Pursuit of Happiness

Stream of consciousness coming from a confused, drugged up teenager.

It’s funny…well…maybe not funny but perhaps ironic. I was told it would make me happy, and sure for a while it did, but in the end, all it did was make me sad. Sad and angry. I mean it’s just a powder; you snort it, lick it, or whatever and it makes you real happy. You feel on top of the world, I mean s**t, you feel like you can do anything and everything. But then, then you start shaking, your teeth start grinding, your pupils grow, and everything seems like its slowed down. You’re body can’t tell if this is a good thing, or if this is a bad thing. Then you want more, even though you know you don’t need it. You know it makes you feel like s**t, but you strive for that two-hour period, those two hours were you think anything is possible, where happiness isn’t hard to come by. It hits your system and you’re back, back to a world where a smile is common, a world where peace is readily available. Those two hours man, that’s the s**t, and if you take more, you can keep going, longer and longer. Waking up though, that’s the hardest part. That euphoric feeling, you crave that. You want it back so backs so f*****g bad you don’t know what to do. You never feel the same again. You become irritable and find it hard to pay attention, people surround you, throwing words at you, but they just bounce off, never really processing through. Your teeth hurt, your stomach hurts, you’re drenched in sweat, but yet, you want more. Even though you shake as you come down, you become scared for your life, you want more. It’s not an addiction as much as it is a need. You come out of it seeing the world for what it really is, s**t. You try to find replacements, maybe pop a few Xanax, but nah, that could never replace the feeling. You crave that feeling still. It’s kind of like that KiD CuDi song, you’re just on the pursuit of happiness. Sure, the pursuit is successful each time, but am I really happy? It’s a never-ending pursuit. Like a song on loop, just replaying over and over and over. Each morning, I wake up, look myself in the mirror, and see a changed person. I no longer see the innocent little high school student. I no longer see the athlete. I no longer see the scholar. All I see is a f**k up. All I see is a f**k up on the never-ending pursuit of happiness.