The Thoughts I Lie Behind

You know writing isn’t an easy thing to do. You think and think and overthink everything ten times over. The point of writing is so that you have something to do. Get yours ideas out and all you do is think them over a million times perfecting every detail. So why do people write to get their feelings out. You sit there and become devoted to the brilliant being you just made. You laugh when you gave them characteristics of yourself just to make everything a bit more real. You read your problems over and over reliving them every time. You share it with people if you have the confidence to do so. That’s I guess where it pays off for some but a lot don’t, instead they keep it to themselves and cant ever feel free of it. You have a physical representation of your pain that everyone, universally, can understand what you are going through or have gone through. Once you spent the time to put into words instead of sitting there trying to say something, anything. And you sit on it thinking you got it out. Yes physically. But that doesn’t help you at all. Embrace it. Allow criticism. Allow heartbreak and sorrows. Do Not expect the worst out of life though. If you had someone who could read all of your pain, someone who possibly has the same problems and can help or offer some advice that’s worth the criticism. Or to a lover. The worst they can say is no and that means not necessarily that it isn’t meant to be but that it wasn’t meant to be at that time. Don’t gloat. Express yourself! Lash out get your feelings out and then express it. Art, Literature, Graffiti, Fire, Dance, Song, Instruments, Cars, Building Anything!!! Life is about expressing yourself and leaving your mark on this world even for a short time it made a difference to someone and that’s all you need to do in your lifetime. As long as you can change one person for the better you have accomplished all you need to in life. But it has repercussions too. If you change someone for the worse it subtracts one good so think about that for a second how many people have you wronged instead of righted? So now you have no idea right? You hope you righted more than wronged but how do you know? You don’t even know how many people lives you don’t know you changed. Just the way you look and dress could have inspired someone and you would never know. So that’s where it gets ya. Now you have to do good on people on purpose until there’s no doubt in your mind that you have greatly over ceded the ones you’ve wronged. Just some random theory cuz I have no idea what to write.

If it hadn’t rained since you were born you would never have known that there was such a thing as rain. You are inexperienced on the matter. So one day it rains and you are appalled. You’ve never seen this before. You can have two reactions. It can either be good and you like the rain or its bad and you don’t like the rain. Two choices. You can’t tell by looking at a person whether they like the rain. It’s completely up to that person’s own liking and to stay in their mind safe from you. No one remembers the first time they saw rain or maybe even played in it but you know if you like it or not. You had to try at some point. Some of you are wondering and trying to be that a*****e and find a loophole. Well if it rained before you were born your parents would tell you about it. Same thing goes though. You know what it is you’ve learned about it but people don’t say stay away from the rain they say I like the rain or I hate the rain. You don’t learn anything from someone telling you what they think. No matter what you have to try it on your own. You have to see for yourself whether you like it or not. Then you immediately make an ultimate choice on the matter. Because it is something that won’t change. You feel comfortable judging things that don’t change and make better choices in doing so because you know this is it. This is rain I have experienced it and i……that is what people need to do with everything. What if you made an immediate choice the moment after you truly met and had a conversation with someone whether you liked them or not and kept that choice for the rest of your life. You make infinitely measurable choices in account to time and never change them whether its kind of s****y or kind of nice that day you still stay in the same viewpoint because of that first decision you ever made. Most people have the same favorite color forever. Most people have the same perspective on life. They have the same voice or perspective on a lot of things but they are hardly said because they are facts of life that never changes. No one ever fights you if they like rain and you don’t. They just accept it. Another point. What cant things just be facts. And you accept them. There’s a movie called the invention of lying and it is a grand idea of this essentially a man goes about his merry way with a s**t life and he comes to the bank one day and the system closes down so the secretary just asks him how much he wanted even with no records because no one had ever invented the theory of lying yet everyone told the truth. So it also grasps a bit of a rebuttal against religion because he ends up having great stories that of course everyone believes because they don’t think anyone can lie they don’t even know its called lying but anyways he creates the idea of god for all of these people and then tries to explain that he lied to them. Everyone’s life would be so much better if everything was fact not up for decision all the time. You still have choices of your own obviously but if no one lied and everything told to you was fact in the form of being true obviously and accepted without argument.

