The Will of a Mentally Unstable Sadist

A Story by CK_85

A sadist determines the division of his property once he dies in a unique way.

The Last Will and Testament of [REDACTED]

I, [REDACTED], affirm the validity of the following statements:

-I am over the age of eighteen

-I am writing this in sound mind, on my own accord, and not as a result of any duress

-My address is [DATA EXPUNGED]

-This Last Will and Testament revokes any and all previous wills and/or codicils

The executor of this will shall be my spouse. However, if upon my death my spouse is by any means incapable and/or distraught in fulfilling this Last Will and Testament, the executor shall be [REDACTED].

The beneficiaries are to be my spouse, my eldest son, my youngest son, my daughter, and any citizen of the general population; be it resolved that the latter beneficiary is only permitted to be such if and only if their eligibility is signified and their desire to be a beneficiary is present. If all of the appointed beneficiaries do not have the desire to receive any given asset, then that particular asset is to be set ablaze and the ashes to be cursed by a Haitian Vodou priestess before the ashes are buried seventeen feet under sea level. If any asset fulfills the aforementioned requirements, though it is not tangible, that asset is to be destroyed by any means that the executor find suitable, given that the method does not benefit an individual nor party. My children who are under the age of eighteen, which includes my youngest son and daughter, are to have the executor of this will as their designated guardian. If neither the appointed executor nor the one to take the executor's place under the aforementioned requirements are willing to be their guardian, or if one child is to reach the age of eighteen, then the children are to be considered independents in the eyes of the law. To symbolize the latter statement, the children are to be rendered unconscious and relocated to [REDACTED], where they must survive for twelve full months before making any attempt at reconnecting with civilization.

The process by which the assets shall be divided will follow the asset in question, the two separated by a dash. The chosen beneficiaries to possibly claim the asset will be clearly stated after the asset, but before the process by which it will be divided.

Real Estate - Only my spouse and sons are permitted to receive my real estate, which is defined, for all intents and purposes of the will, as my house and the land designated for it. It will not include anything in the house that was not included in the original floor plans. Whoever, from the beneficiaries listed, is able to draw the most blood by volume from a live, healthy, fifty kilogram cow with a single fifteen centimeter slice of a fifteen centimeter long blade will inherit all real estate as previously mentioned.

M3 - All of the M3 in my possession will be given to the appointed beneficiary, who will use it as (s)he sees fit. Those beneficiaries will include my spouse, all of my children, and the general population. Whoever is able to relinquish the most flesh from their own body, by weight, over the course of ninety seconds, by any means necessary, will inherit the totality of the M3 in my possession.

Valuables - My valuables, which will include any handmade trinkets, china, delicate fabrics, any individual object (not including real estate) who's value is over one thousand United States Dollars, and any other item that the executor labels as a valuable, shall be dispersed among the beneficiaries, which will include my spouse and children, by due process. This said process will be whoever can stay conscious for the longest time while withstanding traditional crucifixion. Under no circumstances shall any form of subsistence nor stimulant be administered during the ordeal.

Non-Valuables - Only the general population will be able to inherit any non-valuable items, which will be defined as any item in my possession that does not constitute itself in any of the previous categories. Each item is to be assigned a number between one and ten, that which will be derived from how valuable the item is, and the executor shall make that judgement. To inherit any given non-valuable item, the individual in desire of the particular item must have the number assigned to the item fingernails removed with a pair of pliers. The fingers may be of the beneficiary's choosing, though if they relinquish that said right, the executor will make the decision for them.

If the onset of death or any grave injury during the process of inheriting any of the aforementioned items occurs, then that item will go to the next able candidate. If none of the candidates are able to receive the asset, then that particular asset shall be processed as if none of the candidates had the will to receive it. If any two or more candidates are both equally qualified as indicated by the results of the due process for that particular asset, then that due process is to repeat until one candidate is determined as more sufficiently qualified.

I, [REDACTED], affirm that this will is valid and of my wishing.