First Time

The first time I feel in love was, not as glamorous as romance movies make it out to be

I met the girl online in a chatroom, and I lied about my age because she was literate, a quality that I didn’t want to lose because of the amount of times I’ve been alive while the earth revolved around the sun

A few months later, we developed feelings for each other

And with those feelings, comes the need to express them past words, but rather actions and, more private actions, catch my drift?

However, by the time that this conversation rolled around, I hadn’t let the cat out of the bag about my dirty secret

To prepare for the night that we planned, I was taking a lukewarm shower, though I remember none of it

All I could remember is the devil and the angel on my shoulder arguing back and forth whether I should tell her that I wasn’t 17 but rather 15

Would it be better for me to go through with it, guilt eating me alive during everything

Or would it be better for me to come clean, and let her decide

I settled on the latter

The hours leading up to the call where we planned to first make virtual love dragged heavily, like the lead ball strapped to a prisoner’s ankle who was jailed for stealing a heart

Finally, the time came around, and I had a typed admission for her

When we first exchanged our meaningless chitchat, she could tell with the waver in my voice, and the dread in my eyes, that something was off

So I began reciting what I had written

Though it was forced, like the key to her heart being ripped from my throat

I could feel the burning sensation, and I can still feel it at this very moment

I couldn’t read, this was something that had to come naturally

So I told her that I was 15, and that I love her

That was all I could lay on the table before I cried hysterically over the belief that she, the only person that gave me a reason to live, the only thing that made me happy in life, would leave me

She lied; She was 16, not 18

The feeling that came over me could only be described as that same prisoner being released from the prison that they spent so long in

I couldn’t push out anything before I cried hysterically again

Not from sadness, but from happiness

Happiness that I had no more secrets

Happiness that WE had no more secrets

Happiness that we had cleared the air of the smog of loving deceit

That was when I first fell in love

For reference, we started dating in June of 2015

On March 14, 2016, she ripped my heart to shreds and stomped upon the remains when she broke up with me

Saying it was for the better

Saying it was better for me

Saying it was better for her

Saying nothing because she was too busy crying about it while breaking up with me

Saying that she will always love me

Saying that she’s not with another guy

Saying that she’s not dating her best friend that she got drunk with one night and kissed

So whenever somebody asks me if I have ever fallen in love:

I tell them no

Rewind to December 29, 2015

About that same girl

It was with that long distance girlfriend whom I had met in person for the first time after 9 months of dating

And I don’t know how much you all know about being unable to touch someone whom you’ve loved and cared about so deeply for 9 whole months, but let me try to describe it to you

Every single day away from her was like a spring being pushed down

The fall of the slick black sky capped off a Skype call and put a cap on that compressed spring

Repeat the process for 274 days, and there’s a lot of tension, frustration, and lust between both of us

The only issue was: my mother and two sisters were in the other room of the hotel and the only thing that separated my now ex-lover and I from them was a tall pair of saloon-like, non-locking doors

We were getting intimate

Not in a sexual way, but exchanging meaningless sentiments that have been rallied back and forth for such a long time period

Touching each other’s thighs, just hinting that we both wanted to ravish each other’s bodies as quietly as we could as to not let my family become aware of the sins that they were fully aware were to happen

The details of the image, now months out of focus, are quite fuzzy

All I remember is me lying down on my back while she sucked so harshly on my neck that I thought she was a vampire about to suck the blood of passion from my jugular

Soon thereafter her lips rose up like a magician’s act, because the moment was magical

That was the moment that I got my first kiss

Immediately followed by my first sloppy make-out session

It was a sensation that I never felt, and I haven’t felt since

It wasn’t lust, it was love coming together, no pun intended, so vividly and so naturally

It was completing me

The lip work soon became handwork

Her hand laced with a numbing agent, I will swear that to this day, to prevent me from feeling her touch

So much so that I had to check to see that she was actually giving me a French Handshake

My hand was much purer than hers, without the wax that would prevent her from experiencing pleasure

So she didn’t have to wait 3 whole days to relieve the burning pain from being turned on like a car, and breaking down in the middle of the race

So now my life is a perpetual stop sign because no woman, I am convinced, can give me any type of pleasure

