Day 1 08/14/2021

"And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone—" “Alone” by Edgar Allan Poe

The Tiny House Runaway

Day 1 (Really the only day I did any writing on this)

08/14/2021

 

“Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it.”

-          Charles Bukowski

 

“Do it or don’t do it - you will regret both.”
- Soren Kierkegaard

 

“I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.”

-          Pablo Neruda

 

 

I have this daydream, at least; I think it is a daydream; I’m not too sure about it sometimes. Maybe, it is me seeing into the future, or maybe, it is me being endless, hopefully about what is to come. But I can’t help thinking about the silly dream all day long sometimes. To fully understand the daydream, you have to understand I’m a bit of a romantic at heart. The idea of true love is something I work with all the time. I blame my parents for this because they have shown me what it means to be deeply in love with someone for years. They have shown me what it means when you agree to live your life with others.

                Maybe that is why I tend to keep to myself so very much. It is easier being alone. It is harder being alone as well. It feels like the great snake eating its tail. The loneliness never ends, but I see the gift of it all when faced with people.

                A circle spinning and spinning, and there is no good place for it to stop because -

                Well, Hell, because you are under it one way or another.

                I’m heading to work in the daydream but swing by my lover’s job to steal a kiss before rushing out again. The whole dream is me going to steal a kiss from a lovely dame trapped inside my head.

                A simple dream.

                A lovely one if you ask me.

                Of course, one would rightfully say to me,… my cool cat, that is an easy dream to have come true. They are not wrong, and I’m sure it is an easy dream for most people or is it? I have yet to meet someone who hasn’t walked away from a relationship with some serious damage. The game of love has been played hard for many people in this life, and I swear I have met them all.

                I like you being among those wounded soldiers. We could sit at the table over a beer chatting about the war and the damage or say nothing at all, trying to hide from the dead. But we know we are still dealing with such pains.

                We might be dealing with them for the rest of our lives. The people we have allowed in our lives do not leave once they are gone. Once they walk away, they only leave the ghost of their memories behind, and those memories can be worse than death itself. Because those little whispers of the dead relationship do well to point out the damage caused by someone, we gave our heart away, never to be the same. Tragic.

                Yeah, yeah, I’m still dealing with some wounds here. You see it. I see it; let’s move on.

                Did you know loneliness is the biggest problem in our country at the moment? More people talk about how they feel alone in life than anything else. Men speak about how it is hard to find women who want to have a relationship (more than sex). At the same time, women speak about how it is hard to find men, who are, well, men and not little boys playing games. Loneliness is the plague of our world.

                Normally when faced with something like this, I tend to retreat into books. Or to find a new way of facing it, and one was the Stoics of old. They speak on the matter of loneliness quite a bit and how being alone is, in fact, the normal state of life. Being love, having some to ride or die with, is rare in life.

                We have built fairy tales around the idea of soul mates and true love, and there is someone out there for everyone. We have made endless movies about the happy ever after and so on. We turn around from the nightmarish truth that loneliness is a part of our lives more than being with someone.

                I am not sure it is a comfort to anyone to know this to be the case. I am not sure it makes me feel any better but in an odd kind of way it reminds me I’m not alone in my loneliness in an odd way. We are all looking for someone to seal the deal on our loneliness for a bit, but we know we can’t run from it forever.

                And yet, what about my daydream, hm? I have many more of them like them I live in. Calling up a lover asking them if they want to go on an adventure.

                Where to?

                Nope, you do not get to ask where to. It is either a yes or no. You’ll be along for the ride.  

                Sometimes, it might be as simple as going to get dinner or a walk in the park. It would be a bit grander other times, like spending the day looking at art or going to the mountains for a hike. The idea of it would be us spending time together out in the world.

                I have been okay with being alone for a long time now. I have kind of accept it as a gift more than a curse. I am a person who can easily find myself wrapped up in someone else. My drug isn’t smoking, pills, or a needle but lovely eyes I can get lost in like the blue sky. I’m an all-in or all-out kind of guy. It has caused me a lot of grief over the years. So, telling myself the state I am in now was something to bring me comfort. (It brings me more comfort than it should, I guess.)

                After all, I don’t have anything to offer anyone else. Bring someone into my life wouldn’t be fair to them because there isn’t much here. I don’t have money. I’m not that good with emotions, and my bed is on the floor, but I guess I have pretty words. I have a bit of a silver tongue, one might say.

                I know this to be true, life is lonely, and this is the state of things more than likely. True, but I also like to believe in fairy tales. My soul mate might not be out there in real life, but I’m a writer, darling; I live in made-up places.

 

With a tip of the hat,

Chase