Prelude

Huge blazes of fire glowed brightly under the dark, midnight sky, and quickly overtook the small French chateau in minutes leaving the young damsel standing in horror, confusion, and anger.  Her rich, auburn hair was dirty full of rubble and dust and her plain white dress was ripped in various places and stained with dust and ashes, tarnishing the white bunny she clutched to her chest to which she gave the name Piper.  She watched as her whole life went up in flames; her mother, her father; still trapped inside would never see the light of day again.  Silently, she sobbed as cold tears dripped down her pale cheeks and dripped to the ground.  The smell of fire and death and cold stung her nose and irritated her lungs as her small body shivered violently due to the freezing cold that crept up her dress, stinging her bare feet and hands.  Eventually, her legs couldn't hold her up anymore and she collapsed still clutching her Piper in her tiny arms. She lay in the cold, grass damp with dew and shivered and cried silently until she eventually cried herself to sleep. 

...

"Hey, hey kid?" 

The voice that strangely sounded like one of another child registered in her ears, causing her to stir and reluctantly open her hazel eyes.  Her pupils focused on the young boy hovering directly above her.  His midnight hair was styled in a long undercut and his creme skin made silver eyes stand out.

Author's Note

ignore dialogue for now...im still coming up with the plot. Constructive criticism is encouraged.

Reviews

[Christopher Miller]

I'm interested to know what's happening. Your vocabulary is good. I would say what needs the most improvement is comma placement, sentence structure, syntax. For example, I would rework:
"Her rich, auburn hair was dirty full of rubble and dust and her plain white dress was ripped in various places and stained with dust and ashes, tarnishing the white bunny she clutched to her chest to which she gave the name Piper."
To (something like) this:
"Her rich auburn hair was dirty, full of rubble and dust. Her plain white dress was ripped in various places, and stained with dust and ashes. That filth also tarnished the white bunny she clutched to her chest, which she had given the name 'Piper'."
They are good details; give the reader a chance to digest them. Separate them out into their own sentences so they can have some impact.
You also used 'dripped' twice in a sentence. Maybe the tears 'rolled' down her cheeks, then 'dripped' into the dirt.

[Sira YR]

Okay thank you for the review...unfortunately since I am trying to finish two other books im working on i won't really be continuing this one until probably towards the end of the year. I'm trying to have my other two books finished by that time so that i can dedicate all of my spare time to coming up with a plot for this one. But thanks for the review and suggestions. I will be sure to fix them mistakes :)

[Sira YR]

Okay to everyone who reads this, I will be continuing this in time, but right now I am focusing on my other two novels that I am working on and am determined to get them finished by the end of 2017, and after that I will be able to focus on this story. Just wanted to let you know :)

[Sapientiam]

Well, this is pretty good for a start. You have such vivid descriptions, so I could imagine the sceneries just fine. The emotions were captured nicely, as well. Sorry, I'm not the best at constructive criticism, but this was great. Good job!

[Sira YR]

Thank you very much for your review :)