She Is Love

Another short story.

I can’t believe I’m really doing this, Claire thought, as she felt the inside of her pocket for what felt like the thousandth time in less than 15 minutes.

It was a quarter past two in the morning and the bus depot was empty except for a young twenty-something mother with her two small children sleeping next to her and an old man smelling of booze asleep in the far corner. Claire sat twirling her brown curls and replaying the past week over in her head. She was too nervous to fall asleep and too fidgety to read or take pictures of the depot as she had previously planned.

Finally, she pulled the handwritten letter out of her pocket being careful not to lose anything else at the same time. She unfolded the letter to read it but she already knew what it said word for word.

Dearest Claire,

You’re 18 today and finally an adult! I wish I could be there to celebrate with you. I know you look beautiful and I hope you’re having the time of your life. I’ve enclosed another picture for you to have. I’d love to hear from you if you get this letter. Part of me has a feeling that Jack and Audrey are keeping my letters and gifts from you.

Love, Astrid

Love Astrid? What kind of name is Astrid? And she sure can’t say she loves me. She knows nothing about me or the f*****g wonderful life and parents she chose for me. Even if she did know my parents she doesn’t know them now and the ways they’ve changed. Oh, the ways my life is different than the pretty little picture she’s created to make herself feel better. What a great birthday present, huh? Congratulations, you’re eighteen! By the way, your whole life has been one big, fat lie!

            The letter had a postmark from Boston. It was short and handwritten on a piece of crème stationary with a lighthouse scene painted on. Included was a picture of what Claire imagined she’d probably look like in twenty years. Astrid was standing near a river�"the bluest one Claire had ever seen having spent her whole life within the confines of Southern California�"with a baby in her arms and a smile to match her long dark curls and slender frame.

            Claire couldn’t say she knew anything about Astrid or her life though.

 

            Claire walked through her childhood home, turning on lights and opening curtains along the way. Her parents always kept things so dark while she thrived on light. As she went toward her room she cracked open the door to her parents’ bedroom quietly. Her mom was sleeping�"passed out, more than likely�"just as she expected her to be. Her dad never made it home before midnight anymore if he came home at all. He denied it but everybody knew he was banging his secretary who was the definition of a blonde bombshell with the personality to match.

As Claire went to grab the mail from the mailbox and set it down on the kitchen table she noticed an envelope addressed to her. What could it be? Who could it be from? I never get mail. What am I, stuck in the 80s? Claire quickly tore the envelope open and read it. She took a deep breath and read it again.

            “Mom? Mom! MOM!” Claire screamed.

            “What? What is it sweetheart?” her mom, in a white bathrobe twice her size and with jewelry on said, dragging her feet across the wooden floor toward Claire.

            “Was I adopted?”

“No, of course not. You were born right here at home with the help of Dr. Potts. You already know that though.”

“Then what’s this all about?” Claire shoved the letter into her mother’s hands.

“Look, honey. I can explain. It’s not what you think it is.” Audrey said, looking anywhere except into Claire’s green eyes.

“What is it then? How do you adopt a child and never tell her about it, or anyone else for that matter? Why would you guys even do that? Why?” Claire said, bursting into tears.

“Oh honey, I should have told you years ago. Your dad wanted to keep it a secret. He said what you don’t know can’t hurt you.”

“Except you guys seem to forget that I’m not a baby anymore. Why wouldn’t you tell me? You’re always prodding me for information and saying that I can tell you anything; telling me that I should tell you everything but the whole time you’re keeping a secret like this from me.”

“We did it because we love you. Your dad and I didn’t want you to be confused or have any complexes. And besides, your birth mom was well…. she wasn’t exactly in a good spot in life.”

“So she gave me to a pill-popping wino and sex-crazed lunatic?”

“Young lady, don’t talk to me like that!”

“Then quit lying to me.”

“Claire!”

“Whatever. I’m leaving.” Claire stomped off toward her room to get her car keys but they weren’t there. She could have gotten up and argued with her mom some more until she handed them over. Instead, she blasted her music and waited for the tears to stop.

