Chapter 1:The First Meeting

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this story are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

It’s almost midnight, Lisa ran as fast as she could. She felt her breath shortened but insisted herself to keep running. With only light coming  from the broken walls and windows, she reached the second floor through stairs. Although she can still run to the entrance of the building, she knows that someone will surely be waiting for her there. She entered the room beside the staircase and saw a cabinet in the left side of the room that is half of her height and a long table in the center. She slightly moved the cabinet to make a space, with a slender figure, she managed to squeeze herself on it. Holding the documents in her arms, she knew that her life was now in danger. Not so long when she heard a couple of footsteps outside the room. She bit her lips trying not to produce any sound. 

Outside the room, a group of men wearing a long-sleeved top with a high class jacket and a necktie, scattered around the second floor eager to capture the girl who had stolen something from them. One of the men approached the guy with a straight face, wearing a bluish jacket and a red sampaguita ring on its index finger.

“Sir Kier, our men are now searching the whole building.” it said with formality.

The Kier guy looked at the man who informed him and pointed the gun to its forehead. Without a blink, the blood scattered in the area where Kier is standing. The fear grew bigger to Lisa when she heard the loud bang outside the room.

“F*ck you miss whoever you are! I’m showing mercy here. Come out and we'll let you live!” he shouted and fired his gun once again.

“Oops.. Do not worry, my gun is friendly. It doesn’t shoot someone that obeys my order..” he paused for a minute and aimed his gun at one of his underlings.

“Right?” he continued and with another bang the man fell to the ground.

Lisa’s heartbeat starts to pound faster than before, the chills from nowhere crawl to her backbone to her head, even her sweats turn into cold ones. This might be her day. She silently prayed to God and cried in silence while putting her right hand to her mouth. It’s not a good time to recall her good memories but she just can’t stop thinking. She tightly holds the folder she's been holding for so long. 

She thought, “for the Mister who saved me and my brother, I’m willing to die,”

With a strong will on her mind, she calms herself and closes her eyes. Her legs feel numb but she does not dare to move even an inch. Suddenly, the door opens and she starts to feel nervous. Opening her eyes, she only met the darkness, but when she moved her eyes to the right, she clearly saw the light from the open door and the oxford shoes in front of the table which was blocking her and the cabinet. 

She held her breath and closed her eyes again, hoping for the man to leave. But the man kept searching the room, and he finally saw the girl. However, he turned his head and left the room. With the sound of the closed door, she let out a sight and moved a little to ease her pain.

The man who wears the same jacket as other men walked out from the door and approached Kier who looked displeased.

“There’s no one here, Sir Kier,” the man said with a sweet voice.

Kier felt shocked and looked at the man who just informed him. His frown face faded away and his heart is now full of excitement.

“Nandie, don’t exhaust yourself. Let others do the job, okay?”  Kier said and held the guy's face.

“B-but I want to help you” The Nandie guy said.

Hearing this kind of conversation, Lisa felt her stomach twisted. It seems like Kier is soft in front of Nandie. Just thinking that Kier, who is well-known for his job has this side makes her whole body shiver in disgust.

“No need..” Kier paused and kiss Nandie’s cheeks

“All of you!” he shouted.

“Find the girl” with an authority on his voice the group of men said ‘yes’ in unison. 

Lisa was relieved for a moment thinking that she just escaped death. She closed her eyes and laid back to the wall. Hoping for someone to help her, she fell asleep.

“Lisa!”

She opened her eyes but a bright light met her eyes. She blinked twice and found a man wearing a black long-sleeve  standing next to her.  

“Mr. Calixtro?”

She was delighted to see her master, she knew that she was now safe. She tried to stand up from lying down but her master stopped her.

“Must rest,” he said.

She was hesitant at first but still followed her master’s command. She lies down and makes herself comfortable.

“Tell  me about yesterday,” her master said without hesitation.

Commonly, people will ask if the person is okay after falling asleep for days but Mr. Calixtro is born with a straight tongue, he doesn’t like beating around the bush. 

