Chapter Twenty Nine

 “When I first ordered that punching dummy,” Jay said, “I didn’t know about Earl.  I still thought it was ‘random bar guys’ that you were upset about, and that there may be more to come.  Hell, I didn’t know you were interested in me.  But I guess I knew I was interested in you, on some level.  That night when you got serious about the wrist grab, I went to bed with the thought of coming home to find you crying with a black eye, or worse...”  He choked a little.

 “Are you crying?”  I went and sat next to him, and put an arm around him.

 He took my other hand in his, gently running his fingers over my reddened knuckles.  “Not really...”  He sniffed, and laughed at himself.  “Well, maybe.  I just hate thinking of it.  Even more than I did when I first decided to order it.”  He laughed sadly to himself.  “I figured really, the fact that you seemed to be into bar guys meant I’d never have a chance.  I told you I’m used to that.”

 “Jay...”

 He shook his head to say that wasn’t what he wanted to get into.  “I figured at least I would do anything I could to stop it from ever happening again.  Now, of course, it’s about Earl.  I can sense your fear of him.  I’m afraid myself, to think that I wasn’t home when he stopped by this time, and I might not be next time.  Especially...”  He drew a deep breath, and sighed.  “I keep hearing your overwhelmed voice saying he wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.  Laura, If I came home to find he’d...  Done that, I don’t know what I’d do.  I’m afraid to think of what I’d do.”  He brought my hand to his lips and delivered a soft kiss on each knuckle.

 I felt terrible that he had to be feeling such things, on my account.  “Please don’t worry...  Whatever happens, we can get through it together, right?”

 “God, I hope so...”

 “Jay...  Talk to me.  I could tell the second you walked in the door something was bothering you.  Is it just Earl, or is there more?”

 “There’s more...”  I didn’t press him.  I slid away slightly, just so I could rub his back.  A sigh told me it was calming him.  “I’m still divided, Laura.  I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, in spite of all my other experiences like this.  I still don’t know if it really is because you’re different, or simply that I want you to be.  I can’t tell.  My heart says one thing, my head says another.  They’ve both been wrong, and I don’t know what to do.”

 “I haven’t said anything I didn’t mean with all my heart.  That’s all I can tell you,” I said sorrowfully.

 He nodded.  “I know...  I know you mean it now, at least.  What happens later, when he gets into sweet-talker mode?  Brings flowers, and a whole bullshit story about how this time will be different.”

 “Ha.  I don’t see that happening.  All he’s ever done is make it clear how ugly I am.  He’s never once bought flowers or anything like it.”

 “Fine.  What about when ‘your body betrays you’, as you said?”

 Bitterness had crept into his voice.  I bristled at it.  “Earl is never going to touch me again.  Even if he did...”  I started to trail off, but made myself go on.  “I don’t know if this is what you want to hear right now, but after feeling how you touch me...  He couldn’t come close, anyway.”

 “So...  I win because I’m a better lay?”

 I sighed.  “I was hoping you wouldn’t take it like that...”

 “No, I’m sorry.  I get what you mean, I’m just being a dick.  It still hurts, Laura.  I’m trying to not let it get the better of me, but I slip up sometimes.”

 I leaned into him, with my head on his shoulder.  I snuck an arm under his, sliding my hand down his forearm until our fingers linked.  “It’s alright, I understand.  I’m glad you’re telling me what you’re feeling, instead of bottling it up.”

 “Yeah?” he asked heavily.

 “Yeah...” I said.  “What else are you feeling?”

 I waited for him as he concentrated to gather the words.  “You asked me before what I was looking for in a woman.  The best I could say was the right feeling, an I couldn’t go any farther than that because I hadn’t felt it.”  My hand tightened on his as I picked up his use of past tense, but I let him continue.  “I believe I’ve experienced it with you.  I don’t know when it hit me, it crept in so gradually.  There’s so much to it, it couldn’t hit me all at once.  It’s more than what I was looking for in a woman, it’s what I’m looking to get out of life.  It’s such a hard world, and I know it can’t all be like that.  Where is the softness, why does it have to be so hidden?

