Her

Stressed, Scared and alone. What will she do?

Her--

She walks into her room with a cigarette in one hand and her phone in the other. Her hand flings a white stick into the trash can and makes the shot. She has her music blasting from her headphones, one of her new favorites, Stitches by Shawn Mendes. She loves having her music loud because she can’t hear the world fall apart around her. She closes the door behind her and locks it. Her room is a mess: papers and clothes all over. Her guitar lays on her bed next to the wall of papers with pencil marks all over them. She opens her dresser,that’s next to the door, and lifts up one of her many black shirts, then starts to panic.

“Where is it?” she ask herself as she closes the dresser with force.

“What if they found it?” she says worried what her parents might do if they did.

She looks under her bed and finds a small metal box and sighs with relief. She sits on her bed and sets her headphones down next to her and puts out her cigarette. Her hand traces the box under the bed and pulls it out. She places it next to her and the headphones. She looks at the top and sees red prints across the sides and by the lock. Her fingers trace across the marks as she opens the lock and the box. Slowly, she pulls out a small piece of metal, which you can tell was silver, Now the former sliver has red stains like the metal box, but richer. She thinks about what she's doing and ends up letting herself go. She lets the object kiss her soft skin. It goes deeper, drawing a line as though her skin like words on a sheet of paper.It slowly draws the life out of her. She does it again, harder and slower so she can feel the pain. The pain of the bad memories of her life holds. She knows she should get help, but what was the point?

The thought of her ex-boyfriend flowed through her mind like water. She cuts herself fast to get the ugly thought out. She hated him for what he did to her. She was madly in love with him, but as the relationship ended she felt used. She was too in love with him to see that she was being controlled by him. She fell into his every command, bowing down to his every need. She still loves him, but knows he’s no good for her. She wanted to be with him forever. He was the right one, so she thought. She gave everything to him: her time, her love, her heart, her soul and her virginity. Everything was gone. She lost everything keeping her together. What did she have left to live for? The pain went through her veins again with the blood followed by tears from her blue-green eyes.

What was she doing? She had people who cared about her, but she was just to stupid and blind to see it. She only wanted one person in her life and now he was gone. He only keeps coming back for sex. He acts as though he wants to help, but it just makes the matter worse. Her skin stings under the metal object. She wanted to go into rehab three years ago before he showed his face into her life. He acted like he cared and wanted to listen to her. Her heart opened to him then. No one ever managed to get into it the way he did. He managed to put a spell on her that she could never break. Red flows from her skin onto the bed as she cries louder. What caused him to leave? Right it was her. Everything was her fault. She couldn't ever be happy and couldn't be happy with someone. She missed him very much. She drops the metal object, but if he was still around he wouldn't want her to do this. She looks at her phone and sees a Facebook message, it's from him. It ask if she was okay and if she wanted to get food with him that night. She knew it was a bad idea, she told him no. Yet the messages poured in as he kept asking and begging. He was begging for her. He wanted to be with her. She wanted to be with him. She finally said she will, but he needed to pick her up. She rushed to make herself look better. She cleaned up the red on her skin and slipped on a long sleeve sweater. Why was he contacting her the day before their 1 year anniversary? She didn't have time to question it.

He showed up to her house half an hour later in his sporty car. She smiled at the sight of the car. She climbed into his car and said hi. She couldn’t even bring herself to look at him. “S**t this was going to be hard,” she thought. She just kept looking out the window and they talked not looking at each other until they got to the food place. She loved this place after they went to it following what she thought was date night. She stepped out of the car and ended up looked at him, her heart broke into pieces. “He's so hot and I won't find anyone like him,” she thought wanting to cry. She grabbed her arm and looked down, she wasn't going to let him see her cry again.

That night left a bruise on her heart. She constantly relived it over and over again, with every guy she meets the past comes around. She was laying on his bed smiling at him acting like a goof. She was on some new medication she knew nothing about, but she was feeling the side effects. He climbed on top of her still smiling and leaning down kissing her gently. His hand slowly moved down her chest, to her stomach and then to her pelvis. She pushed him off and stared at him.

“No” she mumbles still looking at him.

Hostility.

“Why?” he asked questionably, knowing she’s lying through my teeth.

This was their bonding time, it was there way of saying they were meant to be together.

“I’m not in the mood tonight babe,” she looks down at her hands.

“Whatever” he said pissed off and he walked away.

She went after him to hug him but he pushed her to the floor, her head hit the wall and her shoulder where his hand was started to bruise. He walked off and she starting crying and having a panic attack. “This is it, we are done” she mumbled under her sob. She went downstairs with her bag and put it next to the door. She went into his backyard and was sitting on the stairs crying as she texted her dad to pick her up. She was done, this was it. She loved him but was done holding him down.

His hands clapped in front of her face.

“Hello” he yelled in my face.

“What,” she said as if she was just woken up “,oh sorry, zoned out”.

“That’s nothing new” He said as we walked up the the doors of the building.

There was a line, there always was at the place around eleven at night. All the drunks love getting some greasy food, at least she does. He held the door open for her. He's still a true gentleman, she laughed to herself. They jumped into the line and waited to order. The line moves fast and in less than five minutes they are helped. She orders something small and he orders two hot dogs. He pays and they head back to his Mazda. They talked and she pretended to eat her food, picking at it and playing with it. She didn't want to eat in front of him, she just wanted to go home and forget this idea. He finished and she wrapped up her food and put it in her bag. "What do you want to do now?" He asked her in his voice with a smirk. She knew that smirk, it was the smirk of “are you going to f**k me now or later”. No.