Fast forward a few months

It’s the day before I get off of break and start school up again

The work load, I’ve been told, will get much harder

I’m beyond stressed and I can’t sleep

Then I remember, my mom bought me a pack of double-edged razor blades for a magic trick a long while back

I take one out of its sheath

“I can’t do this

I’m not like this

This isn’t me”

I tell myself, all while teasing my arm with the tickling of the sharp corner

During that foreplay, the metal square decides to show me what happens when you play with fire

The small, intentional cut sent shivers throughout my entire body

And during those five seconds, I felt nothing other than a physical pain

It was the entire ocean evaporating when I’ve been drowning my entire life

But, very soon after, that feeling faded

So “one more” didn’t turn into the dozens as it had in the future

It was, however, more than a few

Each one gave me a release from the bleak reality that I faced every single waking second of my entire life

So go ahead, tell me that if the only escape from the hell that burns your flesh alive every moment of every day was a quick flick of a razor, that you wouldn’t do the same thing

Fast forward a few more months

I was buying marijuana for my older sister as a pain killer for her constant chest pain that she’s had for the past year and a half

The people I was with, I hold my tongue with the word “friends”, had some

They offered me to smoke it

The light in my eyes was brighter than the red embers in the abused bowl that my shaky hand pressed to my lips 4 times exactly

I felt nothing

I get driven back to my house, still waiting for it to kick in

I find myself running rampant through my closet, trying to find clothes that take the stench of the herb away from them

I find myself frantically running through my bathroom, trying to freshen up before my 2 and a half political service hours that I needed to leave for in 25 minutes

I go to my sister’s room

I give her her supply and I tell her, and I quote, “I’m so high right now”

Little did I know that I was lying

Because the next moment I remember was when I slapped my right cheek with my right hand

A gesture that will wake you out of a horrifying nightmare or used as a way to tell someone that something is like a dream

It’s never used as an emergency call

And I was put to voicemail

I was being dragged away from the reality that I needed to be in so desperately by a demon that didn’t give a damn

Every 3 seconds I yanked myself away from its grasp, returning to my original place, no clue as to what happened before that time

Had I known that the weed that I put into my trachea would turn my life into a living nightmare for the next four and a half hours

I would’ve still done it

Because it was a hell of a lot better than what my reality is

Author's Note

Pardon the indentations. They're simply there to help identify if a single line was too long to fit on one line.

Reviews

[APOORVA]

The first time I feel in love was, not as glamorous as romance movies make it out to be
I met the girl online in a chatroom, and I lied about my age because she was literate, a quality that I didn’t want to lose because of the amount of times I’ve been alive while the earth revolved around the sun

inquisitively cute.


I tell myself, all while teasing my arm with the tickling of the sharp corner
During that foreplay, the metal square decides to show me what happens when you play with fire
The small, intentional cut sent shivers throughout my entire body
And during those five seconds, I felt nothing other than a physical pain
It was the entire ocean evaporating when I’ve been drowning my entire life...
CAPTIVATING IS THE WORD FOR YOU

[B]

Most girls know when you lie online
they just let it go
to get close
but are more careful .....
Loving someone when you are so young
It sure has all those roller coaster moments

Be safe .... cool write :)

[A.L.]

This makes me ache.

A boy just trying to escape reality by any means possible. And let me guess, the running isn't working and you aren't fast enough. All you have left to choose from is pain or numbness. I don't know which is worse.

Painful, but I liked it.

[Tony Jordan]

It reads more like a story than a poem, to me.
Having said that the premise - the bad trip (relatively speaking) is powerful in it's imagery.

[CK_85]

It is spoken word, so if I were to perform it, it would be a lot better. xD

[Tony Jordan]

I never heard a thing...
:S

[Brooklyn]

This is incredibly good. It was written beautifully and the flow of words went very smoothly. I didn't understand some of it sometimes, but that was it. I loved it.

[CK_85]

What didn't you understand? Just curious.

[Brooklyn]

The way you made your words flow is magnificent. But I'm not used to your format, you can say.
So there are times when you change 'scenes' I don't really know you did [change scenes] until a later line. Also I need to expand my vocabulary. But alll in all I think it's amazing.

[CK_85]

I can understand that. Let me see if I can make the scene changes easier to read.