Monster-Chapter One

 

Chapter One

 

       I don't remember much about my childhood before the orphanage. Just a picture or two in my head. Most children are protected, loved, taken care of. I wasn't. For as long as I can remember I was attacked, hated, and took care of myself.

      No one helped me when I screamed, when I cried for mercy. No one lifted a finger when I was being beaten for no reason in the steets. No one was close to me. No one wanted to know me. I was, am, alone.

      I didn't have allies, just pacts for mutual survival, but even these didn't last. I didn't trust anyone, and nobody trusted me. I am not to be trusted, and nobody does. I know I will never be loved or treated with affection, mercy is something I have never known, nor ever will. I am a monster..........

 

           I pulled the cowl of my cloak closer about my face. I knew  was hideous. I didn't wish to frighten anyone, well, any more so than my reputation already did.I have never looked upon my reflection, but I knew anyways. The king, his advisors, and the Powers have told me so, besides, I am a monster, I cannot be beautiful. I only took off my cloak when I was alone, in the king's presence, or on formal occasions, to which I wore a veil.

           None have ever seen my face, except for the king, since that one day. It had only ever been seen once, almost eight years ago. The day I had been brought to the castle with all of the other athletic or Gifted children. Out of them all, I was the only unusual one. Ever other child was either sent to the soldiers  barracks, a workers' position, or, for a lucky few, a servant or, rarer still, apprenticed to one of the Powers.

            I wasn't. Out of all the children I was the only one the king wished to see along with his advisors and the Powers. The head of the orphanage handed me over to the king's gaurd willingly. She had always been afraid of me ever since I was first brought into her care. Ever since she saw my eyes.

            That was why I was brought before the king. Because of my eyes and how muck they scared her and the others. They change color depending on my emotions. I had also been brought for two other resons. My survival ability and my Knowing.

             My Knowing is a gift, for the king, that is. For me, its a curse. I am his little mind-reading monster, I do all his dirty work. I get into people's minds, I scent them out like a dog. I track them down and deal out the king's punnishments, for truly petty things. I am no better than a mangy mongrel.

             I looked up as my thoughts were interupted by the sound of trumpets and other such fanfare. The people of The Capitol cheered for their precious King Caston. I allowed myself a flicker of a smile, I still thought it funny that the capitol of Noneaile was named The Capitol instead of some nobler, grander title. As I rode by I saw people clutch their children to them, already performing the Ward Evil gesture. I know it well, it follows me everywhere.

             You placed your fist over your heart, formed it into a claw, and pushed it outwards. After the long, hot, boring prossesion through The Capitol I jumped off Arrow's back and,unlike the others, landed nimbly. Arrow, my horse, was my only friend. After brushing, feeding, and stableing Arrow I began the walk to my rooms. Conversations stopped as I walked by and wispers began as I passed on.

             Finally, my rooms. I threw open the door, ran through the doorway, and slamed it quickly behind me. It's so stuffy in here. I reached for the clasp to my cloak. "Lady Kaoyte, I presume?"

             Instinctivly I drew my sword and whirled to face the intruder, the point of my sword an inch from their neck. I looked closer and realised her neck, my mysterious intruder was a gangly, slight, teenage girl. How did she get into my rooms? What is she doing here? " I'm guessing I'm correct, though a simple yes would have sufficed"

Author's Note

This is the first chapter of my book I am attempting to write. By the way, totally open to chapter title suggestions. Anyways just so ya'll know, I did NOT try to rip off Hunger Games with the whole "The Capitol" deal, it just came to me as I was writing. I'm trying to think of a really cool name for the capitol of this city so, if you have any suggestions for a name, please tell. Hope you guys (and gals) enjoy! By the way, please give your honest opinion, I really want to know what ya'll think of it!
Love,
CreativeCookie

Reviews

[Arash Y]

Okey, what I can notice so far is a kind of a classic style; starting with a flashback and going on with the character introduction. I no longer write in this way. As you can see, I'm more tended to minimalism and magical realism. So, the foundation here seems to be strong enough to hold a pretty tall tale. Also the concept has the possibility of having good potentials - depending on the way you use it.

I say, give me a little more if you're expecting a real comment

[Megara]

Love it!!!
please write more!

[Harley Rose]

Just a few grammatical errors and misspellings... really easy to fix. Also the Intro and the rest of it has no real transition... It just rushes into it and confuses the reader... Revise please... But i love where this is going. More please.