“I came to buy grocery supplies but..” She stop and cough

“But?” an impatient tone covers Mr. Calixtro words.

“But at the market I met Mary from the Restless cabin, she gave me a clue about the land that the Sampaguita  would buy. At first I didn't care because it doesn’t concern our group. However Mary told me that sampaguita are planning to strengthen their force and want the phoenix hive to-- .”

“To die?”

“Yes,” she answered

Her master can’t stop himself but to laugh. 

“Lisa, you served me for ten years and you think that phoenix hive could die easily? “

“But we all know that Sampaguita want--”

“No, no. Lisa listen to me. Sampaguita is nothing but a gang. Gregorio is nothing but a stupid-motherf*cking assh*le. He’s older than my grandparents, he can’t touch me nor my phoenix hive. Aside from that, Phoenix hive are way more powerful than Sampaguita. If they dare to wage a war against us, you think they’ll win?.”

Lisa felt disappointed in herself. Yes, she served the phoenix hive for years yet she dared to take the bait without his master’s knowledge. She was now a useless knife of her master that can’t even be used. 

“But you did a great job to get the wrong folder”

Lisa was shocked and looked at her master. Mr.Calixtro just gave her a smile.

“What do you mean, Mr. Calixtro?”

“You are trying to get the land deed, are you?” Mr. Calixtro asks.

She nod and said, “Yes”

“Sadly, you picked the wrong folder. Instead of a land deed, you picked the most important file for Gregorio” Mr.Calixtro said and laughed.

Even though Lisa is a bit confused, she still smiles at her master.

“Kier saw your face and he would never let you live.” Mr. Calixtro said

Lisa's face turns pale when she hears Kier’s name. He was the one who chased after her yesterday. She never saw Kier do his things but she heard a lot about him.

“You know Kier, lisa. He doesn't like someone who committed a crime in front of him, running and disappear. He will surely hunt you.” Mr. Calixtro said.

Kier is known for his ruthless and disgusting  killing. Digging his victims eyes is one of its favorite things.The last time he killed the whistleblower of one of his clients. He even separated its penis and balls.

“You need to hide, Lisa. I can’t lose my favorite servant.” 

Mr. Calixtro throws an envelope to Lisa. When she opened it, she found a check worth a million and a ticket to cebu.

“I can’t hide you at my rest house in batan-”

“Ate (* Sister in tagalog*)”

Before Mr.Calixtro finished his words, a young man entered the scene and walked straight to Lisa.He hugged her with tears falling down on his cheeks.

“What happened? Who hurt you?” it asked.

“Oh come on Fernand, I just fainted out of fatigue” She said and touched his brother's head.

Fernand? . A crazy idea struck Mr. Calixtro’s mind. Looking at the boy, it has a muscular  yet an innocent face. I like him.

“Fatigue? Does your boss exhaust you? How dare him,” Fernand burst in anger

“Excuse me, I never exhaust my servant,” Mr.Calixtro said.

Fernand turns around and looks at the tall man wearing an americana.

 Clean and fixed hair, a moreno skin and matured looking man. He’s definitely my sister’s boss. Fenand thought 

“If not, then why is my sister here at the hospital?”

“Ask your sister,”

“Mr. Calixtro, please excuse my brother's manners” Lisa said and pinched her brother's arm, which made fernand pout and complained in silence.

“It’s okay,” Mr. Calixtro said. “I’ll leave for a moment” he continued and looked at Fernand before leaving the room.

“Is he your boss, Ate?” Fernand asked.

“Yup, and  think you offend him”

“I did not,”

“Yes you did.”

“I was just saying the truth,”

“How do you know that it is the truth?”

Fernand pouts and sighed. 

“Fernand, opinions and truth are different. You think that the boss is exhausting me, so why i’m here?” lisa said

“To compensate for the damage?”

“No, to help me, idiot,” Lisa laughed.

Even though Fernand still has doubts with his sister’s boss, he sets aside that problem and comforts her sister. Not so long when Mr. Calixtro came back. Lisa ordered his brother to buy them food. After Fernand left Mr. Calixtro and Lisa got back to their business.