That’s more of a concept than anything. An “I Hate The World and I’m feeling”, narcissistic kind of writing. But honestly why not? I try to be as honest as I can but people can’t take things and that is what makes me lie. Not that I need to keep my secrets I lie when I have to for other people. Which is wrong and against what you are naturally raised to do. Sorry I’m done.

         Anyways. Sex. That’s what I need to write about. In my experience and not to be cliché sex is VERY much a primal instinct and I firmly believe it has certain healing powers and I highly recommend it as a stress reliever or emotional aid because it is false. It is as fantasy as anything and we sit here and call it love, what a******s. I don’t have a huge dick. I have no idea what I’m doing when I have sex. Yeah I’ve done it plenty of times but you never get real feedback its always great whether you try to make it that way or I’ve even come to the point of wondering and being so curious that I was purposefully bad and still was told it was great. I had my girlfriend teach me how to finger her the first time I fingered a girl. I was just going at it for a long a*s time just pretty much f*****g her with my hand and I didn’t touch her c**t, I didn’t have any sort of recollection that that even existed. It’s a whole different ball game watching porn since I was 6 to me being 16 in front of a woman. I wasn’t thinking oh s**t what do they do in porn I was thinking oh s**t I hope I’m doing this right. But no it was all still good. I don’t get up and talk to people on stage I can’t even tell all my actors at once when I am their voice of all things right and wrong and tell them what to do without looking at the only gap in their heads or at the ground or my voice wavering. I’m not the guy to get up and say what needs to be said I’m the guy who occasionally throws out something funny and acts like a normal narcissist who has so much feeling and am smarter than anyone who dares challenge me. I feel I have nothing else if I’m not right. And I know when I have no clue what I’m talking about and I know when I have a relative clue what I’m talking about and try to convey that without sounding like an idiot. My main plan in life is to find the love of my life nothing else matters to me and that’s a very juvenile thought at the same time as a very mature thought. I just think I don’t care where I’m at or what I’m doing as long as I have her or him for that matter. I don’t go through women and use them I go through women learning and learning about them and once I find something I find inexcusable I get rid of them which if I find anything smaller like in the terms of inexcusable things within the first week they are gone. After that I learn to ignore it until they stack up or until I become too attached and I always thought I left so many girls to save them. That was my noble way of saying that I didn’t want to hurt them because I’m not good enough for them but I have to feel better than anyone around me so no its truly that I feel I am better than them in some way shape or form. Whether I regret it or not that is how I think and feel. I find the most fucked up people and try to save them though. So either I save them and we live happily ever after or I realize I’m not enough to help them and give it to them straight hoping they fix themselves and leave them because I’m too afraid to get that involved. I’m too afraid of what’s going to happen next. What will I have to do if this goes any further? I’m not better than them I just think I am because I no longer have an excuse to drown all my thoughts into another person they have to go back towards myself now. I have to deal with myself because you need to deal with yourself. That’s my problem. Yes I think about me a lot. Yes lately everything was kind of about me but I just got my freedom back I just wanted to be free for a minute and now I kind of am. I need to go for a walk tomorrow. Duly noted. I don’t think this garage band thing is going to go over well. I need theater. I need gender confusion and the annoying gay guys and the true narcissist and the drama and commotion and running and rushing and excitement and loneliness and success and failure and opportunity. I need to live that life and appreciate it. I need drugs and sex and mindlessness all in the sake of life. In the sake of becoming who you are not in belief that you have another life and in believing you are not you even for an instant. I want that to be real. I need more creativity serum. To drown out all my woes of the ‘real world’ that’s another thing I could spend days with actors and actresses and student and all things backstage to make something so false its real. Because essentially that is acting and stage performance. In a movie I mean a lot is fake but you have a real house and a real landscape most of the time. You have some walls, paint, and whatever props you’re given. It’s another life lesson to live with what you’ve got. You have to make those costumes, stage, and props your characters. You have everything you need to become a new man down to words motions and clothing. Make that yours. Own that person and make your life hell to get there. Ok time to cool off and get back to the falsities of sex

