Breaking Sanity

It's about an 18 year old girl breaking away from an abusive relationship with her mentally-ill mother.

                                                                     

     Catalina Malone was not impressed. She was so not in the mood for this, today was one of the days where all of her emotional barriers were at their weakest and she knew if she wasn’t careful she would break down and cry. And that was her very problem because for her, the next hour was going to be more emotionally taxing than usual and there was no way in seven hells she would be able to go to school after that. All she wanted to do was go home, curl up in bed, fall asleep and stay that way for as long as she could, because she could be whoever she wanted or do whatever she wanted because only in her dreams was she free. Catalina snapped out of her thoughts, not liking the direction they were beginning to take. To distract herself from her thoughts, she allowed her eyes to begin wandering dispassionately around the oh-so-familiar room while waiting for the next hour to begin and to just be over and done with. The first thing she noticed was how small the room actually was, barely all of the furniture in the room fit. How they managed to get the set up of the room so that everything fit and without scratching the dark hardwood floor, she will never know. Her eyes fell on the walls, 2 walls were a deep gold while the other 2 walls were a deep red. All in all, the colours seemed to match the Gryffindor’s house colours to a tee, or so she thought. Catalina vaguely noted that the colours made the room feel very warm and inviting. ‘Tch, to make people lower their guard and then BAM!! Hit them with things they can’t handle or things they know isn’t true but they have to accept it anyways because she ‘knows’ best.’ Catalina thought with a sneer. She forced herself to continue looking around the room lest she start cursing to any deity who might be listening about why being here was not a good idea right now. Catalina’s eyes ended up landing on the door directly across from her, she inwardly sighed in relief when she noticed the person she was waiting for was still making their coffee. Her eyes drifted left from the door only to see a paper shredder, shelves with a printer on top, and then a computer desk with a chair with wheels which was tucked in the corner. All of which were against a gold coloured wall, then her eyes darted to the red wall connected to it, the opposite wall of the door. She noticed a window with a small nightstand-like table with a lamp and two coasters under the window, Catalina also took note how close the table and the computer desk were. Catalina shifted in her seat, her crossed legs had started to become uncomfortable with the way she was sitting on the plush chair. Her chair was beside the table, angled from the corner. To the right of her, there was another table under another window with a matching plush chair on the other side. Her eyes then drifted from the plant in the corner to the book case then to the filing cabinet which was beside the door. Catalina’s eyes finally came to stop on the door again with a start; she didn’t realize McKinnon was standing in the doorway observing her, with the coffees in hand. Catalina immediately averted her eyes to the floor; she hated how McKinnon’s eyes always looked at her with a knowing glint in them. While Catalina was lost in thought, McKinnon quietly strode into the room and handed Catalina her coffee before setting hers down and closing the door. Catalina nodded her head in acknowledgement and replied with a barely audible “Thank-you”. Even though she didn’t want to be here didn’t mean she was going to be a rude b***h about it. Catalina looked up after the sounds of McKinnon getting settled in her seat had stopped. Catalina took notice of how old McKinnon was; she didn’t really look like she was in her late 60’s and boy did she not act it, her behavior and words were of someone much younger but she held the wisdom of those much older. Catalina was snapped out of her thoughts by McKinnon clearing her throat, Catalina realized belatedly that she had been staring and she flushed in embarrassment and averted her eyes to the ground again. Catalina could feel McKinnon’s amusement radiating off of her as she began to scribble on that damn fancy clipboard of hers. ‘O Lord, give me strength to get through this and to not strangle this woman in the process. I am not ready for this, my mind set and emotions are not stable enough for this. If anyone up there is listening, please get me through this without completely breaking.’ Catalina prayed pleadingly to any deity that might be listening. Then she steeled herself with what was left of her quickly fading strength.

     “So I heard from your dad that you had a very…unsettling phone call last night. Tell me about it.” McKinnon stated. Catalina was inwardly cursing up a storm, for once McKinnon wasn’t starting with pleasantries and for once she was setting the topic of what they were going to talk about for the next hour. Catalina inwardly groaned, she did not want to talk about this but it didn’t look like she had much of a choice and for once Catalina was glad that her face wouldn’t give away her thoughts or feelings. She knew how to keep her face emotionless but because of how she was feeling today, she knew that it wouldn’t be hard. She knew that if she wasn’t good at keeping her emotions hidden from her face then her face would show McKinnon just how much she did not want to talk about this. Catalina inwardly sighed and decided to tell her as quickly as possible so that they could move on.