 “I guess it started hitting me the day we met.  And continued the more I was allowed to be around you.  It’s your face, and your voice.  Your hair, your touches, the way you feel, the things you say and think, the way we make love…. Even the light seems to behave differently around you, a room doesn’t look the same to me when you’re in it.  I feel like I’ve found the greatest treasure that exists.  You’re the most important thing in the world to me.  Then I saw how unimportant you were to Earl, and hear about how you’ve been treated.  And I wonder, can we both be right?  Is he so blind, along with the rest of the world for that matter, or am I wrong?  No one else sees you like I do, not even you.

 “There’s that confusion, and also not knowing how this will turn out.  But I’m telling myself that, at the very least, I’ve experienced something new.  I hope it works out, but if not…. Well, I’m glad we had what we did.”  Jay kissed the top of my head.  “You are a treasure, Laura.  All of you, and your heart especially.  I hope you know that.”

 I leaned further into him, resting my head on his shoulder.  “I don’t know, but you sure hold me like I’m one.”  I smiled through the tears trickling down my face.  “How did that man ever make me feel like a princess, even before he turned so nasty?” I asked, determined to take that word back from Earl.

 Jay thought for a bit on that one.  “I think that...  Maybe you felt like one on your own to begin with, somewhere inside, and he just let you go on feeling it for awhile.”

 “I think you’re right...”  I kissed him.  “It’s you that makes me feel like one.”

 “You deserve to.”  He kissed the top of my head, and rubbed his cheek in my hair.  After falling silent for awhile he said, “I’ve been wondering something.  How can you trust me at all, when you’ve had such bad experiences with men?”

 I took a moment to put the answer together for myself.  It was a good question.  “When I got involved with Earl that first night, I was drinking.  I was younger, and naive.  I didn’t have a daughter.  I learned to pay attention, and aside from what I learned from Madison, I learned to listen to her as well.  I brought a guy who used to work in the floral department home once.  He seemed nice, and quiet when I saw him there.  Madison took an instant dislike to him, despite his best efforts.  I tried to give him more of a chance, but conversation was really strained.  I don’t remember much of what we talked about, but it came up that he was almost forty, and said he still lived with his mother.  Not just lived with her, but was afraid to go anywhere without her pretty much, and that was why she wanted him to meet a girl so badly.  That was the end of him.  Then there was a customer named Jeremy, who I took to bed once.  Madison didn’t like him either, and I wish I’d taken that into account.  He was...  Awful.  He was degrading, but it was like he just thought that’s how it was done.  He spit, he called me names, slapped me, and kept saying ‘oh yeah’ over and over.”

 A smile came to Jay’s face.  “Sounds like he watched too much porn.”

 “I wouldn’t know, I haven’t seen any.”

 “You’re not missing much.  Jerks like that having sex with girls that don’t want to be there.”

 “You watch it, then?”

 He shook his head.  “When I was younger, and didn’t know any better.  I went through a phase a few years ago where I watched it more as an anthropological study.  People-watching, if you will.  It’s gotten ridiculous.  I’m almost afraid to think of what it’s evolved into now.”

 “Anyway,” I said, interrupting him by squeezing his torso, “With you I just feel different.  Madison liked you instantly.  Your dog is obviously very loved and treated well.  And I’ve never felt like this around anybody before.  I feel wonderful next to you, Jay.  There’s a genuineness about you I’ve never seen.  Even now, as hard as it is, you’re being honest with me and telling me what’s going through your mind.”  I rubbed one of my hands up and down his arm.  “You’re so obviously different from the men I’ve had to learn to avoid.  And I know that even without them in my past, I would still love being around you.  That’s how I can trust you.”

 He was smiling, for real this time.  “Well said...”  He lapsed into thought.

 “Now what are you thinking?” I asked when he’d had some time.

 “How well you just described my own feelings.”

 “Is that why you’re giving me the benefit of the doubt?”

