Chapter Twenty Six

 At eleven, my stomach started twisting again as I knew he should be punching out.  Midnight came, and he still hadn’t shown.  He’s hardly ever this late.  Where else could he go?  He still has his apartment...  I hated to admit to myself that there was a good chance he was planning to stay the night there.  He must have dropped his dog off there, after all.

 I had nearly given up hope that he would come home, when I heard him pull up just before midnight.  Mariah ran into the house as soon as she could squeeze in.  Jay followed, a defeated look about him.  I stood, but words wouldn’t come.

 “What?” he asked when he saw me looking at him.

 “Jay...  I’m sorry.”

 “Nice.  That makes two of us.”  He walked right past me, heading toward his room.

 “Can we talk?  Please?”

 That opened him up.  “Talk?  I got stuck late x-raying some piece of s**t drunk who fought me every step of the way, then came home to find someone just like him nude in your bed.  Is it going to turn out that just isn’t a big deal?”  He laughed scornfully.  “Sorry, it’s not the kind of thing I brush off so easy.”  His voice went to a lower, more sorrowful tone.  “I...  I trusted you.”

 “It wasn’t what you think...”

 That wasn’t the right thing to say.  He dropped his bag loudly at his side, his brow furrowed and his nostrils flared.  “What do I think?  Tell me.”

 I managed to not break into sobs, but I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.  “I don’t know, I’m sorry.  That’s why I want to talk.  Please, hear me out.  If you still think I’m a piece of s**t, I won’t say anything else.  Please?”

 He covered his eyes with his hand, rubbing so hard it seemed he meant to pull his face off.  “God damn it,” he said slowly, but furiously.  “Fine.  Let me change.”

 He didn’t close his door, and after changing I heard him taking some deep breaths to calm himself.  I did the same, thankful for his breathing lessons.  I did calm a bit, but knew that wasn’t going to last long.  I went to the kitchen and opened a bottle of wine.  “Want some?” I asked when he passed the kitchen on the way to the love seat.

 “Mood exaggerators are not a good idea for me right now.  You have some, if you need it.”

 I heard the accusation in the word ‘need’, but brushed it off.  You don‘t have a right to feel hurt right now.  I did need it.  I filled my glass to the top.

 I came into the living room to find him in the armchair.  Of course...  I took the spot on the loveseat closest to him, and again tried to search for words.  He started first.  “What do I think?  I don’t know what to think, Laura.  I thought we had something together.  Something special.  I was actually so comfortable with it I didn’t want to try labeling us as anything like boyfriend, girlfriend...  I just felt like we were together.  That was enough.  For the first time in my life, I felt like things were perfect.”

 He smiled a bitter, sad smile.  “I knew it was all too good to be true.  I thought it was just my mind at work, nagging me with doubts.  It’s the one thing I was right about.  When I saw him in your bed, I felt like I had nothing to stand on anymore.  Like I’d been thrown off of a cliff.  I thought you felt the same about me as I felt about you.  Now I’m just wondering.  Was I something extra, a pleasant diversion?  Were you just being nice to me?”

 His words stung me to my core.  I looked at my wine, realized my stomach wouldn’t handle it, and set it down.  “Jay...  What I did was horrible.  I know.  But please believe me, I never meant to hurt you.  So...”

 “So?” he asked when I paused.

 “So, can we do this without intentionally hurting each other’s feelings?”

 I couldn’t believe I said it.  I closed my eyes, bracing for another tirade.  I heard him sigh.  “Yes.  I’m sorry.  And I’m sorry for what I said about your drinking.  Damn!  It just hurts, Laura.  I’ve never been hurt this bad.  How could you do it?”

 “I didn’t sleep with him...” I said, fidgeting with my ponytail as I stared at the floor, unable to meet Jay’s eyes.

 “How did he end up sleeping naked in your bed, then?  What the hell was he doing here in the first place?  Who is he to you?”

 I took a deep breath.  “Earl...  Is Madison’s father.”  I gave that a moment to sink in.  “He came over last night, looking for...”  I shook my head.  “He undressed and climbed in, even though I kept telling him not to.  He passed out right away.  I didn’t want to wake him because, well...”  Tears started to flow again.  “If I did, I knew he wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.  And you weren’t here, and Madison was asleep, and...”  I broke into sobs.

 “What the hell...” Jay said to himself, and came to sit next to me.  I leaned toward him slightly, tentatively.  Hidden somewhere in my sobbing was a sigh of utter relief when he took me into his arms.  “Laura, start from the beginning.  Tell me about Earl.  I’m giving you a chance to tell me everything.”  He muttered to himself, “Against my better judgment...”

 I told him my story, going as far back as the death of my parents.  My years as a heavy drinker, how and why I’d met Earl, my old dreams, the theft...  He let me finish without interruption before asking questions.  “Why didn’t you say something before?” he said after thinking about it for awhile.