"I don't know. The park?" She said. Or you can take me home, she thought.

The park was close to her house, so if she wanted to she could flee. It was nearby for an easy escape. He said alright and drove to the park. He decided to pop some flames out his tail pipe. “He's such a show off, popping flames, cool LED headlights. Like what the hell?” she thought. He never went through this with her. He was never the show off type of guy, but here he is enjoying himself and like before when he was happy--when she was happy. They got to the park and ended up talking more. It was past midnight and the park was already closed. No one was around so it was quiet, what she liked. She liked being alone to draw or listen to her music and forget the day. She ended up smiling and letted her feelings out. She talked about what bugged her at the end of the relationship and they talked like normal human beings. Like she was friends with him again; the guy she knew before she the guy she dated. He was two different people. He was the definition of two faced.

"I never meant to hurt you" he says staring at her, almost looking into her soul.

"Well you did," she says remembering all that happened that day. "You broke up with me over text! Who does that?" Tears flow down her eyes. "You broke up with me because of the anxiety attack I had that one night".

"I'm sorry" he says.

That's all he could ever say--he's sorry. He doesn't do anything to fix the matter. Sorry doesn't cut the hurt she went through that day at school. She cried the whole day and went home early just because she was so depressed. She looks off into the distance where the sun was, only now replaced by the moon. She cries more and without thinking goes to him and hugs him tight.

"What? You can't hug back" she says under her sobs. After all she loved the feeling of his arms wrapping around her body.

"Well, I don't have a girlfriend, so why not?" he says as his arms wrapped around her body.

The thought made her giggle. They both haven't moved on from each other. They both tried dating after their relationship, him first, but both failed and they both came back to each other. She can't stand how much she wants him back, but she knows it's wrong. She slowly backs away from his embrace and sits down on the metal sheets on the playground. He soon came to join her. She misses the thought of them cuddling on the couch at his house and watching a movie. She smiles at the thought and, as if he read her mind, he smiles too. That beautiful smile, she melts under it, how she wishes she could kiss his lips again. She shakes her head as fast as the thought came up. Yes she loves him, but knows that she can do better and all he wants at this point is to get his dick wet. She hates the thought of what she became, a B class w***e. How she wishes she can take back the year she spent loving this guy. Her face changes from happiness to depression, what is she going to do?

She shows her boredom and starts tickling him and he laughs and grabs her hands. She stops and looks at him, she places her forehead on his and they look at each other. She places her hand on the side of his face and he closes his eyes. She was falling in his trap, and she knew it. She backed off and looked at the sky of stars. She can’t risk this, her blood isn't the only blood flowing through her. She closed her eyes, she didn't want any of this. She felt his hand move to her tigh, “f**k” she thought. She sighed and climbed on top of him and placed her hands on his chest and slowly moved down.

"So, how much does this miss me?" She ask with a sly smile like the Chester cat.

"Why don't you find out?" He smiles looking at her pulling her hand away so he can unbutton and unzip his pants.

What was she doing? It was the stupid spell he puts her under. The spell she can't push away. Her heart opens up to him as she kisses his forehead.

An hour past and they somehow ended up in his car. She was laying on the seat with him staring down at her, sweat pours down from his face.

"Guess it missed me," she says looking at him. He slightly smiles then climbs off her. Taking his place in the driver’s seat. He looks disappointed. They both regretted this trap they put themselves into. She felt so sore. She just wanted to go home and cry into her pillow and try to forget that happened. She pulled up her pants and looked out the window.

"We should go" she said quiet almost to herself.

He pulled up his jeans and button them back up. He grabbed his keys from the cup holder and started the car, driving her home. They passed where he use to work, where she first met him on the bus home from school. She would walk him to work everyday and lie to him she was just buying something. She smiled at the thought and in no time they were back at her house. She looks at him one last time.

"I think you should have gone yourself," she mumbles as she opens the door and steps out.

"No, I'll just get someone else to go with me next time," he says before she shuts the door.

He takes off and she stares as he drives away. What did she do? She walks up to her front door and unlocks it. She walks in and her dog is barking at her and shaking his tail so fast his butt is bumping into the trash cans by the stairs. She tosses her bag to the side,kneels down and hugs him tight. Tears flow from her eyes again. Her dog knew she was sad and crying, so he decided to lick off her tears and gave her a big wet kiss.

"Better than a human boyfriend," she mumbles and smiles.

She stands up, grabs her bag and heads to the kitchen to put her leftover food away. “Breakfast tomorrow,” she thought as she closed the mini fridge containing only a couple sodas, leftover food from fast food places and pilfered beers. That's all she really needed. She closes the fridge and heads to bed with her dog. She takes off her clothes and slides into bed, her dog soon joined by her feet and stared at her.

She placed her hand over her stomach. She wasn't going to tell him, she didn't want to screw up his life like she did with hers. She was done playing his games now, look how it ended after all. She could live in peace with her child--their child. The child he would never know about. Her little secret that she would keep hidden for 9 months and years after. All without telling. She closed her eyes as a single tear fell. Her dog eyes slowly closed as he cuddled in closer to her feet.