Chapter 18: You Are Beautiful

Lavender returns to see Lumenovus again. Their fear that this could be their last time seeing each other emboldens both of them.

 I agonized over the whole thing at dinner, much to Pinvey’s delight.  I didn’t care what she saw or thought...  All I cared about was that Lumenovus was sure he was going to die tomorrow, and he didn’t want to see me.

 “Worried about your pet?” she asked, baiting me.

 I didn’t say anything.  I barely ate.  I went to my room after dinner and paced.

 He had said he wanted to be alone for awhile.  Did he mean for an hour, or until tomorrow, or was he politely saying he never wanted to see me again?  What would happen if I went back now?

 If I didn’t go, I’d have to wonder forever.  If I went, I might have the wound of a final rejection, but I would at least know...  His talking about living life really has rubbed off on me...

 By the time I worked up the courage to go back to his cell, it was late.  Almost everyone was in bed.  I walked quietly in my nervousness.  My head filled with visions of him yelling that he wanted to be alone.

 “Hi,” I said.  I’d barely whispered, but because of my silent approach I startled him.  He jumped, and his eyes widened when he recognized me.

 “Lavender!  Oh, I’m so glad you came back!”

 I was stunned for a moment.  “Really?”

 “I hope I didn’t hurt you earlier when I said I had to be alone, but it was just that.  Death was really sinking in.  It felt like my head was full of buzzing wasps.  I couldn’t talk, I had to think for awhile.  I hope you understand.”

 I gasped my relief.  “I was afraid you didn’t want me here.”

 “Of course I do,” he said.  “I’m sorry I didn’t explain better at the time.  I want you here more than anything.  Please, believe me.”

 He was tired, I could hear it in his voice.  I could see it in the way he slouched against the cell wall.  He was still stripped from the waist up, and the moon was highlighting his contours.  That was the first time it really hit me.  I thought he was beautiful.  It broke my heart to think that this would be the last night I saw him.  Never again in the moonlight...

 “I’ll stay all night if you want me to...”

 “I do,” he said bluntly, with none of his usual reserve.  “I need someone to talk to.”  I could almost hear him straining to force the next words out.  “I need...  You.”

 “I’m here for you,” I said, my heart melting at being able to say it to someone who wanted to hear it.

 He took a few deep breaths, and I realized he was forcing himself not to cry.  “You’ve been here for me all along.  I don’t know what to say.  It’s like I’m in a different world entirely, being here.  A hostile world, where everyone hates me.  You’re the one and only friend I have here.  On top of that, you’re so nice to me it’s made the whole thing worth it, just to have met you.  You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, even in my own world.  It’s so hard to tell you any of this, because I’m scared of driving you away with my clinginess.  Think of where I’d be without you...  Lonelier than I ever imagined was possible.”

 “You would never drive me away,” I said, shocked to know he’d felt that all along.  “Listen to me, I mean that.  I’ve loved helping you, can’t you tell?”

 He gave a thin smile.  “Now that you make me think about it, I guess I do.  It’s just beyond my comprehension.”  He rested his head against the wall with his eyes closed, and let out a long sigh.

 “I have to ask,” I said.  “When we first met and you thought you were going to die, you were just...  Talking about it.  You barely seemed to care.  Why are you so upset now, then?”

 His eyes squeezed shut, as if from a pain unrelated to his injury.  “Because I wasn’t losing so much.  That was before I started feeling so close to you...”  He said quietly, almost inaudibly.

 My breath caught in my throat.  I tried to think of something to say back, but he spared me.  “You know what though?  I think I’m okay with this.  You know I believe in living ready for death.  Making every decision count.  I’ve looked back on my whole life, but most especially the last few weeks.  I don’t have any regrets.  Maybe I’m not too happy about some of the things that have happened to me, but they never got on top of me.  I’ve given it my all.”

 My heart was still racing from what he’d said, but I let the conversation move on.  “Are you sure it’s that final?  There’s no chance anything will make your arm better?”

 “I’m sure.  While you were gone I played out so many increasingly far-fetched situations...  Even in my wildest daydreams it doesn’t work.  I’m done for.  It’s okay though.  I wasn’t going to live forever.  I’m happy with the life I’ve lived, I’ve seen a lot of beautiful things.  Something I realized I need to do is tell you...  That you’re one of them.”

