Releasing The Past

This is a personal experience that I have felt like I needed to get out for a long time now. It's basically a letter to someone who will never read it. An ex-almost lover. Thank you for reading :)

When I first met you, you had this sadness in your eyes that was much harder to bare than it should've been so soon. You were distant and had walls up in every direction. You were frail and were aged at least five years older than just twenty seven. Your stomach was forever empty because the depression had taken over your mind and body before you were even aware that it was happening. At the time I didn't know why and it worried me. That was just from observing on the first night. By the second, you had already taken down one of your walls and were communicating to me like we had known each other for so much longer than just twenty four hours. After only half an hour I understood all of the hurt, pain and sorrow you were feeling then. Well, I at least understood why you were feeling the way you were and the reasons behind it. It broke my heart. Even then, I knew you were someone who deserved none of what life had thrown at you of late. You never once felt sorry for yourself though, never. You were strong about it, but you made sure you weren't so strong that it made you ignore the issues. Just enough to not let yourself fall any further than you already had. 

That night you told me all about your family, growing up, where life had taken you, your job as an army man. You even told me about the three miracles you have been blessed with, and that is a big deal, for anyone in that situation. I fell in love with you instantly. There was, and still is, so much of you to love, it was near impossible to not love you in some way.    

I can still smell the scent of you in my hair if I focus hard enough. If I surround myself in a pillow fort in my large bed with far too much space for one person, all I have to do is close my eyes, take a deep breath in and I can still feel your body lying next to mine. My favourite pillow is now full of lumps and knots from all of those nights I cried myself to sleep and squeezed it tight, wishing it were you there instead. 
Your chest was covered in tiny, lumpy scars from your past, but your skin was still the softest thing I have ever felt. All flat, bar that little bit under your belly button, my favourite place to rest my hand. Your cheeks, also scarred and prickly from your five 'o clock shadow, perfectly moulded your perfect, imperfectly shaped jaw. Within such a short time, the ends of my fingertips could remember the exact outline of your pink, plump and slightly dry lips.

You took such good care of me in our shared time and company. Things you had no obligation to do, but refused to take no for an answer. Your stubborn mind and caring nature were a perfect combination, you were never too much. Nothing you ever did was half hearted and I could see that you pride yourself on that quality.   

I hate to live in the past, but you've made it so hard for me to forget. You've made it hard for me to even want to forget, even seven months on. Hiding ourselves away from the world in your bed was our favourite sanctuary. The way your your hands felt on my skin when you would glide your hands across my bare back, sent electricity down my delicate spine every single time. It never got old and I never got used to the feeling. You would make sure I was comfortable and warm first and foremost and then worry about yourself. That always made me feel guilty, but I never appreciated it any less. I know you would watch me sleep, I could feel your golden brown eyes on me whenever I secretly awoke, as I'm sure you felt my ocean blue eyes wash over you after midnight. The way we would stare into each others eyes, only the moonlight shining through your bedroom window allowing us to do so, was magical. There is no other way I can describe it, because that's exactly what it was. You'd rock me to sleep in your arms, with my cheek laying on your chest feeling your heartbeat thump to the rhythm of my own underneath, every single night. Hushing me soothingly back to my slumber every time I woke as you pulled me closer, kissed my forehead and wrapped your arms around me even tighter. No matter how warm it got from our bodies being so close.

In the short time we knew each other, we made some lovely memories. One of my favourites being the night you took me to my first look-out. You were so nervous about taking me, I could see it in your eyes and your body movements. You thought perhaps I only said yes to make you happy, but you were wrong. I hope you know that now. The drive up there was so incredibly calm and content with just the sound of the soft music playing in the back ground and our glances at each other every few minutes, like we were back in high school and it was our first ever relationship. After the the long walk the rest of the way to the top, you took my hand in front of all the eyes around us for the first time and you walked me right over to the edge, making sure we had the very best view we could find. I remember we turned our heads toward each other at the exact same time, soaked the view of each other up before we looked out over the city. Only alight with the street lamps, building and airport lights and everything in-between. You wrapped your hand around my waist and pulled me close as the wind gently blew my long brown hair over your chest and jacket. You looked at me with such love and sorrow in that moment. All of it just reminding us of what wouldn't be a forever thing.

