A Million Times/The Aftermath

A Poem by Cae

Before and After.

March 15, 2017

i'm losing track of time
that's how you know it's getting bad
is it Wednesday... wait it's Friday
is it morning? is it night?
I can't see the sun or any source of light anymore
So I don't know, please tell me
Is it ever going to be better?
Or will I always be resisting the urge to make
streaks of blood on the shower floor and watch
the water wash it away as if it was washing away my problems
I thought I found homes, but they were only stranger's bedrooms
Painted like happiness
Home was only an illusion at the bottom of a water bottle filled with vodka
I wish I could kill time
But, the only thing I'll ever kill is my dreams to get clean
A million times
Sometimes I want to be seen
But, it makes more sense to hide away in the darkness of this closet floor
Where you won't ever find me
Or the things I feel
Or the people I love
Because you'll never think I'm okay
Even if my mind gets better someday
You'll never think I'm okay
Even if a day comes where I don't want to die the second my eyes open
to the moment they close and even sometimes in my dreams
And even if the day comes when I don't feel like I'm ripping at the seams
Every hour, every minute, every second
You'll never think I'm okay
You'll always want this part of me to go away
But, you can't cut it out of my body
I've tried
And tried
And tried
A million times
And I'm done trying
Because it's not a problem
It's only a problem to you because you're filled with hatred
I've heard you state it
A million times
I'm not okay to you, and that's okay