Nirvana

Life: not how you thought it was.

The car was moving now, making it impossible to count the number of rotations the tires had made along the interstate. It was mid afternoon, the perfect time of day for Ray. The sun shone at a perfect angle not only for driving but also for taking in the surroundings of the Midwest. Beauty dazzled along the billions upon billions of pine trees and cultivated farmland. Some of these farms were vacant and in shambles but Ray didn't see them. They never caught his gaze, not once. Not that they had reason to. It was a beautiful Saturday and Ray knew how wonderful and fresh he felt. He was fit and his haircut bore a style second to none.

His parents, Wayne and Judy, had just bade him goodbye along with his young sister Aggie at the front steps of their beautiful new suburban home which lay close to the city of Wynona. The home was built not long ago with the hard earned money from his father’s work of mostly repairing electronic devices. Ray not only benefitted from his own personal ambition, he also enjoyed the subtle comfort provided through generations of hard working people with a future in mind on both sides of his family. The sizable amounts of money that his parents had inherited could probably fund a large cancer research center in the area, probably many times over. Ray had the perfect amount of pride. Not cocky, not shy, but content and pleased. Especially on a day like today.

This was not the first time he had been far from home. He was a young man now and had a few wild nights under his belt filled with late night cruises, plenty of girls, friends, and not to mention a lack of precaution. (Not that he needed it.) As he looked at himself in the rearview mirror and adjusted his designer sunglasses (which arrived through the mail just in time for his departure to college), he thought once again about his life thus far. He didn't think of much else. He was always a positive person. Grade A student all throughout his years with a perfect attendance and great remarks from all of his instructors. He never caused any trouble and certainly didn't hesitate to make companionships with people from all walks of life and perceptions, both inside and outside of the classroom. Somehow, he never let anyone get the best of him. He knew when to turn it on and off; people were to be kept at a distance and approached with caution. Only after an assessment is made, should a portion of that judgment pass. (To say that Ray was absorbed in his own world was a gross understatement.)

His mind trailing, he almost missed his exit. Thank God he had both his Global Positioning Satellite and smart phone next to him if needed. Cutting through more than one lane without his turn signal illuminated, he glanced behind himself to laugh a little bit. Clearly, if another car had been in any of the lanes he would haved caused a major accident. His parents wouldn't enjoy seeing that on television. He lit a cigarette. After two drags he changed his mind and threw it out the window. Maybe someone else who needs it more would come across it, he thought. He turned right to take the back roads to his dormitory. He had about an hour left of a drive. F**k it, he lit another cigarette.

The fresh blacktop before him stole his view. The darkness of the movie theater of his first date with Maria. She wasn't with him now but he already had new ones lined up at school that he had met with and talked to at length during orientation and over the phone and text messages. The girl at the movie theater with him had multiplied. Again. and Again. He was now sitting with a whole theater of women. They were all staring at him wide eyed, as what his circle of friends referred to as “Owls”.

 

Wayne was calmly reclined. He was reading the newspaper while Aggie was practicing her piano playing. It didn't sound melodic but it was a great fill of the atmosphere. Much better than the damn blackbirds outside. The ceiling fan was running on low to provide maximum comfort. Wayne liked to enjoy a beer once in a while, never too many. He knew too better than to expose his children to that as well as his parents to him. Heck, Bruno wouldn't even smoke his cigarettes in the eyesight of Wayne nevertheless take off his shoes and socks. His beer was great. ‘Weekends off are the best thing since vasectomies’, he thought.

Judy was hastily cleaning up the remains of the large dinner they had just enjoyed before sending their son off. Chicken pot pie, corn, shrimp, wine (for the adults....which was also given (after some debate) to both children in appropriate quantities), and tiramisu for dessert. The warm and grimy dishwater was unpleasant but she didn't mind it. She loved being in the company of her family with the farts that didn’t smell.

 

Vibration.

Vibration.

 

Ray ignored this for a moment and then reached into his pocket. It was Maria sending him a few warm text messages. He browsed haphazardly before thumbing through his phone to find the number of his newest girls. He would be there in less than an hour, he told them. (Maybe less at this speed.) He took Maria’s virginity but who cares. She didn’t have to know about his plans these days. He thought about Grandma and Grandpa and their husky. What a great night to walk the dog and then retire to a movie. His beard was starting to grow in. What an edge to have. It wasn't patchy like Daniel's, the kid in high school who can grow facial hair by eighth grade. What was Daniel doing now? Who cares.