You looked at me only once more after that. The last night I ever stayed with you. We had just finished a soft dance in the living room with the glitter lights buzzing around us. I'd moved to the kitchen, cooking for you for the first, and as it turns out, also the last time. You just sat at the breakfast bar watching me glide around the shiny tiles in your green and white socks. You watched me so intently for the whole 30 minutes it took and for the first time in my life, it didn't make me uncomfortable to have someone watching me so closely. I could feel the need in your eyes. The need for me. For the company, the affection, the need I had back for you, the love. I could also feel that you were slipping away from me....and slip away you did.

I know it was mostly out of fear. You told me every day that you were terrified of what was happening and how fast it was happening too. I always replied with, "I know you're scared. I'm just as scared as you are, we are just scared for different reasons. We can jump together when we're both ready. Don't worry, I won't let you jump alone", and then I would kiss you more passionately than the last time I had said it and you would kiss me back just as hard, if not harder. Our lips drawn together like a bee to honey. 

It was just like something out of a movie. Full of so much passion, excitement, trust, vulnerability, carelessness, love and in the end, sadness and pain.
It's the beautiful, mesmerizing romance that every true romantic craves. The whirlwind that is love. 

Unfortunately for us, it didn't end like it does in the movies and in the books. There was no perfect script for us, or an author pointing us in the direction that was never going to be easy, but which was right. It was that situation in which the timing was just too out of sorts for us to continue fighting. Life made it impossible for us to be together this time around, but who knows what life may have in store for you and I? We can hold onto that hope without guilt, can't we? It's the least life can allow us to have.

We were a power couple from the outside in and that time we had together can never be taken away from us. I know the decision you made was for the little people in your life who require your attention far more than I do, or ever did. I never told you this, but you did make the right decision, and I'm terribly sorry for making that decision harder for you. You deserve enough of everything. Enough happiness to keep all of those bad thoughts out, enough sadness to help you remember all of the good things in your life that you have, enough sorrow to keep you great-full and to remind you not to take life for granted and lastly, enough love and comfort so that you never feel alone. I wish you enough of all of that, and more.

I still miss you every day and think of you so much more often than even I can handle at times. I don't know if you ever do, but I hope at least once in a while you think of me and some of the time we shared together, because even though it doesn't feel like it a lot of the time, we were meant to share that experience together. Life through us together in a whirlwind and tore us apart just as quickly, but it all had to be for a reason. I believe for me, it was a learning curve. Something that I could experience and then grow from. For you, it could have been to show you how much you missed someone else. It could've been to show you the answers to the questions you had been asking for so long. It could've even been so that you could also experience something you hadn't before either. It could've been a number of reasons for you in all honesty, we both know that. 

Now, I don't know if you'll ever read this. In some ways, I hope you don't. In most ways though, I hope you do. Mainly yes and no because I wish I were making more than half of this up, but these are the memories you and I share and the only thing left that is ours and ours alone. It was far too good to imagine up at almost 3am. It's hard to say what miracles could happen in this day and age with all of the things that make the, what once was, impossible, possible. In any case, you'll know who you are if you ever do. Just remember this from the first time we ever laid together between your sheets, "I think I've fallen in love with your eyes". 

Goodbye for now dear, dear almost lover. Thank you for giving me such an incredible, magical experience that I'll never, ever forget for as long as I live and love. You were more than worth the heartache in the end x 

Author's Note

Excuse any poor grammar or spelling mistakes. It's almost 3 am where I am and I have just written this purely off the top of my head. Please, feel free to leave any comments, opinions, advice, or anything else. All is appreciated.

Reviews

[wordman]

it seems we all need to cry out from time to time hoping somehow they will find the letter and read it
never the less it feels better to release it,hoping
great vent