 He was still holding me, and I felt my arm move against his chest as I shrugged.  “There just wasn’t a good time.  At first I didn’t think it mattered, since I was so sure nothing would happen with us.  And then suddenly things were so perfect, I didn’t want to ruin it.”

 “Sometime, anytime before pulling me into your bedroom to make love, would have been a good time.  I think what you mean is, there was no time it wouldn’t have been unpleasant.  True as that is, you must know it would have been the right thing to do.”

 “I do know...  And I have no way to say how sorry I am.”

 Jay became thoughtful again.  “Madison once mentioned a troll.”

 I nodded.  “She heard some noises one night.  She’s never met her father, Jay.  I couldn’t tell her.  Not yet.”

 He grunted.  “Were you planning on telling her ever?  Has she asked why she doesn’t have a father?”

 I looked him in the eye as I said, “If she ever asked me, I would tell her the truth.  I was expecting it when she started school, but there’s so many single parents it’s just not out of the ordinary.  As far as she knows, some people just don’t have mommies or daddies.  One boy in her class has two mommies.  Things are so different nowadays...”

 He held my gaze a bit longer and nodded.  “I can get that.  Why a troll, though?”

 “A few reasons, maybe.”  I laughed sadly.  “More of that ‘magic’ I’m filling her with.  Trolls are mean, that’s simple enough.  Maybe I was afraid if I said it was a man, she’d want to know what we were doing.  Maybe I was romanticizing the situation.  It’s what came out, and maybe it’s as simple as that.”

 “How can a guy not want to meet his daughter...” he said, reflecting.  Something else dawned on him.  “You were telling me about random bar guys before.”

 I nodded before he had to ask.  “There’s only been Earl.  I’ve brought a total of two other guys home, those I met at work though.  They didn’t hang around long enough for Earl to come up at all.”

 “Were you planning to handle it with them the same as you did with me?”  An edge was coming back to his voice.

 “I wasn’t planning anything...  Jay, I know I don’t deserve it, but please try to understand.  When he comes by, it’s just for a quick lay.  He doesn’t do it often.  When he’s gone I just...  My mind...”  I tried to explain, hoping I was making at least some sense.  “It’s like he doesn’t exist the rest of the time.  Even if something reminds me of him, my mind erases it or makes something up.  I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  I can talk about random bar guys when I really just mean him, and his face doesn’t even come to mind.  It’s denial, nothing more.  I’ve been paying for my cowardice all along.  And now you have too...”

 I was inviting him to vent, but he only wanted to know more.  “So when I asked you about ‘them’ getting rough with you...”

 “Yes.  It was always Earl.  It was only a few times.”

 He was still holding me.  I felt his chest inflate like a balloon as he inhaled deeply to keep his anger in check.  “And now I have a face to put to it...” he said.  He rubbed my arm and his voice softened again.  “Why did you let him do it, Laura?  I mean, why did you let him keep doing it, after the first time?  Do you really think so lowly of yourself?”

 The question, as well as something about the tender way he asked it, started my tears flowing again.  “Yes, or I did.  That was part of it.  Part of it was, I wanted to make myself believe I was in control.  If I told myself I wanted him to have sex with me then I wasn’t just being used and forgotten.”  My voice fell to a whisper.  “I’m also terrified of him, Jay.  There were a couple of times where I told him I wasn’t in the mood, and...”

 “Enough,” he said, managing to keep the hardness from his voice.  He could sense I didn’t want to describe being beaten by Earl, or maybe he didn’t want to hear about it himself.  “Why haven’t you ever gone to the police?”

 “I’m afraid of that too.  Ever since he won the court case, I’ve felt so helpless.  I know he doesn’t look like much, but he’s got money.  He has lawyers.”

 “Oh yeah, that money laundering account.  He is smart, in a way I guess.  Alright.”  He waited patiently until I stopped sniffling and said, “Now, tell me about us.  What am I to you, Laura?  If this were a perfect world, what would happen now?”

 “Don’t you know?”

 “I don’t know anything.  I never did I guess, but especially not now.”

 “Jay, I...”  I love you.  The words stopped in my throat and I tried again, forcing them out.  “I love you...”

 He stiffened, and I feared to think of what that portended.  He wasn’t ready to hear that...  “And?”  He wasn’t being dismissive, he wanted me to go on.

 “And I wish it were as simple as my knight in shining armor riding out to slay the evil troll.  I know, it isn’t.  But you asked about a perfect world.”

 “Fair enough,” he sighed.  “So, in this world...  Now what?”

 My hand tightened on his pectoral muscle.  “I have to ask...  What am I to you?”

 A single breath came out as a laugh.  “I don’t know, now.  I thought you were a dream come true.  I romanticized the situation too.  You saved me from a...  Swamp hag.  An evil witch.  You took me into your palace and made me feel at home, and more than that.  Especially since...”

