Again I'll rise

I believed all of your lies.
98% of what you said wasn't true.
You had my heart in your hands ,you gave it back battered and bruised.
I gave you all of my trust.
But that wasn't enough.
I gave you all of my time.
You stole my shine.
Gave me no choice,forcing a goodbye.
It's goodbye...yes.
But in time,


Shining brighter than the light you thought you stole from my eyes.
Again, I will rise.
I wish you the best in your life...

Reviews

[Betty Hermelee]

This is an excellent example of a rift between two people. If one partner is telling lies then, the best thing is to leave that person, even though crushed emotionally; and if you can regain enough strength to move on, all the better. nice write!!!!
Best Betty

[CLR9]

Ahh...I get it. The person in question is Kano from Mortal Kombat.

[JayG]

• I believed all of your lies.

Well, if you're talking to me...umm...who are you? If you're not, your mail to whoever you're pissed at somehow was delivered to me by mistake.

Seriously... As the line is read, hthe reader knows not the smallest thing about the speaker, including gender, location, age, relationship to the one s/he's ranting at, or why they're doing it. So why would that reader care? For all we know, the speaker is the true reason this person bailed.

My point is that you need to do your editing from the seat of a reader, one who arrives with zero context, no idea of your intent for how the lines are to be taken, or spoken, and only mild curiosity. Confuse or bore them for one sentence and they're gone. Readers doesn't want to hear something like, "I cried at the funeral," they want you to make THEM cry, which requires something other then the fact-based and author-centric writing techniques, which are all we're given in school.

Look at fiction. When you read a tale of horror, do you want to be told that the protagonist feels terror, or do you want the writing to bring a cold chill to YOUR back?

Don't talk to the reader, invite them in. Make them care, and feel, not be well informed on your view of life.

I know this wasn't what you were hoping to see, but as the author, the voice you hear as you read is yours, filled with the emotion you feel needs to be there; as the author you know the speakers mind, the mood, and the reason they say what they do; as the author, you know the poem and it's meaning before you begin to read.

What does the reader have? The context you provide or evoke, and the meaning the words suggest, based on their background, not your intent. As for the emotion, look at a single sentence an author might use in a novel:
- - - - - - -
"John, you truly are a b*****d," Zack said.
- - - - - - -
How did you read it? It could be high praise, deadly insult, or even a doctor giving a DNA report. Would you bet on my intent and your choice being the same? See the problem? When I read my own words I use the "proper" emotion. But the reader? They need more. It could be fixed by changing to "John, you truly are a b*****d," Zack said with a smirk. That works, but we learn how it was said after we read the line. So in fiction, we make the reader know the situation, and the characters as the protagonist does, so... If we know the situation and what motivates Zack to speak, with only, ""John, you truly are a b*****d." The reader will "hear the line as Zack speaks it without need for the tag.

In poetry we're a lot more concise, but the same applies: If the reader does not have context as-they-read, they will turn away. It matter not at all if clarification will come even one line later, because they'll not see it, And in any case, there is no second-first impression,

So, start out by doing your editing from the chair of a reader. Then, for each line, ask yourself if you're informing them, or making them care.

i'm sorry my news wasn't better. But since it's the kind of problem the author will never see, and we can't fix the problem we don't see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

You might want to visit Shmoop, select "student, and poetry, It's an excellent site.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/