Chapter Forty Six

 I waited for the door to close.  “Jay, I have to ask you something.  You said you wanted to sleep on it, and you got to, a couple of times.”

 “Ah...”  He knew what I meant.  “First, come here.  This side.”

 I moved around his bed.  “What is it?”

 “Kiss me...  Hold me...”

 I sat on the edge of his bed, and kissed all over his face.  I leaned in and hugged him, and he wrapped his left arm around me and held tightly, desperately.  “Jay, it’s alright,” I said.  “It’s not the last time we’re going to see each other.  We know that now, right?”

 “It almost was,” he said quietly.

 “It’s okay,” I said with another kiss that became long and drawn out.  “Now,” I said when I pulled away, “talk to me.”

 He sighed, and turned his head to look out the window, though all we could see was our reflections.  “Laura...  Don’t get up, but put your hands in front position.”

 “What?”

 “Humor me.”  There was no one else in the room, and I owed him this at least...  I held my hands up as we’d been practicing over the last several weeks.  “Now, relax your left hand.  Let it drape loosely over your right.  Good.  Now, I want you to visualize something.  If you can’t, I understand, but I want you to try.”

 “Alright?”

 “Your right hand now represents ambition, effort, all you control.  Now, picture your left hand aging.  Imagine it getting frailer, weaker, wrinkled, and grey.  Imagine you’re on your death bed, looking at that hand for the last time ever, contemplating all the things that hand has done.  Knowing you don’t have the strength to lift it, now or ever again.  Waiting for your final breath.”

 I started to, and my mind didn’t want to do it.  “Jay...”

 “Try.  Please.  Think of how quickly it sneaks up on us.  Can’t you say and mean it, that you woke up with a daughter one morning?  I know I stop at work sometimes and think back to being a child playing in a field and wonder, just what the hell happened?  When did I ‘become’ a grown-up?  It’s the same thing, but thinking forward.”

 I tried a little longer and it was working, as well as upsetting.  “Why?” I asked, and took his hand into my own, once more youthful.

 “That’s a powerful visualization, when you really get into it.  I use it sometimes, when I can stand it.  That’s what life comes down to, Laura.  That final moment.  When you know you’ve done all you’re going to, and can’t change any of it.”

 “Aren’t we talking about why you pushed Earl to do this to you?” I asked, getting frustrated.

 “Yes,” Jay said with infectious calmness.  “Laura, I don’t know what happens when you die.  Nobody does.  What I do know is, how we spent our time matters in the end.  People die with regrets or satisfaction, not apathy.  Our lives flash before our eyes for a reason, we see our whole lives at once.  What can you take with you, in the end?”

 “Nothing...”

 “Nothing...  But what goes with you?”  I was stumped.  “The decisions you’ve made, the way you lived your life.  Every system of belief I’ve become acquainted with urges people not to focus on the material world, but the spiritual.  People who screw others over to get rich, or stay rich?  The money doesn’t go with them, but the guilt does.”

 “Jay, what are you talking about?  What does any of this have to do with...”

 “Bear with me...”  He sounded tired, and I felt bad for interrupting.  He was also ‘full of morphine’...  Trying to be coherent about something so important had to be hard.  “Killing a man is not a decision I can live with.  Not out of fear.  If I killed him for what he said, that would have been why I did it.  Not knowledge, but fear that he was serious.  It’s a righteous fear, but still nothing more than that.  Oh, if Madison were in immediate danger from him, it would be different.

 “I knew I couldn’t kill him.  That is not something I can bear to take to the grave with me.  Now, to sacrifice my life to protect her?”

 “Jay, how would you dying protect her?”

 “You may have noticed I’ve been sticking to well-populated areas...”

 “Yes,” I said after a moment’s thought.  “So?”

 “So that if he killed me, it would be witnessed.”

 “But you’d be gone, how could you protect Madison then?”

 “If I was to die for that decision, then my work would be done.  I didn’t die, so my work isn’t done.  I believe what Beth said, whether she meant it or not.  I...  I felt it, Laura.  I don’t know what I felt exactly, but when he pulled that gun I was scared shitless for a moment, then this strange sense of calm came over me.  I knew I was okay with it, if that was the end.  Somehow, that fact made me feel like, this won’t be the end.  I knew I was going to get hurt, but somehow I just knew I wouldn’t die...”

 “You sounded afraid of it after I took care of Earl.”

 He smiled.  “That little zen moment faded when Earl went down.  Then my thinking brain took over and started screaming ‘oh s**t’.  I remembered I was bleeding...  By the way, I found that quote.  Many of them, actually.  Where you go in the afterlife is dependent on your state of mind at death, is the one I was originally looking for.  That was the Gita.  If I had died knowing I had given myself to protect you and Madison, I would be at peace.  Trust me on that.

 “Christ said there is no greater love you can have for a friend than if you would lay down your life for them.  I love you two more than anything.  The Dhammapada asks us to remember that our body will soon lie under the earth, useless as a burnt log.  Our life is but a whisper.”