     “Well, relatively late last night my mom called me…” Catalina started slowly. She inwardly winced at the sound of her voice, it was soft and quiet which were the tell-tale signs that she was upset about something. Catalina noticed that the change of her voice was not lost on McKinnon; she started cursing all over again. “My mom was crying and saying how much she needed to hear a friendly voice. She also said some…alarming things that made the red flags go up, I’m pretty sure that she was going to try and commit suicide if I didn’t calm her down. I mean, I should have known something was up the moment dad said mom was on the phone because she almost never calls me but I didn’t notice until she was bawling her eyes out.” Catalina vaguely noticed she was babbling but she didn’t care, she was still quite shaken up about it. She also noticed how neither her voice nor face changed from what it was before; the only thing that did change was at the pace she was talking. Those thoughts quickly flitted away, just as fast as they had come and she continued speaking. “And…and she said some things where I had to bite my tongue hard not to tell her the truth because it wasn’t the time to tell her those things. She needed me and there I was wanting to show my true colours and be a cold-hearted cruel b***h. And I absolutely hate myself for that!!!” Catalina finished, slightly hysterical but her voice never changed from that quiet tone. Her voice held more emotion than it did any other time they spoke. McKinnon was struck by how lost Catalina looked; at that moment McKinnon remembered that she was dealing with a teenager, a child and not the adult that Catalina usually was. McKinnon shook her head to clear her mind ‘Now’s not the time to think about what this girl must go through every day.’ McKinnon’s eyes softened before she tried to console the girl in her own way; it seemed that the usually eerily perceptive Catalina didn’t notice her abnormally long silence and for that, she was grateful.

“Catalina, you are not a cruel girl. It’s normal for people when they are upset to say things that hurt the people around them and it is normal for those people to want to hurt the upset person back. What is not normal is for mother’s to call their seventeen-year old child late at night saying alarming things to them. It is nothing to be ashamed of that what she said had hurt and you wanted to hurt back, but the difference is you didn’t. You are only human Catalina, nothing more can be expected of you and nothing less. Now, tell me who told you that you were a cold-hearted b***h?” McKinnon told her honestly, as was her way.

     Catalina’s lost look disappeared and was instead replaced by a look of remorse “My mom was the one who pointed out how I really am.” Catalina replied listlessly.

     McKinnon immediately stiffened before ordering “Tell me more about your mother.” That is when the last of Catalina’s strength faded and she broke, telling McKinnon everything she knew about her mother. It took almost the entire hour to explain everything and after Catalina had fallen silent, McKinnon began to discuss how their mother-daughter relationship was not normal. How in the relationship, Catalina was the mother and her mother was the daughter. McKinnon also went into some other psycho babble that she tuned out but when McKinnon stopped talking, she tuned in again because she knew this was always the important part of McKinnon’s explanations.

     “Now, as I’ve already told you, your relationship with your mother is not normal and it never will be. She is only your mother in name, nothing more, nothing less. You don’t have to see nor talk to her since she has done nothing for you. This relationship of yours is very unhealthy for you and for her. There is no reason for you to go to the lengths you go to for her because no matter what you do she will never change. Catalina, she doesn’t love you. Do you understand?” McKinnon told her. McKinnon visibly saw Catalina completely deflate; her eyes became distant before filling with unshed tears, tears that were dangerously close to falling. Catalina felt what McKinnon said hit her like a ton of bricks, the pain in her chest wasn’t helping matters any. It felt like her world completely shattered after hearing everything McKinnon said, she could honestly say that everything McKinnon said was true and it all made sense to her. ‘Heh, for once McKinnon hit the nail right on the head.’ Catalina thought bitterly. “It’s ok to cry you know” McKinnon said gently but she knew how stubborn the girl was, she knew she wouldn’t cry in front of her. Catalina slowly shook her head.

     “I understand” Catalina started, resigned “and I know”. McKinnon’s eyebrow rose at the girl’s admission, she didn’t think it would be this easy to make the headstrong girl to see the truth. “I’ve always kind of thought that, it’s nice to hear that I’m not going crazy.” Catalina finished her voice full of pain, sorrow and longing. Her tears had long since vanished from her eyes, but she looked so weary. McKinnon watched as her patient aged in front of her; the girl’s eyes looked too old and world weary, like she lived too many years and had been through way too much.

     McKinnon’s eyes glanced at the clock; there was nothing more she could do for the girl right now. She had another patient coming in half an hour and she needed to wrap this up.

