I've been

A Poem by Lavon Forkeeps

I’ve been eating a lot less lately and drinking more.
Craving fluids and a lot more wine than ever before.
I’ve been ignoring the constellations along with my bones,
things are happening inside of me,
I don’t want to be at home.

I’ve been falling out of love and in love and out.
I’ve been daydreaming recklessly,
you don’t want to know what about.
Been making friends out of strangers,
making strangers out of friends.
Been feeling lost and empowered,
this year has been a whirlwind.

I’ve been weak I’ve been strong,
I’ve carried the torch to new flames
while the old ones burn on.
I’m still a scared little girl and a brave grown woman;
using my hands to craft false cushions.
Still wishing and wandering without a cause,
developing opinions that upset my mom,
slowly escaping a hell they don’t know,
kneading at the scars I’ve not the heart to show.

Running away to my magical little haven to craft
in my cauldron a little positive mayhem
it’s given me an inkling that I’ve long needed
as if perhaps my power is stronger
than my ability to defeat it
and I’m tired of trying yet exhausted I stand,
balancing the worlds as they burn up in my hands.
Knowing what I don’t need what I do and what I can
and I don’t want to be at the mercy
of someone else’s angry hands

and so I grow.
Taller and bolder I’m a ten-ton boulder
you can’t move me from my hill
you can’t bend me to your will I am a boulder.
An enormous force of choice and if I make my own
then I am the ocean with which to drown out the white noise
an ocean to devour the perception of my being a toy.

Because I am a goddess, I’ve seen it in the mirror
with my hips growing wider my eyes soften dearly
to my reflection staring back at me
my how things have changed
my perception my direction
it has all been rearranged.

I’ve taken giant steps and stacked every deck
and I’m relentlessly terrified that I’ve not yet met my checklist
and even so..
I’m a scared little girl & a goddess at once.
One foot in front of the other
I’ve muddied up the months
but it’s a brand new day and I’m not ashamed to say
that my heart and my soul cannot be taken away
the boulder within me is here to stay
as it was meant to be, it was meant to be this way.
I’m scared and it’s glorious and it’s all okay.