that a valid excuse to me?  In high school and after, I watched my friends cheat on their girlfriends, and I was always disgusted by it, and now here I am committing the same actions and I’m more disgusted that it doesn’t really bother me.  What a piece of work I am, a real class act.  I’m certainly a huge hypocrite to say the least.

 

I am scared of the near future, and the pain that it will cause, but I am also looking forward to getting past this.  I am looking forward to the time when my wife and I can talk to each other as the people that we are meant to be, not the people that we are now.  Once we unload all the bullshit, once we stop the passive aggressiveness, I’m quite sure that we will like each other a lot more then we do now.  We may even be friends again.

Reviews

[Ruby]

I feel for you. Sad but true relationships are so difficult (for me at least)
I'm divorced then had another long term relationship
After I adopted as a single parent. Felt so complicated
With regards to my son who came to view him as his dad.
However rather than 'roommates' we separated and it is good now.
We are friends rather than enemies my son loves his time
With his Dad and I feel free!!

Sound as if you feel terribly guilty about affair
And although it's not ideal you didn't separate first
No point beating yourself up. Be true to yourself and happiness
Will follow for both you your wife and kids.
We all deserve to have the relationships we deserve.
Good luck

[Dhaye]

I admire you for having such thoughts and decision. Rarely that couples who want to get divorce think of being friends again, or liking each other again. Only few fathers think like you, who prioritizes the father than the husband figure.

I salute and respect you for taking much courage to write this one with a sensitive and too personal theme.
God bless you on your journey, Sir!

[Leticia Z]

There is definitely hope after a divorce.
During the time you are going through it,
it seems impossible.

However, the hope exists
the light shines at the end.
For me taking the time to get to know me was
so powerful and it has helped me tremendously
to be away from all the fighting and the pain.

You will see the light again
The pain will come in waves
For me stopping the thoughts with music
or stories helped so much.
Will pray for peace!

[Emmy J.M. Powell]

Much respect for you, sir. Very well-written, good luck to you