Survival Games

After affects of a trauma, and trying to come to terms/cope with it.

It's been so long

since I had a night like this.

All these thoughts, 

and memories cycling through my head.

Things I try to put to rest,

but they randomly rise up from the depths.

Trying to pull me under, 

back into who I used to be.

Most days I can go on,

like it never happened.

But it always rises from the ashes

when I least expect it. 

Certain days,

I know it's to be expected,

but today isn't one of them.

Some days, I still have trouble

putting a name to what was done to me.

I find it hard to tell

a single soul

about my psychological hell.

How can I ever properly say

when most won't get in anyways.

Sometimes, I really wished you had hit me.

Then everyone could see

the scars your presence left on me.

I would rather the physical pain

than the poison of your choice.

Slowly it infected me

breaking me a part from the inside out.

Every way to destroy a person's mind

you were so adept at manipulating.

Like a puppeteer tugging on the puppet's strings,

to a tune only they can hear.

You were the master,

 and I was the servant 

bent to your every whim.

How was I to know any better?

Sometimes I question,

if I imagined it all inside my mind

and if any of it is real.

You make me feel like I'm insane

and wrong to have walked away.

But then I remember the fear

and all the mental anguish

you always rain down on my head.

Just because you never

actually laid your hands on me,

doesn't mean that it's not still abuse. 

You were just smart enough

to not leave any evidence

that would get you caught.

No one could possibly know

of the neglect

or verbal assaults and threats.

But what I hate most of all, 

is when I'm sucker punched like this.

Coming out of left field,

and knocking me flat on my a*s.

With no warning bell

or other reasonable cause.

One day I am fine,

and the next I'm falling a part.

And the most twisted part of all is

I still love you,

in spite of what you may think.

I just hate the way you treat me,

you and your mother both.

A parent is supposed to protect their child,

not break them.

Like what you did to me.

Author's Note

Meh, the ending could be better. Couldn't get it how I wanted it. Any thoughts would be much appreciated please and thank-you.

Also keep in mind, most of this was written when I wasn't exactly in the.....best condition.

Song: Hope of Morning By Icon for Hire (not mine, was just listening to it while I wrote most of it)