“Go to Cebu for months and hide. But don’t settle in Cebu, change your location every month or days or whatsoever. Just don't let them catch you,” Mr Calixtro advised.

Lisa nodded but she looked hesitant.

Mr. Calixtro look at her and said, “I need your brother to replace your place” 

“But, sir,”

“You can’t drag your brother to Cebu, you can’t even protect yourself”

Everything is true. Even though she knew how to fight and hold a gun, she still couldn't still protect no one.  He looked at Mr. Calixtro and thought, this man is a powerful man. He can protect anyone. Including Fernand.

“Thank you sir, I put my brothers life on your hands” She said 

When Fernand got back with three rice meals, Mr. Calixtro had already left.

“Where’s your boss?” Fernand ask

“He left already.”

He didn’t ask for more information and prepared their food.

“Ate, Eat more” he said and gave his chicken to his sister.

“Enough fernand, my stomach will burst if you keep giving me your food”

“But you need your strength back”

Lisa felt warm inside, who knew that her little brother grew up so fast. Their parents died when Fernand turned 5 years old, She stopped from studies and work to give Fernand needs.They stayed with her aunties household but they still needed to pay for the rent. Luckily when she turned 18, he met Mr. Calixtro and worked with him. She bought a condo unit when she turned 23 and left her aunties custody. She never had anyone beside his brother, that’s why she treasure him with all her heart. But with the situation she’s in right now, it’s best for her to give her brother to the one who can protect both of them.

Lisa smiled and said,” Fernand, Sister loves you”

Fernand felt electricity thru his veins, he shake it off and said,”What the H, ate”

After they finished eating, Fernand lay down on the couch and closed his eyes. When Lisa is sure that his brother was sleeping, she grabs a pen and writes a message to him. She put her letter to the bed and picked the envelope that Mr.Calixtro gave.For the last time, she looked at her brother and whispered the words, “Take care”. And left without anything

.

Author's Note

Please do ignore my grammar and leave a comment for imrovement. {29/09/21 edited}

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, you did ask for comment, so:

• ... who always end up not finishing my novel

The answer to why is the key to the problem. And if it helps, it's also the single most common reason why submissions to agents and publishers are rejected. And, the fault isn’t one of talent, it’s a misunderstanding we all share. We think we learned to write in school. But:

How much time did your teachers spend on how to write a report, as against the elements of writing fiction? How many stories were you assigned, compared to reports and essays? Damn few, right?

The thing they don’t tell us is that we’re not being taught the tricks of any profession in our public education days, we’re being given a set of basic skills that our future employers will find useful. In the case of writing, what do employers mostly need from us? Reports, papers, and letters. And that’s it. professions—and writing is a profession—are acquired IN ADDITION to those basic skills. So naturally, not knowing that, when we turn to writing a story we have not a clue of how to do it.

Reports are meant to inform. They provide an informational experience. So a narrator, who can’t be seen, and whose “voice” contains only the emotion that punctuation suggests, reports and explains events. We’re not one the scene, living the story as the protagonist, we’re reading a synopsis of those events, second hand.

But it works for the author because as you read your own words, you “hear” them in your own voice, filled with the emotion you, alone, know to put there. And as you read, the image you thought up for the story will automatically appear in your mind. But look at the opening as a reader must:

• “Get that girl” The man shouted

“That girl?” “The man.” Where are we in time and space? Dunno. What’s going on? You know but the reader doesn’t. Who are these people? Not a clue, "Girl" might be any age up to adult, so what age should a reader assign as they read? And “get that girl” could mean catch her, stop her, or the man could be calling to someone to call and tell her to come. You know what you mean, but the reader doesn’t, and can't. And since there is no second first-impression, here is where you lose the reader.

• Lisa ran as fast as she could,

Lisa? Who in the pluperfect hell is Lisa? You know, but…

Think about it. She could be, short or tall, fat or thin, in shape or not, young or old. So how fast is “a fast as she could?” Again, you know, but the reader has no context, so the words mean nothing as-they’re-read. And if the words are meaningless, why read on?