“Well, our hour seems to be up but before we end this, I need to assign you your homework, alright?” McKinnon asked with a smile. Catalina just tiredly nodded her head in agreement, and to show she was listening. “You are not to see nor talk to your mother in any way, shape, or form, until our next session six weeks from now.” McKinnon ordered. Catalina balked at McKinnon’s order, she would do it but it didn’t mean it was going to be any less hard for her. She numbly sat there as her psychologist, and her dad wrapped everything up. She barely registered leaving McKinnon’s house or getting in the truck, it wasn’t until they were almost to Hanover when she snapped out of it. Luckily she had her poetry writing book and a pencil with her, so she wrote and wrote about all of the things her mother had done to her. She wrote down her sorrow, her pain, she wrote and wrote until she was too tired to write anymore. She wrote until she couldn’t.

     Catalina found the first week went by without incident. She had been doing well on what McKinnon had told her to do, although she found her eyes continually straying to the phone, she did not once call or see her mother. She was proud of herself for that, but she had a sinking feeling that the next five weeks were going to be hell.

     The second week went by a lot like the first, except her mother had called her three times. The first time Catalina almost picked up but she remembered and ignored the ringing. The second time, her father had picked up the phone and he had lied about his daughter being out with friends. He knew about her homework and he was going to make damn sure that she did as she was told. The third time, she only left a message and that was that.

     Catalina was ready to go insane after the third week. Whenever her mother figured she would be home, she would call 6 times after school and three times an hour on the weekends; from 10 a.m. until 8 p.m. She was guessing that her mother began doing this when she realized she wasn’t going to answer her messages. Whenever the phone would ring, Catalina would clamp her hands over her hears and whimper, hoping for it to go away. The constant ringing was beginning to give her headaches. All she wanted to do was cry but she couldn’t. No matter what she did, she could always hear the ringing of the phone, even in her dreams. She couldn’t escape her mother, especially in her dreams and she knew it.

     By the end of the fourth week, Catalina was about ready to give up. Not only did the phone calls persist, but she was even getting Facebook and e-mail messages from her mother every day. The titles of the messages were not very appealing; for once Catalina was actually scared. She deleted them without reading them but it didn’t do anything to quell the fear that was beginning to bubble in her stomach. Belatedly she remembered her mother had two guns with ammo, and her boyfriend had about eight guns, and not just your everyday guns either. Sure they had the normal hunting guns but they also had hand guns. She wasn’t one to usually one to forego planning the next steps. After all, by the time she was 12 she knew she couldn’t have kids, by the time she was 15 she knew her clinically insane uncle would try to kill her if it wasn’t for his fear of her dad or she would become manic-bipolar like her mother. She knew that her future was not going to be a bright one and now she had to add another to the list of most likely futures: her mother may just kill her. A manic-bipolar woman when she’s extremely upset and pissed off, with access to guns equals a very deadly combo. Now, Catalina wasn’t afraid of dying, not by a long shot but she was terrified of what a mentally unstable woman might do to the people close to her. She could handle dying, but having her friends and family hurt or killed because of her is not something she could handle, even in the after life. She also knew what the repercussions of her death would be but she wasn’t going to go there. She has no illusions about her life or future anymore, and she dreaded that one of those futures may happen sooner than she would have liked…

     The fifth week came and went, and Catalina was so very tired. She was cursing her mother to the deepest fiery depths of hell right about now. Her mother had dragged some of her other relatives into this. She had two of her cousins constantly messaging her over Facebook about her mother; all Catalina could do was delete them. Plus her grandmother started calling. Catalina knew if she answered her grandmother, her grandmother would force her to call her mother or tell her mother so that she would call her. Then she’d have no excuse not to answer. She and her father had given up on communication with the outside world. They decided to let the phones go dead so they wouldn’t have to hear that accursed ringing anymore.

     All of this started to affect her health; her appetite had started to disappear and she couldn’t even look at food without feeling sick any more. Catalina would just come home from school and sleep, when she was home she hardly left her room any more. Her father wasn’t lost on the fact that his computer addicted daughter hadn’t touched the computer for an entire weekend. She realized that being in her room all the time was giving her way too much time to think, but she was beyond caring. She was no fool, she could tell this was beginning to take a harsh toll on her and that her sanity may just be slipping away from her. She could tell that the pressure might just be her ticket to the hospital, like what she had previously been threatened with in the past. The sleep depravation wasn’t helping either. She slept almost all the time but every time she slept she would be plagued with nightmares involving an overly pissed off woman, weapons, and phone’s ringing off the hooks. Usually she would call them strange dreams because Catalina doesn’t have nightmares, but this was the exception. Her sleep was always very restless, waking up more tired than when she went to bed, she had finally given up on sleeping.