 “I’m...  What?”  Did he just say what I think he did?  I felt my pulse quicken again.

 “No...” he said to himself.  “Sorry.  I’m not going to tell you that casually.  Lavender, look at me.”

 We looked at each other as he said, “I want you to know, ever since I first saw you, you seemed different to me.  When I was brought here, everyone stared at me like some sort of oddity except for you.  I don’t know exactly how to describe it but...  I saw compassion in your eyes.  It sets you apart from the rest.  It makes you...  Beautiful.  I think you’re beautiful.  I know my opinion doesn’t count for much, but it’s true and I would never have forgiven myself if I didn’t at least tell you.”

 “It means everything,” I said, my eyes stinging.  It hit me that he really thought he was going to die.  I could hear it in his voice.  He’d said that all without any concern of what I might say or think.  He really just had to get it out.  And he thought I was beautiful...  “I think you’re beautiful, too.  I was just now thinking that, I’m not saying it because you did.”

 “Me?” he said, mostly to himself.  “That’s very touching...  I don’t know what to say, really.  Thank you.”  I saw him look at himself, as if trying to understand how I could have said that.  “Well, I didn’t want to get all mushy on you...  I just had to say that.  I hope you’ll be easier on yourself from now on.  People seem to love dumping on you here, I can see that.  Don’t let them make you forget what a wonderful person you are.”

 “You’re getting mushy,” I said, trying not to cry.  “And stop talking like you’re about to die.”

 “I am about to.”

 “Stop talking about it.  Stop thinking about it.  You’re...  Breaking my heart.”

 He looked to see if I was being serious.  Of course I was.  He nodded, and was silent.

 “I wish I could do something for you,” I said.

 “There is one thing, that has brought me great comfort in the last few weeks.”

 “What’s that?”

 He reached his hand through the bars.  “Just to have some benevolent contact, before...”  He stopped himself.  “Sorry.”

 I shook my head to let him know it was okay, and took his hand.  I held it, I rubbed my hands over it.  I kissed it...  I kept looking at him in the moonlight, thinking.  Finally the idea of never seeing him again tore the question out of me.  “Lumenovus...”

 “Yes...”

 “Would it be okay if I...”  I had to take a breath.  “Can I...  Touch...  Your arm?”

 “My arm?” he asked, though he was already moving closer so I could reach it.  “What for?”

 I had permission.  Still, my hand trembled.  But I was glad I asked.  “I’m just curious...”

 He smiled.  “What about?”

 He was sitting with his good side facing me again.  I slowly reached for him, and barely rested my fingertips on his shoulder.  From there I let my hand rest farther on until my whole hand made contact.  Then I gave a small squeeze.  His flesh was hard, but yielding.  Its warmth struck me even more than when we’d first held hands.  It felt wonderful...

 “I don’t know...” I said when I found my voice.  “I’ve  been...  I’ve been...  Admiring you all along.  I love looking at you.  I just had to know what you felt like.”  I was surprised to hear such words coming out of my mouth.  I ran my hand up and down his arm, then pulled my hand back suddenly.  “What’s that?  What’s happening?”

 He looked down, sharing my panic for a second, and laughed.  “You don’t get that either, eh?  We call that ‘gooseflesh’, it happens to humans when we’re cold.  Or when something feels really nice...” he trailed off in embarrassment.

 “You...  Like this?” I touched his arm again, running my fingers along the different lines of his flesh.

 “It’s very soothing...  You’ve no idea.”  After I did that a bit longer, he swallowed nervously.  “Would you feel okay doing that for my wounded side?”

 “Would that help?” I asked hopefully.

 With a laugh he said, “Well, I know for sure it won’t hurt.  And it’s putting a great amount of peace in my heart.  Is that enough?”

 “Of course...  Come here...”  He switched how he was sitting, and I saw he had finally bandaged his wound.  I traced my fingers over the parts that weren’t covered, and his breathing deepened.  He seemed to melt into the wall.  I was grateful I had the chance to do something like this for him...  Before...  Stop it.

 It seemed to be of its own accord that my hand began rubbing farther in, until I was rubbing across the top of his chest to his other shoulder and back.  Then I started going a little lower each time.  I looked at him, to see if he’d react.  He just looked very relaxed.  “Is that okay?”  All I could get out was a whisper.