 He took a deep breath.  “Maybe it would have been better to call the police.  Sara was right to say I endangered you and Madison, and it’s my only regret.  I smashed Earl’s car out of fear, I admit it.  I was afraid he’d slip through the law’s fingers again.  But smashing a car is nothing, not like taking a life.  Yet...  When Earl said what he did, I don’t think I acted out of anger.  I think I had a unique moment of clarity that I no longer understood the second it was over.  It really seemed as clear as a choice to sacrifice my soul, or my life.  I wanted to tip him over the edge, make him so mad at me he’d forget you two entirely.  In that sense...  I stand by my decision.  Do you understand, Laura?”

 I had been rubbing his arm and chest, and now leaned in to kiss him.  “Sort of.  Well enough for now, at least.  I hope you’ll be willing to talk about it again some time.  Rest now, though.”  I laughed and gently brushed hair away from his forehead.  “My knight in shining armor...  None of this happened as I might have imagined, but it turned out okay, didn’t it?”

 “It did,” he said with a smile.  “You asked me before, if I valued my life so little I’d throw it away.  I value my life very much, for all of the beautiful things I’ve experienced.  If Earl had killed me, I wouldn’t have felt like I threw it away.  It would not have been a careless waste, but a gift.  I value your happiness more than my own, and Madison deserves a chance at life without that a*****e’s interference.”

 “Shh,” I said.  “You’ve pleaded your case, Jay.”  I smiled down at him, my eyes stinging for the love I felt for him.  “You were wonderful.  It’s over.  Just rest...”

 His eyes closed, and his breathing became regular.  I pulled a chair to his bedside to sit by him more comfortably.  I watched him sleep until there was a knock at the door.  “Laura?”  It was Sara.

 “He’s asleep, come on in,” I said quietly.

 “He’s sleeping?” Madison said.

 “Yes.  Come here, baby...”

 “Um, Jay’s friend is here,” Sara said.  She came farther into the room as Madison slid into my lap.

 The man that followed my sister into the room stood over a head taller than any of us, and was quite muscular, but carried himself as gently as Jay seemed to the first time I saw him.  “I’m Tristan,” he said.

 “I’m Laura,” I smiled up from the chair.

 “Well, it’s nice to finally meet you,” Tristan smiled.  “Only I wish it wasn’t because Jay just got shot.”

 “It’s nice to meet you too...  He speaks really highly of you.”

 “We’ve been best friends forever...”  He seemed to get lost for a moment, looking at Jay and reminiscing.  “Sara said he’s going to be fine?”

 “His leg will be awhile healing, but yes.”

 Jay’s eyes fluttered open.  “Holy sh...”  He caught himself this time.  “Tristan!  It is good to see you, brother.”

 “You too, man,” Tristan laughed.  They hugged, and kissed each other on the cheek.  They really are close...  “But what the hell do you think you’re doing, getting shot?”

 “What am I doing?” Jay repeated with a laugh.  “I don’t know, being target practice?  Anyway, what are you doing?  How’d you know...”

 “Laura called me,” Tristan said with a nod in my direction.

 “What time is it?” Jay asked.

 “After ten,” I said.  “We’ll have to go soon, I guess.”

 “Laura,” Jay said.  “Tristan can’t afford a motel very well...  Do you think he could have my room for the night?”

 “Actually, we got to talking for a bit and Sara said I could stay at her place,” Tristan said.  “Thanks again, by the way,” he told my sister in open relief.

 “It’s no problem,” Sara said, looking away in uncharacteristic shyness.  Oh, Sara.  Will I be keeping an eye on the two of you.

 I filled Tristan and Sara in on what had happened that evening, and some of the events leading up to it, until a nurse came in at eleven to check his vitals.  “Visiting hours are over, everybody,” she said timidly.  I could sense she was used to being argued with, and dreading it.

 “Alright,” I said.  “We love you, Jay.  Sleep good, we’ll see you in the morning.”  I turned to the nurse.  “When can we come back?”

 “Nine,” the nurse said, her relief as equally obvious as her moment of trepidation earlier.

 “I’ll be back at nine then,” Tristan said.  They hugged and swapped kisses again.

 Sara hesitated, then hugged and kissed Jay too.  “I’m sorry again, for what I said the other night.”

 Jay closed his eyes and shook his head with a smile.  “It’s all good.  You love your sister, you were worried.”

 “Yes...  I forgot you love her too.”

 They didn’t say anything else.  Tristan and Sara left together.

 “Alright, kiddo,” I said, sliding Madison off of my lap.  “You heard the nice lady.  Jay has to go back to sleep.”

 “Goodnight, Jay,” she said.  I lifted her so she could kiss him.

 “Yes, goodnight,” I said, giving him a few kisses.  “And sweet dreams.  We’ll be back in the morning.”

 “Goodnight...” he said, only too happy to go back to sleep.

Reviews

[Sarah]

The metaphor with the hands is good and could be drawn out, but the whole babbling about life and regret and the decisions you make seemed to drag on and wasn't very clear. I even got bored halfway through it, so I'd suggest to condense that part and clear it up. I understand Jay's on morphine and exhausted, but it wasn't easy to understand. I could feel Laura's frustration while reading that.

I'm glad to meet Tristan, and I'm curious what he has to do with this story since it's almost over and we now are just meeting him. What's his significance as a character or is he just being thrown in at the last second.