House of Secrets

Memoir

I was 7 years old when it started happening...again. My mother always told me, as if she knew that something bad would eventually happen to her. Dad always had a thing for alcohol. Being at my age now almost 20, I don't understand it but then again we're all different in some way and act differently. But now that he's gone, I for some reason have an interest in telling my story and sharing it to the world. It's a terrible thing for any child to have to witness, I don't wish this upon anyone, not even my own worst enemy - but I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my darkness.

 

If you have been reading my poetry and reading between the lines, then you already know a part of the story and the hell I had to face as a child. My mother was terrified to leave me alone. She always sat in a chair by my bedside and I would pretend to be asleep to hear her crying. My brother, Daniel, always had the biggest fear to come home and find me dead.

 

There were times when my mother or brother couldn't take me where they were going, so I spent most nights living in terror. I used to hide under my bed or the closet stuck in imagination land; doing anything possible to keep the monster at bay and keep myself calm. But somehow, my father always managed to find me no matter where I was and dragged me by my hair sometimes to the basement - dark and cold or during the summer nights even a nuclear bomb would have felt like a siberian blizzard. Even some mice were present; but for the most part there were definetly cockroaches down there also. They didn't mean any harm to me. They were just hungry and looking for food...but it was disgusting to say the least for having them crawling all over me.

 

I couldn't scream anymore. It wouldn't do anything. I'm not sure if neighbors could hear me, but I'm sure the person my father actually was they were afraid to even rescue me if they did hear me screaming. I remember getting an injection shot of something...I'm not sure what it was exactly but all I remember it did to me was put me to sleep for awhile. For 7 years old, I never fully understood suicide or even the meaning behind the word, but at this point I was praying for it.

 

One night, I remember...I kept seeing a shadow on my wall. And darkened black man... which for a moment I thought I was seeing things or having a nightmare. Then I saw it. Shining in the dim moonlight, a knife firmly in his hands...it was a nightmare....and I was fully awake. He lunged it at me, and I had nothing but a pillow to protect me before my brother heard me screaming and attacked my father. I didn't think I could live anymore terrified than that night.

 

Everything seemed to have set my father and he would just drown himself in more alcohol. I always kept to myself and acted like a regular child. Drawing, coloring, watching television like any normal child. Except I would have cuts and bruises all over me as I entered school which were hidden in layers of clothing so no one would ask questions, but children were afraid to be around me like I was some 5-headed killing monster. I wasn't, just the daughter of one.

 

My mother was away at work and it was my 10th birthday. My brother had just recently got a brand new Honda and decided to take me out of the house. We went for a ride, anywhere we thought was fun we went, determined to have a good time and not let the memories of my father ruin anything. Til we came home....it was the best and the worst birthday of my life.

 

We came home, noticed my mother's car in the driveway. I was so excited that she was home and I would finally get to spend time with her before the end of my birthday. I raced into the house and my smile quickly faded turning into a frown that just seemed to get worse. The house looked like it was ransacked by a burglar. Glass shattered amongst the floor, lamps and chairs knocked over. Every time I took a step in a search to find my mother a chilling feeling of terror would come over me.

 

Finally I reached her bedroom and there she was. Lying in her own blood, bruised and battered...stabbed at least 5 times. And my father with no regret on his face, frozen in time in my chair from my bedroom sitting in the corner. Daniel had already knew something was wrong as we entered the house and called the police... as I collapsed into his arms crying my heart out.

 

As the police arrived carrying my father away in handcuffs, I laid in my mother's blood. Holding her and praying that any second she would wake up and this would all just be a nightmare. My father took more than he ever could from me. Not only my innocence, as I quickly grow up without parents, but he left the biggest hole in my heart that can never be filled but only in my dreams when I see my mother once more.

 

I left the house of secrets, now living in TN with my brother and hero, Daniel. There will always be a hole in my heart. But justice has been served. And with this final story, this is the end of it. I'm free.

 

 

 

Reviews

[rivers]

I found this story deep within your archives. I read every word because I understand.
Perhaps one day I will be as brave as you and be set free from my long overdo expressions of my repressed memories. You have been made strong by your past and this strength will shine through your heart and soul to the world. Your a brave and inspiring young women and I am blessed to be able to say I feel we are friends...

[MachinaWriter]

Pain haunts so many of us. The things we keep locked up in the basements of our individual House of Secrets. Powerful, beautiful, heart wrenching. Though I've been able to write about some of the loss in my life, there are still parts I can't do, things I haven't been able to unlock in my own House. I admire you for being able to take this part of your life and put it out so bluntly. I understand this kind of pain. I truly do. I understand all the pain that comes after it, as well. If you ever want to talk about any of this, or tell someone how you're feeling, I'm an open book which inside is written a similar tale.

[Ice Girl]

'It left a hole in my heart'... I loved your story! Did it really happen?

[Chantelle]

Thanks for having the strength to share this story. You do it justice as it is written so well. You have been through a lot, more than anyone should, and I think you have a real gift for writing.
Thanks again :)

A painful deeply write, of all you've been true, it seems.I feel sorry for you and know how things can hurt, but you're a strong personality now, look at you :) the world is calling your name... Thank you for sharing, I think the most strong ones, will survive it if they can see the pain, and not runnaway from it. My compliments.

~ Elisa Laura.