 “It’s great...  Thank you.”

 I rubbed lower, and felt the hairs on his chest tickle my hand.  Everywhere, he felt so warm, and hard, but soft.  Has any fairy girl ever felt anything like this?

 “So, how does this compare with a fairy man’s body?”

 His question snapped me out of my thoughts, and made me wonder if he’d read them.  “Oh, I...  I wouldn’t know, honestly.  But, I like it...”  I blushed furiously.

 “You’ve really never been with a man?  Not one?”

 “Simon...”

 “I said a man,” he said, and we both gave a bitter half-laugh.

 “No...”

 He looked down at my hand.  “So, my chest hair doesn’t freak you out or anything?  My wound?  Nothing?”

 I ran my hand up his chest, and neck, and caressed his cheek, feeling the rough hair there prick my palm.  “I love it all, except I wish you weren’t hurt.”

 His eyes closed.  “I can’t believe no one would want to be with you...  Especially now.  You’re very good at this...”

 “Good at what?”

 “You really have no idea how pleasing that is, do you?”

 I said nothing, but kept running my hand over him, wondering if he would let me do it all night.  I’d do it right up until they drag you to the arena, if I could.  I just want to memorize you...

 “Are you okay?” I asked after I had done that awhile.

 “I’m great,” he said quietly, slowly.  “I’m just lost in how wonderful that feels.  It actually doesn’t hurt like it was.  And I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea that you could be enjoying it.”

 “I am...”

 “Fairy men are all really stupid.  How could they not want to accept your favors...”

 “Oh, they wouldn’t ever want me to touch them.”  Then, intending it to be to myself, I muttered, “And there’s certainly no men who would ever want to touch me.”

 “Lavender...  Why do you have to make fun of me?”

 “What?”

 “No men, anywhere?”

 “No.”

 “So then, are you saying I’m not a man, or that I don’t count?”

 I pulled my hand away and stood up, in surprise.  “What?  You?”

 He spread his hands.  “I’m just being honest.  Sorry if I offended you.”

 He looked at me, and could see I wasn’t offended.  Just speechless...  “You...  Want to touch...  Me?”

 He smiled at my bewilderment.  “What, am I not supposed to?  Why wouldn’t I?”

 “I...  Just...  What would you want to touch?” I asked, unable to see any part of myself as attractive.

 A grin stole over his face, that he could not fight down.  He tried to, and it only grew wider.  Something was amusing him greatly.

 “What’s so funny?”

 “I’m sorry to break my promise not to talk like this but...  Are you aware you’re asking a dying man what he would like to touch on you?”

 He was joking, mostly.  Not entirely.  I flushed as I realized what he meant, and where this might go, depending on how serious he was.  Fine.  I snapped my wings, and looked him in the eye.  “What would you like to touch?” I repeated defiantly.

 For a second his smirk remained, and with a start I realized he was looking at my chest.  Go on, ask then.  I’ll let you.  Then his expression went dreamy.  He looked at me, taking all of me in.  “Plenty...  But, if you’re serious,” he said, now serious himself, “I would like to touch your hair.”

 “My hair?”  I had to giggle.  His face fell.  “I’m sorry, it’s just...  Not something our men pay any attention to.  Of all things...  Why my hair?”

 He sighed.  “The first time I ever thought a girl was pretty, when I was just a boy, it was because of her hair.  It’s always been the first thing I notice.  It’s not something a lot of human men pay attention to either, actually.  I’m pretty unique in that...  I wouldn’t ask, believe me.  But tomorrow...  Oh, never mind...”

 I couldn’t believe how badly he actually wanted to...  Touch my hair!  Nor how bad I wanted him to touch me...  Anywhere.  “It’s alright,” I said.  “Touch me.”

 He gave me a look to see if I was teasing him, or if this was merely amusing to me.  I just wanted to make him happy.  He could see that, and he stood and came to the bars.  I stood as close as I could for him.  “Really?” he asked timidly.

 I nodded.  He reached through, resting his hands on the sides of my head.  He was gentle...  He ran his hands back,  following my ponytail down my neck and back.  He untied the ribbon holding it back, then put his hands under my hair, cupping the back of my head.  With his fingertips he gently massaged the bottom of my scalp and the base of my neck.  He was so gentle!  He ran his fingers through my hair, slowly, all the way down.  Then he did it all again.