[Nick.B]

Interesting first chapter with some good details to it, curious to see where this story will go...great job so far

[Random-fandom-girl]

its really good !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[davidaguilar]

well im new to writing so my critique may not be valued but ill give it a shot anyways. so i noticed that the writing was very well written as i read i thougt to my self and said wow this is really good writing. the only problem that i found in this writing was that as a reader i wasnt that interested in it. i skimmed through it to see if anything worth while was going to come. i liked your writing it was great, just try to focus in more action or suspense insetead of just describing the scene, character, etc. with fancy language. for example i would start off with him running away from some place. he runs as fast as he can and reaches his favorite hiding place. he overhears some guards talking about his essence of being a monster. he remebers back to when he was a boy etc. i dont know if you're going to take this advice but i gave it a shot goodluck.

[CreativeCookie]

Thanks for the review! I know, not one of my best starts, mainly I'm trying to introduce my charactors. By the way, Lady Kaoyte is a she, not a he. (That little mistake gave me a bit of a giggle) Anyways thanks for the feedback, I promise it'll get more exciting. Trust me, she's gonna beat some hind ends (Both human and non) before it's through!
Love,
CreativeCookie

[Ibster]

Ignoring the grammar mistakes and judging only the story, I can say it is intriguing and I would like to read more. However, I would like to point out a couple of things.
First of all, "You" is acceptable in second-person narrative, for example in a letter or when specifically addressing a character. Furthermore, try not to have so many paragraphs. I'm certainly not an expert, but I believe having too many breaks can disrupt the flow of reading.

[CreativeCookie]

I see how you would be confused at the "you". She (Lady Kaoyte) is adressing the reader, describing to them the gesture that is mentioned.
Love,
CreativeCookie

[Steve M]

I like it...There is a lot of potential. I would recommend a few alterations in the first two paragraphs to make it more engaging. However, may prefer the orignal version better.

Consider...
I don't remember much about my childhood. Prior to the orphanage a picture or two pops in my head. How no one help me when I screamed, when I cried for mercy. No one lifted a finger when I was being beaten for no reason in the steets.

Most children are protected, loved, taken care of. I wasn't. For as long as I can remember I was attacked, hated, and took care of myself. No one was close to me. No one wanted to know me. I was, am, alone.

[Violette]

It's actually seriously good! There are a few typos, but I'm guilty of the same thing. The character structure of the narrator, Lady Kaoyte, is awesome. How she thinks down on herself, and yet somehow lives with the feeling of her monstrosity, the fact that she's used to it, the fact that she really doesn't care how rude people are, just because she thinks she's a monster, too (sorry for the terribly long run-on sentence), is awesome. Whenever I'm reading a book, I always love to be able to understand the characters. You've done a great job of making her understandable and yet not in the same sense. Thanks for posting, and keep posting more--I want to see how this ends up!
P.S. I tried to rate this 500/100 . . . it didn't work. :(!

[W.V. Bard]

There's a lot of grammatical errors that distract from the story. i.e. too many commas. Also, the opening paragraph is a little melodramatic. For instance, when you say "when I cried for mercy," you should just say "I cried" to keep it a little more relateable. I don't know a lot of readers who have cried for mercy....
Also, on a random note, the word "king" pops up too many times.

Other than that aweful flame (sorry, I like when people really tear apart my work so I try to be really constructive, too), I gotta say this is super intriguing. And I'll admit that while, yes, there's that traditional style in the beginning, I think it's a nice and easy way to engage readers comfortably. It read like one of those fantasy books I curl up in front of the fireplace with. Can't wait for more

[CreativeCookie]

Thanks for the review, I really enjoy it when people give me their honest opinions besides "It's good". And as to the commas, I did that because of the sentence structures. Also I used the word king a lot due to the fact that he is a big part of her past, which she is museing over for the first 6 paragraphs. Not a good part, mind you, just a big part. Wow, I really do use a lot of commas! Anyways as for the "cried for mercy" bit, yes it is a little unrelateable. Thing is, her life is unrelatable. I haven't even gotten to her real past, the life before and during her time at the orphanage. Hope that kinda makes sense, thanks again for the great review!
Love,
CreativeCookie

[The Invisible Girl]

Good start! Can't wait to read more. Send me a RR if you do continue!
P.S I love the cover picture for the book! ^-^