So how does that make you end up not finishing the novel? Because while the story works for you as you write it, come back a week later and you’ll see it more as a reader, and all the details you were automatically filling in will have faded, and you see it more as a reader will. And because of the missing detail, you wonder why you ever thought it was exciting, and lost interest.

Here's the deal. Story isn't a record of what happens. That's history. Fiction? As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And no way in hell can your school-day writing skills do that.

The fix? Learn the skills the pros take for granted, because nothing else does it. If you use the writing skills we’re given in school it will read like a report. It HAS to, because the the goal of fiction is to provide an emotional experience, and make the reader feel he or she is living the story as it happenss. And how much time did your teachers spend on how to do that? None, right?

The library’s fiction-writing section is a really great resource.

Not good news, I know, but I thought you’d want to know.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Cg_Dreams]

thank you for the review sir, it really helps me a lot. I tried to do your advice and I hope you could read this edited one.

[JayG]

Yes, you’re trying to place the narrator's words more in her viewpoint. But have you acquired any of the tools of the fiction-writer yet? No. So, of necessity, you’re trying to write in a different way, with-the-same-tools, and methodology. So because of that, it's still in the viewpoint of the narrator.

But it’s the tools and techniques you're using that were, and are, preventing you from hitting the mark. They work great for reports and essays, but not at all for fiction. At the moment, you, the narrator, are telling the reader ABOUT her, always in overview. But her life takes place in real-time, so she’s not with you—which means we are, when we want t be with her. That means the best you can do is, in effect, say: “So…did you hear about Lisa? No? Well...it was midnight, and…

Bu that’s not a story, as fiction readers view one, it’s a report on Lisa, presented by someone whose voice we can't hear, and whose performance we can't see.

At the moment, true to your training, you’re TELLING the reader a story. You’re trying to make it more immediate by telling them what she’s doing, as if the narrator is on the scene, watching, commenting, and explaining, as it happens. But your reader wants to know how SHE views the action, including her perceptions, observations, and the decisions that generate her behavior.

In other words, they you to SHOW them her life through her perceptions. That's what's meant by the often repeated writing advice: Show don't tell.

Your first paragraph is a series of declarative sentences about her, and what she once did, presented as you would a report. Look at the first three lines:

Fact #1: It’s almost midnight, Lisa ran as fast as she could.

First, this is two separate sentences, spliced with a comma. And in almost all cases, writers should avoid using a comma to connect two independent clauses. Editors will notice, and not react well.

Next: “It’s” is present tense. “Ran” and “could” is past tense. Pick a tense and stick with it.

Fact #2: She felt her breath shortened but insisted herself to keep running.

Naa. Her breath might have shortened, but she didn’t “notice” it. She didn’t think, “Golly, my breath seems to be becoming short. I wonder why?” She knows the why of it as we all know. And she makes no react to that knowledge. Nor does stop her. So it's detail, not story.

Fact #3: With only light coming from the broken walls and windows, she reached the second floor through stairs.

Why does the reader care where the light came from? She gt to the second floor, so there must have been enough, And since we don't know where we are, when you say she reached the second floor, won't people assume she used the stairs?

And as something to think about, only you know if she was coming down or going up.

And: the second floor? Of what? Where in the hell are we? You know. She knows. Everyone in the story knows. Shouldn't the one you wrote it for know?

And why are we here? Why are we running? What’s our objective? If the reader doesn’t know that, there are two results. 1. We have not a clue of what you’re talking about. 2. We have no reason to care. And who reads on when we stop caring?

Here’s an article you absolutely should read. It’s a condensation of one of the many techniques you need to know: http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php.

The address of an archive site where you can read or download the book the article was condensed from, free, is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

It’s not an easy book, but it is the best I’ve found, and it is free. You might want to dig up a copy of Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. Deb was one of the students of the man who write the book I linked to, and her book is a very good book on the basic issues,

Read either book. You’ll be glad you did.

Well...you did ask…