         SEX:

                  Sex has no right and wrong sex is sex. Rape is obviously a different story. But sex, pure full sex, is complete imperfection. You see things you’ve never seen or would have really. The stretch marks or the funny birthmark in the wrong place or the hair or maybe they just sag a little that’s why it’s so important though. You never know a person until you’ve had sex with them. If something about them happens to rub you the wrong way that could be it. I personally see past that I see sex in a completely different light I see it as a way to enjoy that pretty much. To be thankful that someone has given you that opportunity to see them fully and completely. No matter what you look like. Race, gender, weight, or reputation for that matter. I see it as a lovely gift and an opportunity because as I earlier stated I also see it as a need and a way to express. And that expression trumps a lot of boundaries. Like if someone wrote you a poem that every line sank straight into your heart that would break a lot of boundaries because you would probably remember that forever. Sex is that way when it’s used that way. I admit I used to not respect it. I really did and I can’t remember always whom I’ve been with but once I learned how I truly interpret it. I remember each and every detail. I listen and remember everything about them I remember it all as if I know that person oh so well. I try to be everything they need and forget about what I need. I don’t get bored of them. I get too stressed from being a different person. So the ones who don’t last means they are way to different than me. What they want is way too different than me and the ones who do last want something that is similar to me. And the ones that stick around but only in your head are the ones that want something so close to you but there has to be a common factor that makes me not perfect for those ones.

 

Narcissism        Drugs        Instability

No future          Bum          Smart

Past relationships     Fear          Unknown

 

Plan: go to college and major in theatrical arts. Do whatever you end up doing and please try acting and singing. Move to New York with Derek. Transfer to NYU. Anyways once you have the stories and good times write about it and make art. Laugh love live sex drugs alcohol party party party get into awkward situations and embrace it. Make yourself a new man and show it to the world. Then write about it. Write poems, stories, novels, biographies, tell-alls, fiction, non-fiction, musicals, plays everything. Make a painting for every character you make or play. Just when you need to think more like them paint like they would. And if you really still want to. Get a PhD and teach high school and maybe a little college. Depends on if I like a professor in college.

          Something new is a chance. Something new is exciting it has no boundaries. You can do anything you want with something new and you want to do everything with it. What if it’s old though?  You only sometimes do anything you want when it’s old and not so much if you really care about it. Same as life and people. If you find someone new in life you find a chance and you want to do everything with them. Every ambition you’ve every had for yourself you want out of them. And you want nothing to stop you. You can find the perfect person but they aren’t you. They have other ambitions too. Or maybe they don’t want to do what you want. That’s when it becomes old and you decide if you want to leave it in the closet for later. Leave it in the closet forever. Leave it in the closet till you need it. Leave it in the closet until it needs you. Leave it in the closet until next weekend or never put it in the closet at all because you use it every day or damn close to. That sums up every relationship I’ve ever had in life. Re-read those as if I was talking about a relationship. Bit repetitive but adds some value to be recognized. I’d like to talk about new things in particular. New things are fantasy versus reality. Because whether you do everything with it or not it’s going to break but you’ve never had it before because it’s new which is another point. You can get new things that you’ve already had. So I guess there’s another one. You leave it in the closet until it falls out and keep it out until it falls in. Anyways, no matter what it is you love new things. Everyone does. You don’t get things or meet people because you’re never going to see or meet them. You meet people because you have to see and meet them for some way or another that’s going to impact your life. If you don’t count on seeing someone new that is a gift. Its still new and exciting but you have to acknowledge that you got the opportunity to meet this person. Otherwise normally your paths would not have crossed. It was meant for that moment for you to meet whether it ends good or bad that is something to be respected.