A couple of hours passed as Claire practiced the material for her upcoming piano recital�"one that she wouldn’t be making it to if she could help it�"and her mom went from drunk and sleepy to June Cleaver like they spent every single day this way. Her dad was home by 6, doing damage control most likely. Claire had once been a daddy’s girl; when they would spend mornings laughing around the breakfast table with ‘Peanuts’ and cold cereal. Long ago were the days where magic still existed and there wasn’t a thing that could keep her from falling into a peaceful slumber each night.

Claire could hear her parents talking in hushed voices in the kitchen as she layered a second coat of lime green polish onto her toes.

“Claire, baby, dinner’s ready,” her mom called a few minutes later. “It’s your favorite: Italian meatballs with white rice and gravy. There’s even fresh green beans and hot rolls are in the oven.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Come to the table anyway. We haven’t had dinner as a family in a long time. Work has been busy with that big Magnuson case. They’re just a bunch of greedy fools anyhow,” Claire’s dad, with his cashmere suit and million dollar fake smile said as he poked his head into her room.

“Fine, I’m coming.”

“That’s my girl.”

They sat around the dinner table talking about everything except Astrid’s letter and the secrets Jack and Audrey had been successfully spinning into the perfect lie for eighteen years. Mostly, there was silence as each of them waited for their glass house to come crashing to the ground.

 

Claire was driving, nowhere in particular, just driving�"she found it both exhilarating and relaxing to just drive and the back roads of Southern California gave her the opportunity to do so in peace. It was just after 5 in the evening and while most people were on their way home after a long day in the office or in the jungles that were Riverside’s public schools she was drying her tears and looking for the answers to so many questions. She had found the number of an Astrid Portnoy in Boston and figured there couldn’t be many Astrid Portnoy’s in one town on the Atlantic coastline.

She parked her hatchback in the lot of the recital hall�"music was her first love and how she had always handled stress�"and picked up the piece of scrap paper with the phone number scrawled on it one more time. 506-832-0715 It’s after eight there. What if she’s sleeping? Or working? What if somebody else answer’s the phone? What if she’s not there? Oh god, I can’t do this. Her hands were shaking as she held the phone, her fingers getting ready to dial. No, I have to. If I don’t do it now I won’t ever do it.

She punched the number on her phone and waited. She waited for what seemed like forever.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Astrid?

“Speaking. Who is this? How may I help you?

“It’s…its Claire.”

There was a noise as the woman on the other line burst into tears. Ugly tears. Just like Claire did moments after.

“I can’t believe it’s you. I…I just can’t believe it. I’ve been waiting your whole life to hear those words.”

“I…I didn’t even know. I mean nobody ever told me.” There was a pause then because neither woman knew what to say or where to start after sixteen years. Finally Claire broke the silence with a trembling voice and a heart full of uncertainty.

“Can I come see you?”

“I’d love that.”

 

Claire only realized she had fallen asleep upon waking to The Counting Crows playing ‘A Long December’ through her headphones as night was meeting day in a twirl of orange and purple over the Sierra Nevada’s. She pressed the repeat button on her iPod and dug through her phone. Just as she expected her parents had called numerous times with each voicemail from her mom getting more frantic and her dad sounding angrier with each message he left her. It was only 7:15 a.m. Claire tucked her phone into the pocket of her sweatshirt, took a swig from her water bottle and prepared for the long day ahead. She was slipping her headphones on again when she heard a voice next to her.

“Where are you headed?” A man, if you could call him that, appeared beside Claire. His dark curls and dimples caught Claire’s eyes.

“Why do you care?”

“Who said I did? You’re obviously looking for something though. I can read it on your face.”

“Fine, I’m looking for a new beginning. A new beginning where nobody knows my name and where nobody cares either.” She goes back to her book, but mistakenly leaves her headphones off.

“Sounds like you and I have a lot in common then. Mind some company?”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry. I should have introduced myself. My name is Nick. Mind if I join you?”

“Hey, I’m Claire. I don’t want any company though.” Claire goes back to her book.

“Suit yourself sweetheart.” Nick moves up the aisle toward his own seat.

