Lady of the Lake

this was the only story with death my language teacher liked! yes i have a problem writing horror with out some kind of death.

Jamie looked into his camp fire's coals, the embers glowed red hot and radiated the heat he needed.  A cold wind swept across the lake rippling the water. Over the pine trees to the east the faint glow of the town. Lake Ronkonkoma was beautiful but deadly. 

The lake was supposed to be haunted by a Native American princess who had commited suicide on the lake. He avoided swimming in the lake alone becuase of the the legend that she hunted the lake for men she could spend the rest of her immortal life with. 

He shivered from the thought and threw another log on the fire; even though he was old enough to be on his own he still never swam in the lake. He hardly tried to go near it except on Halloween when he went camping on the shores. His parent s had always taken camping and tried to scare on Halloween, though they never could he loved it so much he still did it. 

He pulled out his carving knife and looked around for a small log to carve, then he sat there next to the fire aimlessly carving something into a log next to a warm fire. Soon he found himself staring out at the lake between the trees.

something was out of place, there were ripples not going with the wind and he saw why. someones canoe was comeing to shore, floating with out someone in it. Most likely it had somehow gotten off a restraint and floated there. 

Slowly he got up and got a rope from his car and also his tent, which he still hand't set up yet. Setting the tent up quickly and took the spare stake with the rope and tied the canoe down. He looked around it to see if it had any identification. 

Walking around it he saw a pale white smooth stone, finding it extremly odd he picked it up. but the second his hand had touched it he reliezed it wasn't a stone... but the hand of a women. But it was to late, it had grapped his wrist and somehow had pulled him into one of the lakes many crevices. But then somehow she had gotten his ankle, and now he was fighting as hard as he could not wasting the little air he had. 

He kicked his own ankle, curling up then pushing out. fighting to get out of the ghost's icey gripp, finnaly she let go. but he knew he did not have enough air to last another minute. He blew a small buble in the water, the prescious air glinted silver for a second and floated down. 

He realized he had some how gotten upside down, slowly he floated to the top kicking lightly. as he reached the surface he looked for his fire, the cold wind stinging his wet face and hit throat as he gulped for air. He started to swim for the shore. But then he felt the same icey grip on his ankle, pulling him down in the pitch black water. 

He was now slowly trying to fight back, but to know prevail. Jamie's lungs were now being squeezed from lack of air, they ached and cried out for air. Then once again he was let go and he kicked as fast as he could upwards. He felt the soft sand bank under him. 

He crawled on it despretly, his chest heaving up and down. His body stung from the cold, then once again he felt the icey gripp on his ankles. But he didn't have the energy to fight back, slowly he let his air go. And soon he passed out and was never to wake again. 

She wanted him bad enough, so he would let her have him.  

Author's Note

yes this lake is real, and people have died in it.... the legended is real, but if it is haunted or not i do not know, i just thought it would be a cool idea for a story.

Reviews

[Detective Watts]

The lake was supposed to be haunted by a Native American princess who had commited suicide on the lake. He avoided swimming in the lake alone becuase of the the legend that she hunted the lake for men she could spend the rest of her immortal life with.

^Try using more similes. Lake 4 times in 1 paragraph is bad english.
Otherwise good.

[Darruesh Eetraydes]

i liked the story, but I'm upset that he gave in to it. I don't like it when people just take what is thrown at them and don't fight it. Hahaha sorry, thats just a personal thing but i enjoyed it.

[S. Kimball]

It wasn't bad.

You had the right idea with imagery, incorporating most of the senses. Your descriptions really put me there in the middle of this, especially when he was being drowned.

The thing that could really use some improving upon, however, is your flow. The story doesn't really flow at all; it's very jumpy and rough. I'd recommend going back over it and making it all flow together.

[Sean M. Addams]

i liked it and thought it was a very creative spooky write... urban legends are always cool and looking up the history makes it even the better.... haunted or not you created the right feel for this piece... liked this alot.. nice job!!!