Vibration.

‘Jesus Christ!’, would shriek any other man, but not Ray. He simply glanced down at his phone once again, gracefully, and acknowledged Maria’s presence in his life. This time he responded. It took him a few moments to finish his message before he put the phone back into his pocket. He made a conscious effort to check the road every two seconds. (Or was it the road checking in on him? He believed the former, the easiest option.) His mind grew with anticipation and he could almost feel the worn carpet of his dorm room. He could almost smell the beer pong being played in his room. He could almost feel his legs going numb at the thought of walking home from a house party, wasted, with a girl, mid winter. He nearly jumped out of the car.
         “WHOOO!”
         He let out a shriek and jumped almost completely out of the driver’s seat. Before he landed he tapped a few beats on the steering wheel of his BMW in perfect rhythm to some cutting edge music that was just annoying enough to drive away people who respect their tastes. Not something that his father would listen to, of course. He had never heard Wayne listen to any sort of music, as a matter of fact. Better to never enjoy than to suffer the pains of achieving perfection, his father’s favorite saying running through his head. If there was anything closer to perfection he was definitely feeling it now. Not that this was different from any other day in his life.
         FUR ON THE ROAD.
         “S**t!” He cried. This was maybe his first close call with uncertainty. Oh well. This was another trait of his: to be able to completely shut out any sort of negative thoughts he had ever come across. He had possessed a greatly positive mental capacity; he knew that shutting out certain ideas would leave the space for much greater ones in their place. Ray was a master of efficiency in all areas in which it counted.

He changed the radio station and drummed his fingers across the steering wheel once again. Forty-five minutes left, and it seemed like hours. At least this drive gave him some time to think. It was easy to go through life without thinking with all that he had. His major was undeclared. He was to take two semesters of general courses and wouldn’t have to struggle with fitting them into a schedule with specialized courses. Besides, Dad could foot the bill for a diploma if he so desperately needed. (Damn this thought and to hell you go.) The focus was now on sports and on which he would play. All of them.

Time had passed and more time had passed. How he loved the time that he always seemed to have. Never wasted, never spent. You could never run out. Twenty minutes left of a drive and he was more excited than a child at the circus. His brain was overloaded with beautiful chemicals.
He exited the highway and turned onto Welter Road, now only ten miles from his dormitory. But wait. Things were changing.

All was momentarily still. As Ray’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and his neck snapped clear in half, the edges blurred and the eye of Ray’s mind was pregnant with visions of a summer day running around with Aggie. A supposed lifetime of pure unadultered ecstasy. A song he forgot long ago with a pleasant melody with a beautiful reverberation. Blood now filled his eye sockets and his vision turned to beautiful sunsets on white beaches with tropical flavors. A shattered skull shifted his neurotransmitters and he was now engrossed in a chess match. Breaking femurs and wrists vomited him deeply into the third quarter of a football match. He threw to the end zone and by now the velocity of his body put him into a jet aircraft flying safely at thirty-five thousand feet. Upon impact with his innards spilling out of his body, his mind drifted to bowls of hot soup and this evenings dinner. Up and up and away he went, onto the trip that probably never ends.

Ray’s car was struck by an oncoming eighteen-wheeler at the intersection of Welter Rd and Higgins Boulevard on Saturday, August 29^th, at 4:50 pm CST.  The driver of the semi was intoxicated and driving at a speed of approximately 50 miles per hour in a 25 mile per hour zone. The impact immediately severed Ray’s spinal chord and split his neck in half. His legs and arms were smashed in multiple places as he was thrown from the convertible and twenty feet deep into a nearby wheat field. Ray suffered multiple lacerations to his stomach. His exposed brain stem was vivid electricity. The autopsy report said he was killed on impact, but little did they know that Ray’s mind spiraled into another place altogether. Ray realized that he knew absolutely nothing and never would. His life was an ultimate failure. In having everything, he possessed nothing. Within mediocrity he failed the ultimate test. There were no second chances. His mind is still drifting. A life wasted.