Introduction

“History is written by the victors.”

 

That one sentence, the one quote, it stuck in my head. I don’t know why- maybe it was telling me something. Weird things like that happened to me- a bit too often for my liking, actually. But to be honest, it’s just another weird thing about me.

 

‘Me’ is Damian. No last name- not one that’s important anyways. I’m what most would probably consider a teenaged nightmare, although it’s just because I don’t stick to the status quo. I’m an outcast, and proud of it. Its part of who I am, what I am. I’m that one kid who has nothing to do but practice throwing knives at a log. I’m the one kid who will be doing graffiti in broad daylight. I’m the one kid who has almost no friends, and is happy with it.

 

The year is 2015- at least, it was on earth. I don’t know how long it’s been on here. Nobody has a name for this war-torn planet. Although when I say war-torn… well, I guess that’s subjective. The lives we left behind weren’t much better- America was at war, too. Took over everything it could, saying there were six hundred million of us against about two hundred Mexicans and Canadians combined. By the end of 2014, North America was the United States of North America. That one president- I think his name was McTavish- panicked when he was elected and focused on expansion.

 

Of course, when we ran outta land here, we went for the rest of the world. That’s when s**t really hit the fan.

 

It was generally accepted that this was a pointless war. People died every day, my father being one of them. Sixteen and I got drafted to replace him. In a month’s time, I’d be flown out to Europe, probably Germany . But when you’re at war, people get cruel- and suddenly, civilians get killed all around you. It was around seven, seven-thirty where I was put up, just relaxing with my friends; Brianna, Paige, and Mike.

 

It goes like this when it comes to my friends- Brianna is the hot best friend who I’d ask out if she didn’t already have a boyfriend. From what I know, she’s amazing with a bow. Paige is less hot, but incredibly ballsy. A joke went around school that she once challenged Neil Armstrong to a testicles contest- and won by three. She found the guy who started the rumor and shoved a broomstick up his-… Nevermind that. The last of us is Mike, who is almost literally a human computer. Knows French, English, Arabic, Japanese, Chinese, and something else. He’s memorized pi out to… damn, I think it was seven hundred numbers. Then he fell asleep. I won’t pretend that wasn’t awkward.

 

We all lived in North Port , Florida- little town, not much to it. It’s your normal suburbia with a bit of the ‘hard’ kids scattered about. You know, those wannabe rappers who try to be tough, but back down if they’re not in their little clique. Unfortunately, we’d turned into perhaps the top military city in the southeastern States- so we were one of the prime targets.

 

Britain and Germany had worked together for a while and had created a nuke more powerful than anything we’d ever have. It didn’t employ shock waves to destroy; it used sheer energy irradiation to kill the populace slowly. But when they slipped one into our town, it malfunctioned, exploding and killing people for about a mile around. My group and I were the first to check things out, and it had been more than a blast to us- it opened up a portal of energy.

 

Of course, I had to touch it. It didn’t suck me through like I thought it would- it was almost thick water. It felt like it rippled outward as I touched it, the luminescent waves spreading out.

 

I could hear screaming, yelling around me, but there was nobody there, save for my friends, and they were all watching quietly. A quick glance around confirmed that, so I focused on the portal some more- I could see a crowd of people on the far side, almost like ghosts, but more solid. So I did what any stupid teenager would do- I gathered my breath, drew my knife, and stepped through.

 

I came out on another side. It looked like an ancient village, people and their attire to match. Except… was that an elf? Pointed ears, incredibly hot… probably was. There were a few dwarves from what I could see, and even a gnome or two.

 

As my friends slipped through the portal behind me, I realized something major. Two moons is not normal. Nor is the fact it was eight when we left our world, but was around ten in the morning on this side.

 

We were on another planet.

Reviews

[Arutha]

Christoph turned me on to this (I think because he knew I'd be reading it wondering why he recommended it, right up until I hit the jump into fantasy at the end. You guys got me, I definitely did not see it coming! ;-P). Absolutely love the idea, love it! I've always wanted to try something that pulled together reality and fantasy like this, but never had the slightest clue how to go about it. It's "ballsy," was the word you used, I believe, and I'm intrigued to say the least.