 “Yes, and why I’m sorry for being so hard on you.”  He turned to me slightly, still holding me.  “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, Laura.  And I forgive you, I really do.  It doesn’t make it stop hurting.  It’s not just what you did, it’s also the memories it brings back.  They have nothing to do with you, and I feel like I’m making you pay for them anyway when I find myself taking those little digs at you.  I’m glad you called me on it last night.  I don’t want to do it, I just do it when I’m not thinking about what I’m saying.  Can you forgive me for that?”

 I hugged him.  “Jay...  Of course I can.  You’re already amazing me with how well you’re dealing with all of this.  Earl had nothing to do with you either, and you’re paying for that.  Still, you say you forgive me...”  We were quiet again.  “I should get to bed soon, I guess.”  I rested my head on his shoulder.  “Make love to me again?” I whispered.

 “I would like that,” he said, a tremor in his voice telling me there was something else...

 “I don’t want you to, unless you’re sure.  I don’t want to confuse you.”

 He laughed and rubbed my arm.  “I am confused, but what you said helped me sort things out.  I’m at a crossroads here.  Like I said, I can listen to my mind, or my heart.  Or I can listen to them yell at each other and get nowhere.  But, I’ve already made my choice.  I realize that now.  I know I’m risking getting hurt, and if I do it’s going to hurt a long time.  However...  If I just bail now it will hurt for the rest of my life, because I’ll know what I had, and have to live with the fact that I gave up on it.”  He gave a cleansing breath.  “So, I’m with you.  I’m not doing it half assed.  I’m not going to say I’m with you, while holding you at arm’s length to protect myself.  I’m yours, Laura.”  He hugged me tightly, and whispered, “Please, don’t hurt me.”

 I returned his embrace for an answer.  We held each other for awhile, and he said, “Bed, then?”

 “Yes,” I said, and we pulled away.  “I’d like to practice that some more, first.  Can I follow you in a little bit?”

 He took my hands again, and ran his fingers tenderly over the backs of them.  I marveled, as I always did, at how gentle he was.  More so this time, as I recalled how he had nonchalantly thrown a strike earlier that he said could have killed a man, with power I couldn’t hope to match.  “I wouldn’t.  It’s easy to overdo it.  This finger’s missing a bit of skin already.  If you make them scab up, you won’t be able to practice for a couple weeks.”  He looked at his own hands.  “Take it from someone who knows.”

 I nodded.  My hands did hurt.  We walked upstairs, holding hands.  He made love to me again.  I was afraid he was going to seem distracted, but he didn’t.  He was even considerate enough to give my hands extra kisses.  He really is giving himself to you.  Body, mind, and soul.  Don’t you dare hurt him again...

Author's Note

I'm not quite happy with this scene, but I can't put my finger on it. If anything seems out of place or unnatural, I'd like to hear. There used to be a short relation of a rape scene by Laura, to expand on why she's so afraid of him. It felt tacked on, so I removed it. Would it be better left in?

Reviews

[Sarah]

I agree with you that this scene seems out of place. It's not bad, just seems to drag on. Their conversation seems to be more dragging than moving the story along. I don't want to say it's getting boring, but it's losing my interest. Maybe the rape scene you suggested would fit in here somewhere. I keep feeling like nothing is changed between Laura and Jay, yet there's always reminders in their speech that something has. Their body language and the way they feel towards each other hasn't which seems a bit odd.

I think the ending would be better if they just went to bed without Laura saying she wants to practice the move again. Takes away from her feelings for just a second. Not much.

Also, the part about porn seemed a little condescending. Not all porn is like that. In fact, there is porn for women that focuses on passionate sex and lots of foreplay. Maybe you could consider incorporating that. I don't know. I'm still eager to see what will happen with Earl.

[Christopher Miller]

Their speech and how they actually behave are meant to be discordant. As before, their minds are chaotic about the whole thing, and their speech will reflect that. However, what they both want deep down makes their continued closeness inevitable, at least for now.