Contemplation

Just tinkling about my step daughter. She was diagnosed with autism, but is the smartest little girl I have ever seen. I am so proud of her.

CONTIMPLATION

IT’S BEEN A LITTLE OVER A YEAR SINCE HER FIRST BREATHE AND NOW SHE IS WALKING,

MY HOW TIME FLYS, IT SEEMS TOMORROW SHE'LL BE TALKING.

IT FEELS LIKE THE OTHER DAY I WAS AFRAID OF SIMPLY HOLDING HER,

AND A FEW MINUTES AGO I REFLECTED ON THE ROLE OF BEING HER STEP FATHER.

NOW AS SHE SLEEPS, IN THAT FUNNY POSITION THAT BABIES SLEEP IN,

THE ONE LAYING ON THEIR STOMACH, WITH BOTH THE LEGS UNDER THEM TUCKED IN

SHE MAKES THIS SOUND BETWEEN HER BREATING, AND I KINDA FIGURED IT WAS A DREAM

NOW I HOPE IT’S NOT A NIGHTMARE, BECAUSE I CAN’T PROTECT HER FROM HER DREAMS.

I DO MY BEST TO COMFORT HER, I PAT HER BACK, I HOLD HER HAND

THEN I THINK OF THE YEARS TO COME, I WONDER IF SHE'LL UNDERSTAND...

I WONDER IF SHE'LL UNDERSTAND THE THINGS THAT WE AS ADULTS CAN LAUGH AT

THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS THAT NEVER END, WE CANT HELP BUT GET MAD AT.

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN ANGER AND FRUSTRATION TO AN EGOCENTRIC POINT OF VIEW?

WHEN THEY DONT SEE WHAT YOU GO THROUGH, THE ONLY THING THEY SEE IS YOU.

AND EVERYTHING THEY KNOW IS WHAT EXISTS, UNTILL THEY LEARN SOMETHING NEW

THE ONLY THING IS, THEY LEARN BAD THINGS FROM LOOKING AT WHAT WE DO.

YOU NEVER LOOK AT YOUR BEHAVIOR, AND YOU SELDOM CORRECT YOUR ACTIONS

UNTILL YOU SEE IT IN A CHILD, OR YOUR CHILD, AND YOU ASKED THE QUESTION "WHAT HAPPENED?"

 

I WONDER IF SHE'LL CALL ME DADDY, WITH THE UNDERSTANDING, IM NOT

IF AFTER YEARS OF WATCHING HER GROW, I'LL NATURALLY FILL THAT SPOT

I CONTEMPLATE THE ROLES OF MEN, IN THE CHILDHOODS OF ALL MY PEERS

IF I WAS SENSITIVE ENOUGH, THE THOUGHT COULD BRING ME TO TEARS.

TO THINK OF WHAT COMES WITH THAT ABSENCE, AND POSSIBLY NEVER CHANGES

IT SEEMS A TALE AS OLD AS TIME, HISTORY AGAIN AND AGAIN.

IT WASNT FAIR WHEN IT BEGAN, STILL UNFAIR TO A GROWING CHILD

TO BE IMBALANCED IN AN EQUATION, AS ONLY A MOTHERS CHILD