For every step there is an echo that and every breathe there is a release. I have a funny way to view medication. I believe everything has to get worse before it gets better. Maybe one of the things that has kept me alive this long, along with the meaning of that terrible poem story. So I take medicine expecting it to get worse when all it does is make things better but when I was about six I came up with this theory and never wanted medicine because I would get terrible migraines and thought I couldn’t get through it getting worse before it got better. But what is that worth? If you can’t survive the worst then you will be the same person thinking these thoughts again and again because nothing will have changed for you. If you haven’t seen the world as a shithole that cant be fixed and then watched it all get unimaginably worse under your own two feet then you have no soul or experiences to be worth noting. I’m not saying you aren’t happy. Write all day about flowers and sunshine and make it a Shakespearean sonnet to impress your friends because you did something useful when you were bored for once. But you can’t appreciate any feeling once you have lived that. You can barely even tell me you know what feeling is. Once you are forced beyond every hope and struggle and plea to sit and think about your life and what an emotion is really composed of, the thought, the chemistry, the surroundings, and the unconscious mind at work. Once you have truly accepted and understood those things around each and every feeling you have felt then you cannot live. That is when you realize what other people benefit or what harm comes from everything you do from the moment you meet someone. It’s also a curse but a curse must reap some reward. Some knowledge. That curse is to know why you’re doing what you’re doing and what the girl in front of you is doing. On a whole new level than meets the eye. When you can see someone across the room and tell them their life’s story not whether they want to hook up that night or not. That is intimate. That is knowing and allowing nature to change and control you. Because being in control is overrated. I want to be a main aspect. Who doesn’t? But I don’t want the show or the final say. If I were to make a final say on something its going to hurt someone and every time sure as s**t you see them and you understand their pain because you’ve had it. Just in making the choice but they cant see that. They just see their pain, which is now all you can see.

I will never love someone who…

 

Cheats.

Not that you can’t express yourself but unless formerly talked about I would like to know still. To me you’re still a free bird.

 

Lies.

If you would lie to me about who ate the last of the ice cream you’ll lie to me about anything. Not that you can’t distract from some personal matters. That is your choice. I choose to lie about nothing. I may not always tell the story to the tee depending on the person listening but there is no room to call that a lie.

 

Can’t predict me.

This is more of not knowing me but how can someone know you if you don’t know yourself so I changed it to predict. I am consistent on many things while being totally all around the place on others. You need to coexist with me in some way it cant all be from my end. I adapt to give people what they want. I can immediately coexist with people as soon as I meet them. That’s why its easy to talk with me. It feels like you’ve known me longer than you have because I can pick up on you so quickly and expect things instead of wait for them. Ill have my answer before you finish the question because that’s what I subconsciously do.

 

Value and compromise.

If you see value in money then you are wrong. If you cant compromise because you still aren’t getting exactly what you want then you are wrong. Value and compromise are beauties of nature. So everyone gets part of what they want but not all of it because that’s the way you learn to appreciate what you have. That creates value in simple things and life’s way of patting you on the back and trying to teach you.

Doesn’t enjoy a good fight.

If you don’t want to fight and be aggressive and tell me what you really feel then why try at all its not going to change with subtle hints just tell me what you really feel. If we disagree fight me. Not physically. Verbally and occasionally emotionally. They are all beautiful cleansings. They let you get everything out and feel better about yourself and your relationship. Yes it comes with thought but I think it deserves to be celebrated before that. You made it through the fight. That is the best part. After I fight you I want us to look at each other smiling because we know we feel better. It’s ok. It’s not a bad thing to fight. It is a bad thing to fight often because you start to expect it, which makes it happen.

Won’t try new things or face their fears

If you don’t try new things no matter how strange how will you understand anyone? You will only know your world. Never understand anyone else’s. And if you don’t face your fears again you don’t know how to live. That’s your goal that life gives you. Fears. You should aim to conquer all of your fears by the time you die. Besides who wants to live their life in fear? I’m not saying you have to do it with a smiling face.

What I fret is what I need for need is to sustain this me.

That s**t came out of nowhere. F****n 7 in the morning, sitting at the kitchen table waiting to go to work.

Now I want to talk about something I’ve always wanted to talk about. Tits. Tits are f*****g awesome I love em all! I’m like a n****e guy. You can have whatever kind of tit size you want I just care about the n****e. And if they’re fake that’s just a no. But yeah and I like stomachs. Also doesn’t matter you don’t have to have a pretty stomach. I just like stomachs. Holding them. Kissing them. Biting them. Laying on them. Hugging them. Watching them. Hearing them. I need to watch Californication.