Things I couldn't do

A Story by Cj

It was only when I already ran through the long patchy grass that I heard him speak.

"Wow, you're actually doing this? Again?"

Since no living human was around, I though it would feel good to finally answer him out loud.

"Stop being weird, you were the one who persuaded me to do this again. By the way, don't you feel warm?" the sun was shining like crazy, and he wore a jacket. So I figure he must feel hot.

"Nah, it's alright. I like it this way better. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm Norwegian, so why the hell do I wear a jacket in the winter? But I can't answer this question. So don't ask it."

I put my hood on, because unlike him, I didn't like the sun burning my skin. I dug in purse and found my sun's cream.

"Well, anyway, it is nice to talk to you normally for a change, you know. I wish you were real, and this was the two of us running away, not only me, talking to someone who only exists in my mind" I spoke heavily

"I am real, you keep forgetting that.."

"Alex, stop this. You're not real, and that's it. Could we just focus on reaching the forest right now?"

We walked for what seemed like eternity, when i finally saw a small forest. "This should do, let's stay there"

"Won't they find us?"

"They might find me, but not you, so don't worry"

I sat on the ground and leaned to the nearby tree. It suddenly got very cold, even though just seconds ago I was sweating. I turned my music on and decided to keep quiet for a bit.

I was suddenly interrupted by my thoughts - "What if they do find me, and i have to go the hospital ward again? What if i get so cold I can't fall asleep?" These thoughts kept me awake, and I just knew I won't be able to do this, just like last time.

"You know, we could walk back home. I won't hate you for it" he said.

"I don't want to go back! I want to stay here and die of hunger. I can't go back"

"Are you scared they will do something to you? If you keep quiet they'll have no reason to blame neither you nor me"

"They don't know about you, Alex."

"When will you tell them? I think you should. They will like me. I'm perfect, remember?"

"Alex.."

"Let's go, okay? I know you don't want to do this. You should live a little bit longer"

And so I set to go back home. I was confused, because he was the one who told me to run in the first place. I guess I will understand him.

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I got back home, and found a note in the door. It said "I will be back soon". Mom. She left to look for me already? Did she go to the police? I didn't have my keys with me, so all I could do was sit and wait for someone to come back home. While I waited, I took of my shoes. There were blisters all over my feet.

"Ugh, that's nasty CJ. I would have carried you, but you know, it's logically impossible"

"It's alright, it will heal sooner or later"

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Finally my older brother came. He wasn't happy.

"Gee, I just came back home, and problems already!" he looked at me angrily. I didn't say anything. I went to my room and coiled up on the ground. I can't do this. I can't.

"Here, talk to mom" I took the phone and spoke like I'm fine

"Why did you run away again?" her voice sounded steady.

"i didn't want to have my lessons" what a lie.

"Give me your brother" I handed the phone back to my brother. I waited while he finished talking, and then he said we will go to the police, so I should get ready.

I didn't want this, Not again. No. I knew I had to finish this all.

"Do it, CJ" said Alex.

"I know I know, I will, stop nagging"

I closed the door and opened the window. There was a tiny chance I might die if I fell from the 5th floor. I had to try. I had to. I stood on the edge and cried.

"Do it!" Alex shouted.

I. I.. I will do it. I will.

My brother grabbed me and hugged me. He hugged me hard. Like he actually loved me. I cried. I could't do it.

"It's okay. I lived through the same thing. It will pass. I care about you" my brother said. I only cried. I couldn't say anything. I wasn't sure whether I was happy he saved me, or angry. I didn't understand myself.

"It will be okay. Let's just go to those damn police a*****e and finish this. They won't do anything to you"

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They didn't really do anything, just as my brother said. My mom wasn't angry, just sad. I told them all I only wanted to run away from my lessons and they believed me. I kept seeing Alex everywhere, and he just wouldn't go away. I guess I'll just be like this until it all ends. And who knows when will I do this again, and maybe the next time I'll actually do it.