Claire watched him walk away back into his own little world without a care in the world. Wait, don’t walk away; I want you to stay. Then say it, damn it. You can’t just expect him to be able to read your mind. But I hardly know him. Then why do you care if he walks away so much? He’s cocky and obnoxious and besides it’s not like you’re ever going to see him again, anyway. I don’t know. I don’t know. Hours passed as Claire and Nick watched each other closely but failed to say another word to each other.

 

“Now approaching Boston.”

The sound of the overhead speaker system jolted Claire out of her dreamlike stance and was quick to remind her that she was alone on a bus traveling across the country to meet a woman and a family that she had not even known existed a week ago. But they’re mine. She’s my mother and they’re my family.

Claire stood up and started gathering her things; anxious to get off this bus and onto the last one she hoped to find herself a passenger on for a long time. Two days and some hours had made her fidgety, sore and yearning for fresh air. Phone? Check! IPod? Check! Bus ticket? Check! Wallet! Check? Now get the hell out of here before anybody tries to talk to you again.

Outside, the air was cool and crisp against her face and Boston was coming to life as Claire stretched her legs and went in search of food that was more fulfilling than the animal crackers and Snickers bars out of vending machines she’d sustained herself on for the past two days. Ten minutes later while walking down Hennessey Avenue Claire found herself reaching into her pocket for the cash she’d pulled from her dad’s credit card before leaving California outside of a brick building that had seen better days and where the covered porch with intimate seating made her long for better days and the smell of garlic and tomato sauce made Claire’s stomach grumble.

            Now this is what I call food, and good food at that! Claire thought as she took the final bites of her plate of homemade meat ravioli over red sauce. There had also been green salad and garlic bread. The only thing missing is the wine. Which reminds me that I should probably call mom and dad. If they expect me to come home though they’ve lost it. She dialed her dad’s cell number. He’s less likely to completely freak.

            “Hello? Claire? Are you there?” He had answered after the first ring.

            “Hey” Deep breathes. Deep breathes.

            “Oh my God! Claire! Are you okay? Where are you? What the hell happened? Aud…”

            “Wait, Dad! Don’t tell mom I’m on the phone. Not yet, please!”

            “Claire, what’s going on? You’ve scared us half to death. We woke up one morning and you were gone. Your mom and I didn’t know whether you’d been kidnapped or murdered or what happened.”

            “I know.”

            “What did happen?”

            “I’m okay, I swear. I’m in Boston. I’m going to go meet Astrid.”

            “Claire bear! That’s not a good idea. Trust me!” It was silent for a minute. “Does she know you’re coming?”

            “Yeah, she does.”

            And she did know that Claire was coming to visit. She just didn’t know when she was coming to visit. Astrid and Claire had only had the one conversation nearly a week earlier.

Claire hailed a taxi to asked the driver for the nearest cheap hotel but then changed her mind and started walking. Her thoughts continued to race as she found herself lost and by herself in a brand new city. If she really does want to see me she’ll be glad that I found my way across the country just to meet her. Besides, once I tell her how my lovely parents have kept the whole adoption a secret from me she’ll probably invite me to move in. I’ll never have to see my parents or California again.

            “Hey there, beautiful!”

Claire felt a hand on her shoulder. She started screaming before she was even turned around.

“Oh, it’s just you again. What do you want? And how did you find me anyway?” Claire kept walking. It was starting to get cold outside and she just realized how tired she was.”

“A little jumpy tonight, are we?” Nick smiled and matched Claire step for step.

“No. You shouldn’t just sneak up behind people like that. One day you’re going to get hurt or maybe even killed.”

“So now you care about my feelings? You didn’t even want to talk to me on the bus. Feeling a little lonely, eh?”

“No, I just…” Claire fell silent and turned the same corner she’d turned a few minutes earlier.

“Do you know where you’re going?” Nick grabbed Claire by the arms to hold her still. She fought back but didn’t move when he let her go.

“Yes. The Comfort Inn on Washington.”

“Then why have you been walking in circles for the past ten minutes?”

“Fine. Do you know where the hotel is?”

“Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.”

“Good, then make yourself useful.”