 He trailed off as if his words were too heavy to speak, and took a breath to continue.  “This is hard to talk about, but when you asked me if I was a knight, it did something.  I felt like you saw something special in me, just like I did in you.  I felt like we understood each other.  You woke something up inside of me, and I thought that maybe I’d found the last bit of real magic that does exist in the world.  I guess it was all in my mind after all...”

 His words made me cry.  I wanted them to be true for him, for us.  I had the feeling that I’d done to him exactly what Earl had done to me.  I knew first hand how terrible it was, and it was even worse for the fact that I’d done that to someone I cared about.  “Yes, I’ve felt loved,” he continued.  “Up until last night, that is.  Now?  I just see you as confusion.  You’re now the source of the greatest pleasure, and pain, I’ve ever known.  You’re both, and no part of me knows what to make of you.  I’ve heard the speech before, I’ve told you.  So many times I’ve been the supportive friend waiting for a girl to realize what a jerk she’s with.  Only this time, at least you seem to know.  And this time, I’m involved deeper than ever before.”  He concluded by repeating, “I don’t know.”

 “If Earl was gone...  Could you ever come to love me?”

 “Is that what you want?”

 “Yes,” I croaked, my voice broken from all the crying.  How could you have to ask?

 Jay took a deep breath in, let it out slowly.  “Another thing that’s different is you’re not nineteen.  I...  I actually believe you, in spite of how many times I’ve been through this.  Maybe I just want this time to be different.  I can’t believe you don’t know without me telling you, but yes.  Actually, no.  I couldn’t come to love you.  I love you already.  How couldn’t I?”

 I took a moment to revel in the feeling that those words brought before asking, “Because I did this to you?”

 He laughed softly.  “Yeah, this really sucks.  That’s part of how I know I love you.  There’s no way this would hurt so bad, otherwise.  It’s made me angry before, it’s made me feel worthless, but it’s never hurt.  Not like this, anyway.  Not even close.”  As I wept with relief and joy, he held me tighter and kissed the top of my head.  “Just say it, Laura.  Tell me again that you love me, and that it’s us against Earl.”

 I couldn’t believe my ears!  Deal with your damn doubts later, tell the man what he wants to hear!  I leaned back to look him in the eye again, and put my hand to his face.  “Jay, I do love you.  Please, get Earl out of my life.”

 He shook his head, but put his hand over mine to keep it pressed to his stubbly cheek.  “That’s not for me to do.”  He saw my confusion, and explained.  “You have to do it yourself, Laura.  You have to face your fear of him.  If I tell him myself you want him out of your life, well...  You’ve given him every reason to disbelieve me, I’m afraid.  And I hate to say it but I feel like I need you to prove it to me, too.  This is so familiar to me, my mind is filling with doubts.  I know it’s not fair to you.  I’m judging you based on what other girls have done, and it’s not right, but that’s what minds do.  They utilize experience.  Most importantly, you need to do this for yourself.  I think you can see that.  But if you do tell him,” he pulled me to him again, “I will be behind you.  He will never lay a hand on you again, alright?  Don’t be afraid of him.”

 “Easier said than done...”

 “I know.  It’s scary.  Don’t focus on that.  If you really love me, focus on that.”

 I nodded.  I smiled at the new weapon I had in my arsenal.  I loved, and I was loved.  “Jay...  Thank you.  Thank you so much for listening.”

 “Come on.  Let’s go to bed.”

 I knew he wasn’t tired at all, but I was beyond exhausted.  I wondered if he wanted to make love.  I kind of wanted to myself, but aside from being tired it really would have been more of a security thing for me, which wasn’t a good reason.  It didn’t come up.  We undressed, and I fell asleep in his arms with the echo of his voice saying ‘I love you’ traveling through my mind and heart.

Reviews

[Sarah]

I feel as though the dialogue in this chapter doesn't flow as well as the others. One second Jay is angry, then he is calm, but then his anger flares up again. He is certainly confused, but I think his feelings could be exaggerated even more through body language and so forth. For example, if he's still confused and angry, why is he still rubbing her shoulder and holding her. Even though he loves her, I feel as though there should be space or distance between them.

I was shocked when Laura confessed her love to Jay. First the kiss, and now saying those three words. Damn, Laura is a lot bolder than I thought she would be. Good for her, but doesn't necessarily match her characterization. Just try to make it all flow I suppose. Still a good chapter!

[Christopher Miller]

His mind is all over the place, but he does realize he loves her. His body follows his heart, while his thoughts flare up in little rebellions. Neither of them knows just what's going on, so if that confusion passed on to you then I'm satisfied. Similarly, Laura's declaration is indeed out of character, because she's reached a moment where she starts to pursue an old dream or continue to let her life stagnate. For years she's been allowing the situation with Earl to continue, but she no longer can. Not just because of Jay, but Madison is getting too old for it. She's reached one of those points we all get where we have to reevaluate our past behavior and make that call; do we continue to do what we did, or find the strength within ourselves to initiate change?