I will say, I would have liked more on the fantasy world at the bottom. I'm not saying we actually have to "go there" with Damian in the intro, but it felt like he just fell into a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit where the balls where elves, dwarves, and gnomes. That's really the only thing that I wasn't totally sold on; the rest of the story is great! Here are a few nit-picks I found along the way:

"I’m the one kid who has almost no friends, and is happy with it." The "graffiti in broad daylight" thing totally works for me, but being cool with just having a few friends really isn't that rare. Maybe just adjust the context so that it doesn't come across like Damian's the only guy in the universe who's happy with just having a couple, close friends.

"I don’t know how long it’s been on here." You don't need the word "on" there. Maybe you meant "out here?"

I like Paige's intro; that's pretty funny stuff.

"...with a bit of the ‘hard’ kids scattered about." I would say a "...[few] of the 'hard' kids scattered [here and there]." A "bit" makes it sound like you've ground some kids up into fairy dust and sprinkled a bit here and there. ;-P

I love the bit about the wangsters, lol. I'm from Texas, and trust me, they're everywhere. I get a kick out of it, but sometimes it just drives me bonkers!

[Silent Wolf]

All I can say is that I shall be reading more, for I am speechless lol. :3

[TL Boehm]

wow. Ok, you have the hook set. I am intrigued. Nice voice in this opening chapter - nice style to the words and a compelling theme. Well done.

[Clk12565]

Very interesting read. My first review actually so keep that in mind. I liked the pacing and how it drew me in with each new piece of information. I'm not into other worldly so there is something to be said for keeping my interest in as much as I am looking forward to what is next. Nice work.

[MandaBear]

It is a really good start. I like the story and the direction it's going in. I am not much for fantasy writings but you have really made it interesting. I cant wait to read more of this and see where it is going. I just have one question though. When you mentioned the joke about Paige being "ballsy" (by the way was very funny) Did you mean to put Lance Armstrong instead of Neil Armstrong? I was just curious not to be picky or mean or anything but I thought Lance was the one with the one ball? Unless Neil lost one too and that wasn't in the news? Maybe I missed that?? Lol that is my only thing other than that the story is awesome and I intend to read more =)

[Pryde Foltz]

I am intrigued by the cast of characters and you have wit, But.... and it is big but, tee her, you tell me everything and show me nothing. Example...the whole thing with the nuke. That would be an exciting scene instead I hear about it through exposition. There's you beginning. Write that scene and then you probably won't have to tell me anything.

And a big ole Yes. Your prose flows. I didn't have to think about it and could read for story. That's a big thing.

Hoped this helped and if not, I tried. :)

[Writer #00]

Great job! I love the way Damian narrates (and clever way to introduce his name--I always run into the awkward problem of how to establish gender, name, and appearance for the narrator in a first-person story...) it's humorous, casual, and captivating. It's probably because of his tone that the reader can get over the fact that he had almost no reaction to crossing onto another planet in a single step--all a part of his character, right? I can't say I saw many if any errors...I think there might have been a comma or two missing in the beginning...oh, nope they're there. SO, great job, great job, great job. Interesting concept and lovely, concise synopsis of what their world is like and how their adventure begins.

[Joshua Hunter]

Wow, this has got me seriously captivated. This is unlike anything else I have ever read and I like the character and the humor in it. This is definitely going to be a story I will want to follow! Good Job!

[Christoph Poe]

I think it's the attitude of the character that plays so well into the writing style that rawly has me captivated. This is humorous, and far from cliche. It's a world I know very little about or ever heard. A complete original, and I thank you for being original. It's so damn difficult to be original now-of-days. All I see are Zombies and Werewolves and Vampires and Zombie-Vampires and Zombie-werewolf-vampires.

This is publishing material, and I hope you get the attention you deserve.

I typically have more to add, like suggestions on improvement and such. But I think you're there already.

Again, well done.

--Christoph Poe