“Only if you play nice.” Nick said as he led Claire up a side street.

 

Coffee! Must have coffee! Claire stepped out of her hotel in search of a vanilla latte and her mother in a green sundress with strappy sandals and a white satchel to match. The sky was overcast and the sun was nowhere in sight but it was muggy and the weather forecast was calling for a big storm sometime during the evening. By the time the storm hits tonight I’ll have my mom and a whole new life in front of me. We’ll probably be sitting at the table drinking tea, or maybe she’ll even let me have a glass of wine, and catching up on the last sixteen years. Claire hailed a taxi and gave the address she had saved from the envelope of the last letter Astrid had sent her.

The further away from the center of Boston the cab driver took her, the more Claire began to second guess her decision to come and find Astrid and a new life away from California and the drama that seemed to control everybody there. What if she doesn’t want to see me? Don’t be ridiculous! She said she’d love for you to come visit. But I didn’t tell her I was planning to run away and stay in Boston forever. So, is that what you’re doing here? I don’t know. I don’t know. Well, there’s no turning back now. I guess there isn’t, is there? No, no there isn’t.

“Here it is, ma’am. 62713 Manchester Drive. Ma’am? Ma’am, are you okay?” the cab driver turned toward Claire.

“Oh, yes. Sorry, just a little nervous is all.”

“Well, whatever it is you’re nervous about, good luck!” The cab driver, a tall man who looked like he was going through adolescence ten years too late with a mop of red hair and footwork as fancy as Bigfoot himself opened the door for Claire before getting her one bag out of the trunk.

“Thank you!”

“Not a problem, ma’am. Have a wonderful day.”

“I think I will.” Claire tipped the driver more than was necessary and began the short walk to the door that she hoped would open so many others. 

 

“You’re not the pizza guy.” A young girl with red curls falling into her big green eyes stared complacently up at Claire with her feet planted firmly on the ground so as not to let Claire inside nor anything out.

“Hi! Is your mom home?” Claire said, kneeling down to the girls level.

“She’s busy right now? Who are you?”

“My name is Claire. What’s yours?”

            Before the girl could answer a woman appeared. Claire could hear her before she could see her however.

            “Sophia! Sophia! Oh, there you are.” Astrid looks up and clearly sees Claire before turning her attention back to the child. “Now go on back with your sister for a minute and make sure she doesn’t get into anything, okay?”

            “But mom!”

            “Now!”

            Sophia runs up the stairs and out of sight with only a little bit of exaggeration.

            Astrid and Claire stand on each side of the door frame and just look at each other; taking everything in for what seemed like forever to both of them but must have only been ten or twenty seconds. Astrid stepped outside and closed the door behind her before she broke the silence.

            “Claire? I can’t believe it.”

            “Me neither.”

            “What are you doing here?”

            “I came to see you. You said you wanted me too.”

            “Well yes, but I mean I thought we would talk about it and maybe get to know each other better before Jack and Audrey put you on a plane and sent you across the country.”

            “About that.” Claire looked at Astrid and hoped that she would understand what she was trying to say.

            “About what? Please tell me they know you’re out here. Please God!”

            “Not exactly. I mean…my dad knows now but”

            “What were you thinking?”

            “I just...there’s so many questions. Why did you give me up? Why did nobody tell me that I was adopted? I mean why did it have to be such secret?” Claire was starting to crumble and Astrid wasn’t far behind.

            “Oh, I’m sorry. I should have realized how much this would have hurt you. I was….”

            “Mommy!” Sophia screamed as she plummeted down the stairs and opened the front door.

            “What’s wrong baby?” Astrid swept Sophia’s hair to the side and pulled her close.

            “I thought you said we were having pizza tonight?”

            “We are.”

            “Then where’s the pizza guy? And who are you?” Sophia eyes Claire again.

            “Homemade pizza, Soph, and this is Claire. She’s your sister.”

            “But I don’t like homemade pizza. And you’re not my sister. Gracie is inside, probably wrecking my toys. She always breaks my toys”

            “Sophia! Apologize and then go in and wash up if you want to help make your pizza.”