 My neck went limp and my head hung back helplessly.  I felt like I was melting.  I had never in my life felt such a wonderful sensation!  It was like I could feel it all over, down to my toes.

 He kept going, and I wanted more.  “What else would you like to touch,” I managed to get out.

 He paused, holding my hair.  “Your face...”

 “Alright...”

 His fingers trailed around and he cupped my cheeks in his hands, which felt huge.  He rubbed them with his thumbs a little, then snaked one around the back of my neck while the other traced the different lines in my face.  His fingers ran over my eyebrows, down my nose, under my chin, across my lips...  And I loved that, too.

 “What else...” I gasped.

 “Your neck...”

 “Alright...”  Our voices were both gradually fading whispers now.

 His hands found the back of my head again, and after playing through my hair a few more times, he began running his fingers over the back of my neck, working toward the front.  His touch was now filling me with thrilling tingles.  He drew lines all over my neck, spreading out to my shoulders, going just below my collarbone...  Hesitating.

 I wondered if he would stop anywhere.  I didn’t want him to.  “What else?”

 He hesitated, since this time he was not joking.  He had to take a deep breath and steel himself to say, “Your breasts...”

 When he said it, his breath caught in his throat in a way that set something in me on fire.  My heart raced.  What am I doing?  “Alright,” I whispered just as unsteadily.  I pulled my dress down to encourage him, amazed at my lack of embarrassment.  Amazed at how much I wanted him to touch my breasts.

 He didn’t right away.  He took a shuddering breath, and put his hands back on my shoulders.  He was looking at me.  Looking at my body.  He was...  Admiring me.  Then he slid his hands down the front of my shoulders, but then to the side, so his hands traveled down my ribcage.  They came back up, then moved to the front of my chest.  He traced his fingers down, and I knew the first tender touch on my breasts.  I loved it...  I tried to drink it in as well as I could, since it was not only the first but probably last time it would ever happen.  But it was so much, so new, so fast...

 He would run his hands over my entire chest, then rest them on my breasts, gently massaging them.  His eyes became half-lidded in pleasure, his breathing deepened still, and I watched in amazement the effect I was having on him.

 “So,” I said in an unsteady whisper, “how does this...  Compare...  With a human girl’s body?”

 All that came out of him was a short sigh that was almost a laugh, and his fingers tightened.  He didn’t squeeze hard, but I could feel the strength in his hands.  He tried again and only barely managed to say, “You’re...  Lovely...”

 I made a decision, at that moment.  I realized I’d been thinking about it all along, I just hadn’t allowed it to be a conscious thought.

 I felt like I was the one in the cage, and the bars were closing in on me, suffocating me.  My knees went weak from the sensations he was causing me.  My loins felt like they were on fire.  My breath was as uneven as his, and felt hot in my throat.  I was full of heat, and I wanted to share it with him.

 I stepped back.  His hands followed me, but let go.  His eyes begged me to stay, and I almost cried.  I felt like I wanted to give him the world.  I had only myself.  I’ll never leave you, don’t worry.  I pulled my dress back up.  “I’m taking you out of here,” I said, out of breath.

 “What?  How?”

 “I’ll be back.”

 I ran to the entrance of the briars.  “Guard.”

 “Princess?”

 “Release the prisoner to my custody.  I will bring him back.”

 “But, Princess...”

 “That is an order!” I yelled.  Had I ever yelled before?  “If my father has an issue with it he will take it up with me.  Do you understand?”

 “Y-yes, Princess,” he said, my vehemence something he wasn’t used to.

 I followed him back to Lumenovus’s cell.  The guard released him and gave me a final look, wondering what I could be up to, before walking away.

 Lumenovus stood there looking at me, dazed as if in a dream.  “Where are you taking me?  Your father will just hunt me down, if...”

 “Shh,” I cut him off softly by putting my fingers to his lips.  I gave him my hand.  “Just come with me...”

Reviews

[Sira YR]

Please, please, please continue this story :) I have to know what happens next! I just have to :). This was a fantastic read btw... I enjoyed every bit of it.

P.S Seriously tho, please post some more cuz i seriously need to kno what happens next :)