Empty Shadows #43

He was me, he was you ...

Empty Shadows

Forty-Three

Draft 2

By: Chase L. Currie

 

There was a man with no tears

                He was not lost

Nor was he found

                He strolled out into the dark woods

Looking for a hanging tree

                He had a chipped tooth

A longing stare from those hellish grounds

                Loved nothing but the Devil’s tea

All hope for tomorrow faded

                With the drifting snow

 

There was a man with no tears

                He was not lost

Found the monster sitting under the hanging tree

                Stitched together in a swirling mess

Of her loveless whispers

                He sat next to the crying monster

They whispered nothing to each other

                He came back to me

Holding something in his weaken hands

                He came back to you

Reaching towards us to show the broken rabbit

                With a broken foot

Bloody ear

                Begging me, begging you

‘Save it,

                Save it.’

Reviews

[Lisasview]

Oh gosh...after reading this I exclaimed aloud.."What the Heck!!!!" "What the Heck!!"
Would really love to understand what your poem..thoughts are all about..
I can probably make up something..but your lines do not run smoothly to make sense..at least to me..
I am great with metaphors..but at a loss here... I see that this is a draft..
The first 10 lines seem more connected. Especially lines 9 and 10..
I always like to be honest with my reviews so I do hope I have not offended you in any way...
Lisa, thinking in Spain

[CLCurrie]

The idea, I guess, and it late when I'm writing, came from me thinking about a friend who hung himself and my best friend's kid finding a hurt rabbit in the words. So, I wounder if my friend who hung himself would have found the baby rabbit if he would have come back to the house to save it rather then take his own life.

[Lisasview]

Okay, so I am thinking that somehow you need to say this more clearly..Maybe bringing in the son...
I actually really like your idea for your poem... and what you just wrote to me would work as a poem...
Best friend hung himself
same time son found a hurt bunny (was the bunny under the best friends body?)
If best friend found hurt bunny would he have killed himself or taken the bunny back to the house?
If you break up your story into segments you can express yourself more clearly...even using metaphors if needed.
Just my thoughts, Lisa in Spain

[CLCurrie]

I very much agree here the poem could be a lot clearer, thank you for the help

[Lisasview]

You are more than welcome..I usually do not make so many suggestions because i am never sure how they will be taken...but your idea was quite good so I decide to put in my 2 cents...
Lisa, working on my poems

[Ken e Bujold]

CL I have to agree with my dear friend Lisa. While I can see a certain storyline, it's far too jumbled to flow with any real understanding. There are some very intriguing lines and ideas hanging around (pun not intended)but I suspect most if not all readers are going to just stumble through, not truly knowing what it is they stumbled upon.
I'd love to see you take a scalpel to this poem, and really carve something out of it, because I do believe there's something here, I just can't grasp it yet.
If you are remotely interested in what I think, I offer to send you a mail with my analysis and suggestions for how I'd carve this into a coherent poem

Ken e