            “I’m sorry.” Sophia turned and stomped back up the stairs.

            “Would you like to stay for dinner? We’re making pizza and it promises to be lots of messy fun?” Astrid asked, with a smile creeping onto her face.

            “Only if I can sit next to Sophia.” Claire said.

 

            “Thanks for letting me stay for dinner.”

“You’re welcome.” Sophia and baby Gracie had been put to bed and now Astrid and Claire were clearing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen and trying to make the best out of the awkward silence that had been skirting around the edges of the night.

“It’s amazing how much energy such tiny bodies can give off.” Astrid asked as she loaded the last of the dishes into the dishwasher and started it.

“They’re adorable though and with such big personalities too.”

“Don’t let them fool you. They have tempers to match.”

“My dad always said…” Claire stopped. What the hell am I supposed to say? That my dad always said the same thing about me and, even worse, that it’s true. That I hate her for taking the easy way out and not even trying to raise me. What don’t you hate anymore, Claire? You hate school, your parents, Astrid, life. Get it together!

Astrid pours herself a glass of wine and they stand on opposite sides of the island deciding how to continue. Finally, words come gushing out of Claire’s mouth.

“Why did you give me up? Why did it have to be some big secret? Can’t anybody in this family just be normal for once?”

“I didn’t want to give you up, not for one minute, but unfortunately I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I cried from the time I found out I was pregnant until well after you were born because I would have done anything to keep you. Anything.”

“Then why didn’t you? I don’t understand. If you wanted me so bad why didn’t you keep me? Things couldn’t have been that bad.”

“I didn’t have a choice in giving you up. I was young and in love but keeping you would have created a lot of trouble for everybody else, but especially you.”

“Why? What’s the big deal?”

“It was the 80s and everything was just wrong. My life really was all about the sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“Oh, I thought so too. At least, until I wound up pregnant, black and blue and with nowhere to go.”

“Woah. What were you doing to get pregnant, beat up and kicked out?”

“Sleeping with the son of the most influential man in the tri-state area.” Astrid’s eyes lit up and a smile crept across her face.

“Ted Kennedy?”

“No, can you imagine how awful that would have turned out though? The media would have never left that alone. You weren’t born in Boston or even on the East Coast.”

“Where was I born then? Did my father hurt you?”

            “No, he didn’t. He was ready to kill whoever did it, though. You were born in Oregon and I got to spend five glorious days with you before you were taken away and I was sent to boarding school.”

            “Who hurt you then? What happened between you and my dad?”

            “It doesn’t matter. It was a long time ago.”

            Claire spent the next month playing with her sisters and getting lost in the city with Nick who happened to be a freelance photographer who claimed he was too cool for community college after spending three semesters there. She also spent a lot of time looking at old photo albums and trying to piece together Astrid’s life before Claire.

 

            “Claire, you can’t leave! Who’s gonna teach me Spanish words and play Monopoly with me and sneak me ice cream before dinner now?” Sophia was in Claire’s arms and had wrapped her legs around Claire’s waist. They were standing in the middle of Logan International Airport on a humid July day with mobs of vacationers running to catch their next flight. If I could stop time I would stop it right now and spend forever just like this.

            “I have to go though. I’ve got to go back home and make sure my other mom and dad are okay?”

            “Are they sad?”

            “Yes, I made them sad and upset when I came to see you and your mom and Gracie and now it’s time for me to go fix things with them. I’ll be back to visit though.”

            “Promise?”

            “Pinky promise.” Claire intertwined her finger in her Sophia’s, gave her a kiss on the cheek and put her down.

            “Well mom, I guess this is goodbye then?”

            “I don’t believe in goodbyes. We’ve got so much between us that this can only be the beginning. This is just the very beginning of so much good. I hope you know that.” Astrid then wrapped her body around Claire’s in only a way that a mother can and there they stood together in the middle of one of the busiest airports in the country wrapped in an embrace that both of them hoped wouldn’t be their last.

            “Claire Alexandra Portnoy, I love you.” 

           

            And it was with those three words that Claire knew in her heart that everything was going to be alright. Better than alright, everything was going to be good.