     The sixth week was by far the most difficult for Catalina. One day after school, she got off the bus and began walking home. She was half-way there when she realized a vehicle was in her driveway that should not be there, it was her mother’s. Catalina froze and turned in the opposite direction, there have been very few times where Catalina has ever turned tail and run and this was one of those times. She ran a block and turned down a road that she knew her mother wouldn’t drive down. She ran and ran until her asthma kicked in and forced her to stop, after catching her breathe she briskly continued walking. She didn’t slow down until she reached the cemetery, she continued passed there to Denny’s dam. She didn’t start heading home until after eight o’clock and then she got one of the worst verbal lashings of her life from her dad for coming home so late. She told him why and he apologized. She was just glad she had nothing important due the next day in school.

      On a beautiful Saturday afternoon, Catalina heard someone walk in the front door and a very familiar, female voice angrily shout. Her stomach dropped, and she knew she couldn’t avoid this anymore. Her mother’s furious stomping around the house was an indicator that her time had almost run out. Catalina steeled her resolve and dredged up all the strength that she could muster to face this; she got off her bed and crept out of her bedroom. She stealthily walked down the hallway, the atmosphere of the house as cold and unwelcoming as usual and even more so with the looming, and possibly deadly, confrontation ahead. Her eyes laid on the enraged female and she had all of two seconds before she was roughly pushed into a wall. Her mother’s eyes were absolutely livid as she clutched onto Catalina’s upper arms and shook her. Catalina’s head and back often thudded against the wall as her mother yelled at her while shaking her.

     “How dare you!” She raged “After everything I’ve done for you, you ignore me you ungrateful whelp! How could I have given birth to such a selfish, cruel, cold-hearted girl! If I knew you were going to turn out like this I would’ve put you up for adoption or I would’ve gotten an abortion!” Her eyes were merciless. “Now answer me. Why. Have. You. Been. Ignoring. Me?” She growled at Catalina, as each word of the question was punctuated by Catalina’s head bouncing off the wall. Her mother’s grip was sure to leave bruises on Catalina’s arms.

     “My psychologist told me not too until after our next session,” She replied simply before continuing dryly. “I was doing fine until someone decided to show up, the next session is on Monday too.” All Catalina’s response seemed to do was enrage her mother even further. She felt a little bit of satisfaction because that was the first time she ever got to tell her mother what she really thought, and it felt great.

     “You…you…” Her mother spluttered, her rage hindering what she was going to say before she exploded. “How could you? How could you do what a stranger tells you? You’re my daughter; I can see or talk to you whenever I want!!” Catalina winced at the volume and her mother’s grip. It also didn’t help her head and back was throbbing from the repeated meetings with the wall. Her mother shook in rage and raised her right hand, back handing Catalina clear across the face with a resounding smack. Catalina’s head had whipped to the side with the force of the blow, her eyes frozen in a state of shock. She felt something beginning to slide down her face; she raised her left hand and gently brushed them against her raw cheek. She brought her fingers in front of her face to examine it and her eyes narrowed. The wet substance on her cheek was blood. It seemed her mother’s ring shredded her cheek with the blow. Catalina slowly faced her mother again and took a deep breath, trying hard not to release her anger at her mother for hitting her. Her mother’s eyes were wide with shock, but no apology or remorse was in her expression.

     “Now, if that is all, would you please get the hell out of my house?” Catalina said calmly.

 
    “Hmph. Fine. I never want to see or talk to you again, and I refuse to pay for anything for you anymore. Since you’re an adult now, you can pay for everything yourself.” Her mother sneered before turning on her heel and walking out the door, slamming it on her way out. Catalina grinned temporarily ignoring the dull pain from her cheek, she was proud of how it went. She knew it could have been a lot worse and she was glad it didn’t turn out that way. She was very proud of how she handled it, it felt like she was a lot lighter. She felt free. Catalina sauntered into the bathroom and winced when she saw her cheek ‘Ooooo that’s gonna leave one helluva nasty mark. Dad is not gonna be happy, I’m gonna be getting so many questions for this one.’ She thought; annoyed but first she decided to treat her still bleeding cheek. ‘I can’t wait to tell Dr. McKinnon, I’m free.’

     After her battle wounds were treated, she went to her room. She collapsed on her bed and fell asleep, unconcerned with her future or the other things going on in her life.

     It was the best sleep she’d had in years.